You exposed WHAT exactly? What was said to these people? EXACTLY?

Sorry, SusieQ, I did think they were rhetorical.

1. Yes, I do.
2. Not quite and this fits in with ML's comment earlier. Yes, my hope for MC is exactly that H will decide to give up the affair and work on the marriage.

Yours and others replies is making me understand that I maybe wrong about this. The comments about the fog H is experiencing is starting to make sense and I am starting to see that I cannot rely on him making sense at the moment.

I can't get past the first post. You know, the one where she says he is saying the OW is the love of his life.

Don't stand for this. You need to be strong and stand up. You can't simply "nice" him into leaving his affair. He has a pattern of doing this, and you are enabling him. Going this way- if this affair ends? He'll find a new woman. Guaranteed.

You need to decide what you want.

Exposure is scary. I know. I set off a nuclear bomb in my spouse's life.

But it pulled us back together, and we are recovering nicely.

Your plan right now? Will lead you nowhere. Nowhere.

Most MC will tell your husband that he is unhappy because of you, and your marriage, and will encourage him to find happiness however he can.

Good MC is hard to find. MC has an abysmal success rate.

About the affair and the details. Also about the problems in the marriage. Was I wrong...?

As an aside, someone mentioned that I might be a timid woman. Perhaps so. I am certainly someone who follows rather than leads (it's something I am working on). The danger I find is that I am quite easily swayed, so that I can end up following someone's advice rather than thinking things through for myself. Particularly dangerous when it is online advice! Also that I am not always good at thinking on my feet and reacting to things without AOs.

I have had AO's about te A that haven't helped. Now I am starting to realise how to stay calm (messed up last night, unfortunately, but back on course.)

I've just realised what was wrong about the exposure. I told the details but not specifically that I wanted to make it work and wanted their help in stopping the affair. So the message was not 'I want to sort this marriage unless it is impossible to sort it' but rather 'we are having problems and I'm not sure if they are so bad that he would be better off with OW'.

Am I getting there?

Yes, you are wrong.

Dr. Harley has 30+ years dealing with infidelity and he has never suggested that getting a WS to counseling or to discuss marital issues will help them end the affair. We have seen many BSs come here and try a plan similar to yours and it fails. Every time.

The steps for ending the affair are Plan A/exposure and then if that does not work, you move to Plan B.

Your exposure was not done correctly and that's where you need to focus. Forget the MC. You need to trust Dr Harley (and us) that Plan Susie is a plan to fail.

You will not get help with Plan Susie here.

Now...are you ready to do a proper Plan A to save your M?

You are having marital problems BECAUSE HE IS DATING SOMEONE ELSE!

**sorry. Couldn't stop myself. **

The advice we are giving you is from Dr Harley, though. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and author of 17 books. He has a long, successful practice and is one of the leading experts on infidelity in the US. So this is not just some "online advice."

Here are Dr Harley's credentials: Meet Dr Harley

Here is a radio clip of Dr Harley discussing exposure and the danger of enabling: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=2815

Most of us posting to you are people who have saved our marriages using these principles so we know it works. On the other hand, your own path has failed. Your H is now onto his second affair and won't stop this current affair because you insist on enabling him.


That is pretty foggy and crazy. How would your husband be "better off" pursuing an affair? Does he even know you exposed the affair to his family? Did any of your family call him and try to persuade him to end his adultery?

Do your children know he is committing adultery?

Do you think your children would be better off if he left you for the OW? Has he introduced them to her yet?

You mentioned he might be better off with the OW, and with your complacence that is very likely to come true. When that happens, you would have to split custody with him and the OW would be their "new mommy." You would share your family with her.

Do you think they will like her?

When you said this ... the message received by WH (and others) is as follows ~~~> "Susie does not really love WH."

Now you find yourself in Pep's shoes !!!
How's the view?

I far prefer the view from your side of the table than what I was looking at when I first arrived! <3 And I would be sitting on the floor confused and bewildered if I hadn't listened to you.

My eyes are so wide open now- I can see how it all happens so clearly. I jut want to drag people quickly from the clueless side of the table to the " Oh!! Look at that!" side of the table. It took me something like 4 days to go from help me, to handing him his stuff in a bag and making him leave. If I could find the strength- as beaten down as I was at that point- I think everyone should be able to.

I just really am against dating other people while married. It really makes me cranky. I hope it makes Susie cranky, too. Cranky enough to stand up for herself
and her marriage and more than anything else- herself.

Susie, the MC sessions are a place where he can pretend to be a good guy and keep you sweet and silent.

The MC sessions are toxic to your relationship because they dont demand that he do anything. It is literally just a talking shop. One which keeps your wrists bound in hope.

The MB plan is all predicated on actions. Dr H understands the addictions of an affair and that addicts live a secret life based on image and BS.

Im a fellow Brit and I know exposure doesnt come easily in our culture.

I was terribly afraid to expose and thought that my dad might even physically attack my WH

My five year old nephews and nieces are best friends with the OWs children and exposure and NC would (I feared) blow their happy little worlds up.

I also knew newspapers were a possibilty (this was not an exaggeration either - I work in the media and it was a newsworthy story)

But exposure was great. Fantastic. So glad I did it.

People gave me their support. People thought me brave. People demanded he end his affair. People were disgusted. OW was thrown under a bus - he denied all knowledge of her. So much for the chivalry of romance.

Exposure did not make him honest or good enough for me even though it dealt the image of the A a deathly blow. However I am glad I did it.

There was no violence from my dad - I was very silly to think that anyone else could possibly react worse than myself ( the person who was actually betrayed!)

My nephews and nieces know the full story and have said very sensibly that he must not be allowed back until he is a good friend to me. Until he says sorry properly. They are quite right and speak more sense than most adults though they are sorry to lose such a big section of their friends and family.

I wish people HAD told the newspapers now, because I found that the more people found out, the more loving support I received.

You are wrong about Dr Hs stance on exposure. Exposure is a must here. Image means everything to your h.

Fair point.

To my shame the children have met OW and adore her.

I am getting lost here and need to go away to think about it all some more.

Its pretty overwhelming when you show up here.

When I came here I refused to beleive it when the posters told ME my H was cheating! I had no idea! Then I found the texts

I didnt take it on faith at first, just kept an open mind.

However the veretan posters on here predicted every word out of his mouth.

Having been on here six months it is now really easy to see the patterns for myself.

Try reading the never take the word of a wayward thread and see if anything sounds familiar.

I think it will.

They need to be forewarned and protected from the woman trying to bust up their family. They adored an illusion.

How nice will she be when she has what she wants?

And, chances are .... WH will lie his butt off to the MC.

ML I hear what you're saying about Dr H.

I understand entirely that you are all following his principles and that this is not just any old Internet advice. I have to take responsibilities for my actions, though, and that means being fully convinced of something being the right thing to do before I go ahead and do it, especially if it could have dramatic consequences. This is why I need to go away and do some more thinking.

No-one has tried to persuade H to stop the affair. Exposure has been done so far to let the people closest to us know what is going on and we have said that we are talking and working on things on our own. My belief and hope (wrong though it may be) is that working on our marriage would help H to make the right decision.

Sorry if I haven't replied to everyone's questions. I am quite bombarded with all of your thoughts and need some time to sort them out.

What happens if OW gets pregnant?

PB and indiegirl you may well be right. The first session is on Tues. We will both be there (we have each had separate sessions with different people, that has thrown up lots of very pertinent stuff about the marriage).