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II called a lawyer last week, and he told me that parties need to be separated (living in different houses) to file divorce. Estrela, I would call him back because I am certain you misunderstood him. This would mean you could NEVER get divorced if a spouse refuesed to leave. I would tell the lawyer that you need to get your H out of the house and file for divorce. Tell him to find a way to make that happen. When does your H leave town? I think there is hope, but the only way you are going to make your H change is if he really believes he is losing his marriage. He has been living a secret second life for so long that he does not believe you will ever do anything to stop him. He thinks if he throws you some crumbs occasionally you will back off and let him continue catting around.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The other lawyer was just someone I found on the internet. I will have to find a lawyer someone can recommend to talk to more seriously now. I feel WH will not realize what he is loosing until after a year or two after the separation. Right now, he is too focused on looking good, exercising, getting cool clothes to understand what is really valuable in life: a sweet, honest, hard working, beautiful wife. Yes, that's me  I told my kids about it. The older one is ok, he is a smart kid. The younger is having a hard time. He has something (ADHD, oppositional behavior, something in this area) and he is very sensitive. I shouldn't have said anything yet to him, but I wanted to explain why I was so shaky and weird. WH will travel to Vegas in mid january for a couple of days, then to Israel at the end of January for a week or so. Melody - I do not know I can go through this and then keep some hope about the relationship. The only way to keep sane is to distance myself from him, from my feelings towards WH. Then, if he even wakes up, it will probably be too late. Last time, I think he really made an effort to rebuild, but it looks like after some time he gets bored with me and needs some outside excitment.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
The thing to realize is that your husband is not taking your marriage seriously now and your only choice is to protect yourself. You can't change him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Feb 2006
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I called a lawyer friend and he recommended a family lawyer.
I made an appointment for next week, subject to his trial schedule.
I am also trying to find a counselor or a therapist. I think one way or another, it will help us to have a forum to speak to each other.
WH is behaving as nothing is going on. I cancelled our plans for tonight (we were going to a concert with his son), but it looks like he will go anyway. New Year's plans also changed so he will not be with me and the kids.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 12,357
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New Year's plans also changed so he will not be with me and the kids. Where will he be?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I did not ask.
We were going to a friends house, also with small kids, for dinner and drinks, and then come back home whenever kids are tired.
I am still planning to take the kids there. I do not know what he is doing.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 452
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Just need to write, feeling so confused.
WH just left. He behaves as if nothing is going on and tries to make me feel like a lunatic for shunning him.
Can you do plan B living in the same house? Just ignore him all the time? He knows how to be charming when he wants to. Maybe he is trying to wear me out, or wait until I calm down or maybe he just does not care anymore.
I have the appointment with the lawyer (for me), and with the psycotherapist (for him). It is the same therapist who supported us 5 years ago. She was very supportive of exposure, NC, accountability/transparency, etc.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 12,357
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Can you do plan B living in the same house? Just ignore him all the time? No. Plan B will not be successful this way. Plan B is NO CONTACT with the wayward.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Can you do plan B living in the same house? Just ignore him all the time? No. Plan B will not be successful this way. Plan B is NO CONTACT with the wayward. Quoting for emphasis. There is NO WAY to do PB while still living in the same house.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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So I should definetely get him out of the house.
I need some reinforcement here... he went to the concert with his son (I was suppose to be there also), and I feel so abandoned already.
Is this what I will feel during plan B?
I mean, even if it is my decision, will I have this empty feeling all the time?
I need to say this, so I will say it here because I know you all will keep me honest.
There is a small voice in the background telling me (despite of all I know) that maybe I am just making a bigger story than this is, and I will be more unhappy alone than with him.
I know this is stupid, but I thought I was stronger than I feel right now.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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This is completely normal when you are thinking about implementing Plan B.
Do you have the evidence you need to expose? Can you get the exposures done ASAP?
Check out the links in my siggy. You will find a thread to help guide you around the site, and the other one is my story. I entered Plan B about 44 pages in. It's been 2 years, and I can tell you that I feel SOOOOOOO much better than I did back then, and I feel 1000x better than I would have had I not implemented Plan B.
If you go into the notables section, you will find a thread by MarriedForever about Plan B and how to do it correctly.
Reading should keep you quite busy indeed.
How do you plan on getting him out of the house? Are you going to try what I did? Have you figured out who your IM will be and how visitation will work out(there must be NO CONTACT with you and your WH)? Do you have finances all figured out?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Scotty - I have no evidence to expose. I have the first name of OW, and I am trying to find out more about her but a possible source is not around now. Apparently she has a boyfriend. Maybe if I call her (once I have her phone number) I will find out more.
From the quick look I had at her e-mail to WH, and from WH's behavior, I do not think the A is ongoing so it will be hard to find evidence now.
I will meet with the lawyer next week and ask him for advice on how to get OW out of the house. Not sure how that will work, he still behaves as nothing is going on.
Finances should be OK, and I have no idea for an IM. We have a close friend, I will ask her tomorrow about it.
I've been reading your thread, it is very inspiring. I will go to the pages you told me about Plan B and read more about it.
Thanks.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 8,240
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I am glad that my thread is helping you.
In the meantime, try to Plan A to the best of your ability. No relationship talk, no lovebusters, and meet any ENs you can, and Plan for PB.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Scotty - could not find the notables section nor MarriedForever Plan B advice. found some of random posts, can you send me a link?
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 452
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 452 |
I thought I could be out of Plan A by now.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 35,996
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Posts: 35,996 |
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 452
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Posts: 452 |
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
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Posts: 8,240 |
I thought I could be out of Plan A by now. Let that Taker of yours know that you will be entering Plan B ASAP, you just need to get it all figured out. A well planned and executed Plan B will be the best medicine for you.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Posts: 452
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Posts: 452 |
I am working on a Plan B letter now. I got the samples from the site and am trying to personalize them. Questions?
Should I set a time frame for the separation? One of the letters talk about 1 month???
What should be my requirements if his A is not ongoing? I am thinking complete honesty, NC letter, changes in lifestyle...
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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