I've been lurking for quite awhile and finally had the courage to seek some of the great wisdom that everyone here has to offer. I'm looking for hope but I also know that I may have to hear many things that I don't want to hear.

Like so many others here, I'm struggling in dealing with my husband's infidelity. Here's my story:
In March I returned from a business trip and my H said he was not happy and wanted a divorce. He denied that there was anyone else. That turned out to be a lie and I discovered the truth about a month later. There was a EA with OW that had started about 2 months prior. H moved out 2 weeks later and now lives with OW. She was also married at the time but has since divorced.

Hi 2Hope,

Sorry you are here, but welcome to the best place for recovery in town.

How long have you been married? Do you have any kids?

Your best bet is to gather evidence and without telling either H or OW, expose them to the world.

How long has he been with OW now?

CV

Sorry you are here, and welcome.

Have you read all of the info on this site? You can click on the link Newly Betrayed in my siggy and it will take you to a thread to help guide you through this site.

Is this the first marriage for both of you, and do you have any children? How old are both of you?

That was the short story, here is the long story:

I dated my husband for 5 years in a long distance relationship. About 6 months before we married we finally ended up in the same city. Life seemed to be good. This was his second M and my first. About 2 weeks before the wedding, he said he didn't want to get married. Of course I was devastated. We had a big wedding planned (mostly my family) but his family was flying in for the big day. I told him that if he didn't want to get married it would be his responsibility to tell our parents, starting with mine first. After many discussions back and forth, he admitted that he was scared because he didn't want to fail again and that it was just a case of cold feet. So, we got married.
We spent out honeymoon traveling with his family (he hadn't seen them in 10 years prior to our wedding). We came home after about a month and 2 weeks later he said he had made a big mistake and didn't want to be married. For two months we continued to live together although he was very cold and distant. He moved out 3 months after we had married.

He immediately wanted me to sign a separation agreement. I told him since I didn't believe in divorce that I wouldn't do anything that would help the process. He would have to wait 6 months to get a divorce.

For the first couple of months we barely spoke. He would come over once a month to pay his share of the rent. After 2-3 months we started talking more. He was looking to start a new career field and would ask me about input, should he transfer out of state and what he should do. I asked him about our future, but he wouldn't commit. During this time, I had asked him several times to go for coffee or lunch but he said he wasn't ready. I never really understood why. You want my input about your future but you don't want to go lunch? Something didn't seem right so I started snooping. I had managed to acquire a key to his place, so one day while he was at work I did some looking around. Sure enough, I found evidence of an OW. Of course he was livid when confronted and didn't want to have any more conversations. I told him that he was going to show up for dinner at a specified time or that I would go to his work and say my piece there and I didn't care who heard. Of course he showed for dinner despite previous objections. He spilled the entire story. I told him that I still wanted the marriage to work but unless he was committed then he had no reason to contact me ever again. I had signed all legal paperwork to close accounts and given him a box with all personal momentos.
I left the restaurant with no commitment from him.

I went home only to have the phone ring 30 minutes later.

My H was calling but I chose to ignore the calls. He continued with 2 or 3 more. I was starting to get aggravated so when the phone rang again (this time phone number was blocked) I answered. It was the OW. We had a long discussion. She was sorry and explained to me that my H wanted me to go over to his place and was distraught that I wouldn't take his calls. I promised her that I would call him. I did, he wanted me to come over. He said all the right things and seemed to be remorseful. He wanted me to move in with him (I had actually put a deposit on a new place the day before) and I agreed. I suggested MC but he thought we didn't need it. He wanted to renew our vows but I didn't want him to feel guilty for what he had done and feel like he was doing it out of obligation. So we did nothing. About a week later we got into our first argument and he immediately throws out the "I made a mistake". We smoothed past that and moved forward. Life seemed to be normal. The OW didn't seem to be a factor.

Two months later, my mom died. A month after that I was pregnant. Our life seemed to settling into a routine. We bought a house, he moved into a different career and life was good. We still had arguments and what I thought were normal ups and downs of marriage. Except, every time we had a major fight, he would say maybe we should just give up and get divorced. I was always apprehensive because that's not what I wanted. I loved my husband and our son. So I would say nothing and withdraw.

I travel a lot for my job and sometimes am gone for months at a time. Not the ideal family environment but it provided us a good life. About eight years into our marriage, we bought a new house. Shortly after we moved in, my H and I had another major argument (couldn't even tell you about what) and he tossed the D card again. This time I called him on it. Said fine, if that's what you want-ok. I think he was shocked because he knows how I feel about D.
He back pedaled quickly and for 2 years after that he never even breathed those words again. But then it started to creep back again. I even started thinking that maybe I didn't want to be married. I didn't have a bad marriage, I just felt that he wasn't meeting all my needs. I just didn't know how to fix it. (Would have like to have know about MB back then!) He felt that I wanted everything my way and I would have to say the same about him. We started bickering over the smallest things. Not bad but not good either.
I was gone a lot for my job and we couldn't seem to get to a better place. In March 2010 he again tossed the D card. I called his bluff again. I said look, I'm not going to live like this, if is what you want tell me now. I had a new job offer in a different state. (maybe he was afraid of losing his son). It's never what I wanted, but I was tired of living in fear that he may leave. I wanted to go to MC but he refused. (Over the course of our marriage it's come up a couple of times but he has always been adamant about not going). He backed down again saying we would make things work.

I was gone for the summer but when I got back things seemed to get better.
We had an awesome vacation, celebrated our 12th anniversary, bought a new car and furniture. The ILs came to visit. I thought we were getting to a better place. I thought "finally"!

How old is your son? Where is your son when you are travelling for your job?

Why did your WH's first marriage end? How long was he divorced before you met?

I am not interested in being a sleuth at the moment, how long have you been married and how much of that time did the two of you spend actually residing in the same home?

I'm sorry my story is long but I wanted you all to have the background before I brought up the current events.

In January this year we had a few arguments but nothing in my mind that was earth shattering. Then March came. I was away for about 2 weeks. While I was gone I noticed our phone bill was more than normal. When I investigated I noticed that my husband had gone over his alloted texts. When I questioned him about it he made excuses, just friends. He promised to be more aware. I didn't push it because didn't seem like a big deal. Then get home and get the I'm not happy, I want a divorce speech. I begged and pleaded, asked for MC and the works. He said we haven't been happy for years so why prolong the agony. I asked if there was anyone else and he denied it. For the next couple of weeks I was miserable. Tried to have several conversations with H only to get shut down. He became cold and distant. The bells went off. He was acting the same way he was at the beginning of our marriage when we separated the first time. I just knew there was someone else and he had already committed to moving out.

I started looking around, watching for clues. I found them. My H was involved with OW from son's activities. It only took me about a week to figure out who. I still wasn't sure, until one night I caught them talking. When we got home, H was livid "What, I can't have friends?" I knew but he still denied but he couldn't lie anymore. He also tried to tell me that he had to go pick up her son from out of town because she didn't trust anyone else. Who the hell goes out of their way 2 hours to do that unless there is something going on? But he still denied it. "Okay, if that's how you want to play it, I'll play along."

Scotland, Thanks for your interest.

My son is eleven and is an awesome kid. When I travel my son has always stayed with my H. He has done a great job in taking care of him.

The irony of the situation, my husband's first M ended because his XW cheated on him. I met him about 2 weeks before his D was final and we had our first date about 10 days after his D was final

We have been married 13 years. Minus the first 6 month separation we have always lived together. Travel comes in spurts. Sometimes 1-2 weeks, other times 2-3 months. In the past year, I've only been gone about 9 weeks total.

Part of the MB program is that spouses shouldn't spend a night apart, ever. That is one thing that is definitely going to need to change. This sitch has allowed your WH to carry on a secret second life that you weren't privy to.

Have you exposed the affair?

I would suggest that you Plan A for about a week, so you could get Plan B ready, and then move into Plan B.

Have you read up about Plan B?

Where does your son live now? Does he visit WH and OW? Do you know all of OW's family contact info so you can expose her as well?

To continue with my drama:

After I confronted my H and he denied I was contemplating my next move. Still wasn't onboard with MB yet. I didn't have to wait long. The next day (this was mid April) he came to me and admitted that he was "emotionally involved" with OW and was moving out. (I later found out that OWH had found her FB page open with all their msgs and he exposed to everyone he could that day. I guess my H thought he better tell me before someone else did) At that point, I told him that we could get past this again (I know, wth was I thinking) but he wasn't interested. He now continued to be a bigger a$$ than before and I had to get away to sort through everything. I took my kid on spring break but didn't tell H. That didn't help matters. He knew where we were because we went with friends (his BF wife and son). When we came back he was just mean and nasty. I told him if that was how he was going to act then he could move sooner rather than later. He moved out about a week later. He initially moved into our old home that had up to that month had tenants. In reality, he was living with OW shortly after.

Info about OW. She was also married. Her H worked out of town M-F and was only home for weekends. She fast tracked her D and it was final in Aug.
She has 2 sons (6 and 12) and they live with her.

I've had one conversation with OWH. It was very enlightening. I had actually hoped that he was fighting for his M thus increasing my chances in my own M. He was okay with the D. Financially it was a good move for him because at that point OW just wanted out. Didn't help my case though. He loved his W but didn't know if he could ever trust her again.

Scotland,
Yes, I absolutely agree that all the time I spend away has contributed to our problems. I would like to fix that and if my H and I reconcile then I will find a new job that doesn't require any travel.

As far as exposure. As I said, this drama is not new. It's started in March/April. OWH exposed on FB in April. My husband after telling me told our close friends. I've called a few of his co-workers and his family.

Back in April when I discovered, I confronted OW. I preached the bible and the fact the I still loved my H. Of course, it was completely ineffective. In May, my husband had already moved out but son was not privy to actually reason. I had asked him to limit his involvement with OW around son's activities (her son was also involved) but they carried on with blatant disregard. I got mad and sent an email to all other the parents exposing the affair. Both H and OW were not happy. Fallout seemed to last only about week. Since then, they really don't care who knows.

June and July were very contentious. I was gone for half of June and all of July. During this time, the agreement my H and I had was that he was to care for our son in our home. He did this but on weekends H, OW and the kids were all hanging out together doing family things. It was sickening to me but I had no control because I was out of country. H and S were still staying at our house though. We had many, many fights over the phone. H was pushing a separation agreement but I wouldn't agree. It only aggravated him more. It seemed his method to punish me was to have my S spend more time with OW and H. I didn't think it was in my son's best interest, but couldn't convince H.
He was going to do whatever he wanted. After all, it was his S too.

Thanks all for reading, I'll catch up more tomorrow, it's getting late.

Have you exposed to your son? Does he KNOW that OW helped destroy his family?

i disagree with scotland about telling your son the OW destroyed his family. The problem is to be resolved within the adults, don't drag him into it. That's just my opinion.

And I have a question, what do you want now?

vkali, you are disagreeing with Dr Harley, the psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. It is harmful to lie to children. It just teaches them to be dishonest. Adultery affects children too and they should be told the truth. Honesty is the solution to infidelity, not more lies.

Speaking of lies, did you read our posts to you about lying to your OM's wife about your affair with her husband? Or are you ignoring them?

Well, your opinion only hurts her son. Yes, he absolutely must know the facts.

I agree on not lying to children, just be careful on how you tell him because I don't think Dr. Harley wants the kid to hate his dad. That's all I'm saying.
MelodyLane, I'm not ignoring you. But this is matter of another post.

2hope4more, i wish you and your son a very, very, happy life. I believe you can have it.

No one can control the child's feelings. The job of a parent is to tell her children the truth. She can't force her son to love or hate his father.

p.s. adultery usually does wreck a parent/child relationship [for life] when the parent leaves for the adultery partner. That is not the fault of the parent who told the truth to the child, but the fault of the parent who committed the crime. Children deeply resent being abandoned for a cheap piece of fun.

Adultery destroys families. The families of innocent children. Sugarcoating it with bullshizzle only curses children to either repeat or suffer a repeat of the mistakes of their parents.

Don't kid yourself on this, I LIVED it.