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#2579940 01/01/12 12:18 PM
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Recently, there have been several posts that refer to affair partners as the "lover". This term is offensive to betrayed spouses and may be offensive to repentent and remorseful waywards.

I am encouraged to hear Ms. Joyce Harley adopt the term "affair partner" and appreciate her gentle persuasion for Dr. Harley to adopt the term as well.

I would put this on the rant thread, but since it moved to the "other topic" form, it does not seem to get the same readership.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
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My 2 cents: I think it's appropriate for the "Surviving An Affair" forum, armymama.

When I first showed up here, several months into recovery, in one of my early posts that were lost to the Oct.'09 server-crash, I made the mistake of referring once to my OW as my "paramour." Which to my mind at the time, was nothing more than a legal term found in my state's body of law with respect to infidelity. I hadn't meant anything by it.

However, I was duly blasted for this choice of terms. As I got less foggy, I came to appreciate the problem with terms that appear (or may appear) as conscious or subconscious attempts to cast any sort of romantic veneer on something as sordid as an affair.

Of course, MB veterans know & understand this. Waywards & new BSs -- many of whom are probably socially conditioned to accept or at least utilize without protest terms such as "lover" or whatever -- often don't understand right away. I don't know why we should expect it to be otherwise.

I think we can do a service by firmly explaining this & explaining the reasoning behind it, without going into "rant" mode. Which is why I think it's appropos of the SAA board.

For the newbies & lurkers: The affair partner is not your (or your spouse's)
--lover,
--paramour,
--confidant(e),
--best friend,
--soulmate,
--kindred-spirit
or any other such fluff.

If you stick around & learn about infidelity & the raw selfishness that's at the core of each affair (including your's, or your spouse's, as the case may be), you'll understand this.
And if you don't understand it, then you really need to stick around & learn more.



Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Originally Posted By: armymama
Recently, there have been several posts that refer to affair partners as the "lover". This term is offensive to betrayed spouses and may be offensive to repentent and remorseful waywards.

I am encouraged to hear Ms. Joyce Harley adopt the term "affair partner" and appreciate her gentle persuasion for Dr. Harley to adopt the term as well.


Did you hear Joyce REAM him out on the radio for using the term "lover?" That is why he stopped using it. I also told him once that term is disgusting and he agreed it was offensive and said he had stopped using it.

My preferred term is "skank" or "scumbag." smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote:
Recently, there have been several posts that refer to affair partners as the "lover". This term is offensive to betrayed spouses and may be offensive to repentent and remorseful waywards.

It is terribly offensive to me because it is such an incorrect use of the word "love". I try to correct a poster when I see it in a post. I don't think the word is used to intentionally distress a BS or a FWS. I think people refer to it that way without thinking about the connotation.

Dr. H used the word 'lover' to describe an AP in the past. It was pointed out to him that the word is distressing to some spouses, and he no longer uses it. Joyce has been instrumental in helping him remember that. smile


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: GloveOil
When I first showed up here, several months into recovery, in one of my early posts that were lost to the Oct.'09 server-crash, I made the mistake of referring once to my OW as my "paramour." Which to my mind at the time, was nothing more than a legal term found in my state's body of law with respect to infidelity. I hadn't meant anything by it.

However, I was duly blasted for this choice of terms


I remember that! rotflmao When most WS's show up here they are still in the fog and, as such, are still romanticizing the affair. THAT is why I like to point out that an affair is about as romantic as 2 pigs rutting in the pig pen. That seems to burst the bubble rather quickly. grin


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Quote:
I made the mistake of referring once to my OW as my "paramour."
I remember that! You only used that term once. rotflmao

There's another one I've seen that is really annoying: "affair of the heart". Blech!! Harlequin Romance novels, anyone?? Talk about shining up a turd! sick


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I don't find the word offensive or depressing. It refers to a single part of a "relationship."

I don't even really accept NGB's claim that she was "was never in love" with the OM, because it fails to meet her behavior taking the Love Bank model in mind.

Considering the Love Bank model, it was not a Love Bank balance meeting or exceeding the Romantic Live threshold that was a "fantasy" or "bubble." It is an exchange free of Love Busters due to the heavy lifting of the BS that is fantasy. It is the belief that allowing the opposite sex to meet your needs is OK if you are married that exists in a bubble.

The affair was both very real, and completely willful. Its the Hallmark/Harlequin vision of "love" that was imagined...


"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr

"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer

"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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It is because referring to him as her 'lover' is so offensive to her that I used it often early on.

It's a dig, a cheap shot. And in hindsight, really dumb in light of her remorse.

No one ever accused me of handling this thing with a ton of maturity and thoughtfulness.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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No one ever accused me of handling this thing with a ton of maturity and thoughtfulness.
rotflmao
Look at the bright side, amigo.....You can earn that accusation for your actions going forward.

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane

My preferred term is "skank" or "scumbag." smile


Mel you beat me to it. I sometimes use the phrase 'soulmate schmoopie' which is used on here to describe their view of it as love - but its so sarcastic that it isnt offensive.

However I think I can come up with a few more to add to our already distingusihed collection - whoever came up with POSOW for example deserves to go in the MB hall of fame.

Instead of 'your lover' how bout

Your frenemy - I love the description of APs as 'friends'
Your sex blackmailer - Amazing how many OM insist on sex in exchange for secrecy/needs meeting
Your baby blackmailer - Pregnant OW = sociopath
Your KITA = Knight in tarnished armour
Your pity case - He feels sorry for her. Aw.
Your charity case. How nice some women are to share their alimony with a total loser. Such a charitable gesture.

I also like Glove Oil's notable 'marriage mugger'

Im gonna try do some more. Hmmmmm.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: GloveOil

I made the mistake of referring once to my OW as my "paramour."


GO, I cant help but take the piss in response to this but I hope you understand I am mocking your former self...

PARAMOUR???!!! The old French word meaning 'through love'?

It makes me think of you dressed up in a powdered wig, in carnival mask, maybe drinking champagne out of a lady's slipper talking effusively with your hands and talking about your 'paramour'

WOW. The difference between you now and then means there may be hope even for my wayward.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane


My preferred term is "skank" or "scumbag." smile


DITTO


Me: BW (34)
Him: WH (38)

3 kids: 7, 3, & 7 mos


Married 7 years
DDAY #1 - 11/8/2011 (EA)
DDAY #2 - 12/6/2011 [unconfirmed possible 2nd A]

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Or in the case of a certain MB BH...

"Mud."


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Well, Indie, as you probably know, we yanks infamously borrow words from other languages & use them however we wish, without giving a damn (or even bothering to check) on whatever they once meant in their mother-tongue. As noted, the word somehow wormed its way into the legal code here in the State of Virginia in days of antiquity, where it evidently remains, or I'd never have thought of it myself.

But indeed, today I'd never advise anyone to use the term to describe a lousy affair partner.

rotflmao ...Jeez ... need to state for the record that among the 7 billion people on the planet, I'm the least likely to drink from footwear puke, don fake hair, or talk with my hands, fercryin' out loud...

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Originally Posted By: GloveOil

rotflmao ...Jeez ... need to state for the record that among the 7 billion people on the planet, I'm the least likely to drink from footwear puke, don fake hair, or talk with my hands, fercryin' out loud...
[/color]


That IS reassuring


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Quote:
I'm the least likely to drink from footwear , don fake hair, or talk with my hands, fercryin' out loud...


So you say. skeptical


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



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I prefer stolemeat.

And an OC is not a love child...it's usually a bargining chip, but that's another story.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

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Originally Posted By: GloveOil
[


rotflmao ...Jeez ... need to state for the record that among the 7 billion people on the planet, I'm the least likely to drink from footwear puke, don fake hair, or talk with my hands, fercryin' out loud...
[/color]


rotflmao thats so funny, I will even forgive him for calling us "yanks!" naughty


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted By: Dealan-de
I prefer stolemeat.

And an OC is not a love child...it's usually a bargining chip, but that's another story.


You took the words outta my fingers.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
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Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

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Actually, right ahead of "lover" is "boyfriend" in terms of hitting her below the belt.

In the heat of my AOing days referring to him as her "boyfriend" was a top shelf dig at her.

Nowadays, when we must speak of him, he's The Deviant. She'll quickly point out that makes her a deviant due to guilt by association. I tell her she is a Reformed Deviant and she's spent the last seven months redirecting her deviancy in my direction and my favor (if you get my drift). I also quickly remind her she didnt video nor allow his video'ing of them together. Deviant. And dozens of things he orchestrated but she was the willing accomplice. Deviant.

COMING INTO MY HOME TO HANG WITH MY FAMILY FOR YEARS WHILE SCREWING MY WIFE. (DEVIANT SQUARED.)


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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