You shouldn't be lecturing your wife. Period.

Openness and Honesty. Period.

"You are doing a lousy job at raising that girl." Thats a lecture. That was not said nor implied.

"We are doing a lousy job together and we need to improve." Thats constructive criticism and that was clearly made.

Here's an even better way to say it:

Honey, I believe we are doing a bad job of raising the kids. Can we sit and talk about how we can improve upon this together?

CV

She deleted those old emails.

We have been talking a lot.

She told me that nothing is going to derail us on our way to the ultimate destination. Not my anxiety or depression.

When she feels my anger simmer she gets even closer to me.

She told me she tried her best to ruin this marriage and can't change any of it now. She doesn't cry over it anymore. She believes what she did was the work of a mentally disabled woman. It took the shock of exposure to snap her out it. She has spent every day proving to me it's possible to regain her control of her faculties. And praying that I'd give myself to time to trust her.

She makes no excuses though. She told me that very few men would allow her to stay in their lives after all she's done. And I'm special. She wishes that I was I bad to her during her affair. That how I treated her drove her into the arms of another. But she says that was never the case.

She again said it was the work of a lazy, ungrateful, selfish, and ultimately self destructive person who managed to escape the realities of her life by fooling herself, her husband and kids to think she doing what was best for everyone. Over time giving her body to someone who had little interest in her well being and that of her family became routine. She is incredibly saddened over the feeling of being used but is quick to claim she used him too to get things in hindsight were meaningless. She feels like she was childlike in attitude and personality.

She went into some of the things we talked about regarding her upbringing but made it clear she knew what she was doing was wrong and at some point became hardened to it and continued. It has little or nothing with her parents, she said. But I know better.

Told I love her and thanked her for saying all the above. Told her we are one and I'm working hard at allowing all of her in my life.

Sooooo......a pretty good day, huh?
Good for you! Good for her!
Build on it, dude!

Yeah. Weekend was great. Took some advice from a vet on another thread on how to move on. Tips I certainly knew but only used sporatically.

We read stuff in bed to each other. We talked about taking a long road trip next month to surprise the kids. We went to out eat a few times with and without the kids. I WENT TO A FREAKING MALL OVER THE WEEKEND NOT ONCE, BUT 2X. (Her thing for sure.)

We talked about my emotional shifts and how she feels when my anger is silent but deadly. She would like me to kiss or hug her and tell her I love her and she'll do the same as per the advice I got last week.

We took a couple of showers together. (Thanks PB. Hard to be angry at anyone in that situation.)

I told her I have compartmentalized the last 8 years as its an excercise in diminishing what it was. She said its fairly simple, its was 2 idiots with too much time and little concern for who they loved the most who made inconceivable decisions.

Lets please try to forget it. I say OK.

I WENT TO A FREAKING MALL OVER THE WEEKEND NOT ONCE, BUT 2X.
That IS going above and beyond!

Between you and me, I know OM and my wife used to go to the mall often as he is certainly a shopper. I know guys will go thru a lot to score a chick and he knew exactly how to meet one of her big needs, but really 5 minutes into the mall Im begging for mercy.

A couple of hours before football started was not too terrible actually. I needed some dress socks anyway.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/17/wife-kills-husbands-mistr_n_1211285.html?ref=crime&icid=maing-grid7%7Cmaing9%7Cdl1%7Csec1_lnk2%26pLid%3D128385

She is so beautiful in the morning dressed for work. Simple jeans, hair done nice, makeup, and boots.

Triggered a trigger I battled before. (This is how she looks ALL THE TIME, so I thought about all the times she left to go to him looking like this.)

I kissed her and told her she's a beautiful woman. Told her to have a great day.

Took a pill. Went to work.

Recovery.

Just remember... That beautiful woman is ALL YOURS.

CV

And remember that her going to work the way she does is normal for her so this is not a trigger. Just a bonus for you having a naturally attractive wife.

There is a new poster here that has a WW that during the PA she was dressing up before leaving the house. Now she is back to normal in her appearance effort. For him seeing his WW leave looking extra good now would be a trigger.

My W dressed nice for attention at work, not just for OM, but for ANYONE to notice. She started dressing normal afterwards too. Of course me burning every stitch of clothes she wore around him helped with that! ;-)

CV

Thought of the day:

Only you know if it hurts.

OMW called me to say hello. We spoke briefly and I told my wife. My wife asked me not to have contact with omw any go forward. She says these conversations (however few there has been) upset me because they trigger questions I don't want to ask.

I told her we make decisions together and if it upsets her when I talk to omw, I'll ask omw not to contact me unless she suspects something. Which neither of us do. But i did learn some things I wanted to know.

Anyway It was nice to hear om is still struggling and things are going poorly with his business. A-hole.

For some reason I had thought you already did this. I might be thinking of someone else though.

I know for me, there was (and sometimes still is) a temptation to talk to OM2's W. Just to keep in the loop. I find that I get angry at my W though, so I have not talked to her since july 09.

CV

Elaborate as to why you leave GIGANTIC FRIGGING TRIGGER ally open?

I'm slightly confused...

Althought not as unique as I thought initially, I was good friends with OMW before dday. We somehow managed not to swap any bodily fluids during that whole time.

I sometimes feel very alone and I have told my wife that. I sometimes feel the only person who really knows what Im going thru and can answer questions is OMW.

Also, the way we left off last time was a disaster of my doing and after over six weeks being a nice guy, I felt no problem with speaking to her.

We dont meet in person and we dont discuss any sexual topics. We dont review the affair item for item. We chat about our kids, how things are going overall, and thats it.

She does blame her husband for targeting my wife and his other girlfriend by using money. She did tell me that she is having trouble being intimate with him (our only sex related topic). Especially since he asked for something to be done in one of the same spots he filmed my wife doing it. That set her off in a real bad way.

I have no issues with talkiing to her, but my wife does so I will end any contact with her.

Originally Posted By: SunnyDinTX

Self-esteem takes a huge hit when you are the victim of infidelity so strengthening that up is imperative to self recovery, IMHO.

Got this from another thread and I didnt want to thread-jack.

The advice all of us get after dday is terrific. One area I half-a$$ed is taking care of me physically. Sure, I went to a dr. for the first time in a while and got the pipes and innerds a looksee, but the area where I was doomed to dispair is between my ears.

Tried a dr. who specializes in the between the ears stuff and as I have written, his advice was lacking. (As their sexlife was and still does dominate my thoughts this dr. suggested I demand anal sex as a way to claim something as mine from my wife.) Maybe there is documented science behind this! But, I did suggest it and my wife asked me to please find something else to claim.

Anyway, self esteem is the topic. How does one regain it once stolen by someone you love?

Let me tell you in the last 3+ weeks, my family and I and about 10 other people on our block have taken up the offer from a physically fit neighbor who offered to conduct running and strength training programs.

I have found that in just about 10 runs and a few stretching and pushups sessions, my self esteem and confidence has grown in ways I can hardly describe. Our neighbor calls each of us to remind us of the run that night. She gets on you when you lose focus. You know that drill instructor from Full Metal Jacket?, she'd make him cry. I can say that I havent felt this good in a long time.

One thing that really is worth noting is how mentally an excercise session make you feel. I have several more pounds to lose but as far as mentally, I find little room for anger, anxiety, or anything but euphoria after a 45 minute jog. I know its been written in umpteen books and, geez, didnt Forrest Gump find himself while running?

Plus, (bedroom talk here so close your eyes if your offended), there is a definite exuberance maybe newfound energy, but exuberance to be found in the boudoir lately. Maybe its more confidence in her body as she has lost about 7 pounds this month? Maybe shes digging me more physically lately? Few things help the self-esteem in my case at least, is a raucaus romp in the hay. I told her exactly that over the weekend and she said anytime she can oblige, just ask. That was hot.

So, in closing, life is like a box of chocolates, you should only eat them if you are going to run 2.5mi that night.

MSS, very cool note on Bricks' thread earlier. I didn't want to disrupt his, but thought you should know that.
You've come a long way, dude!