I recently caught my husband having an emotional affair. As far as I know, or should I say - from what he's told me, that it wasn't physical.... I don't really know how to catagorize it... They were sending each other hundreds of text messages each day, and exchanging pornagraphic photos via text messages...... We've only been married for a year and a half I don't know what to do....

We've both been married before this.... Both previous marriages ending badly.... MINE, which ended when I found out my 1st husband got another woman pregnant. My husband's 1st marriage ended after their daughter was born. When I married my husband in July of 2010, I married his daughter too. She means the world to me. I said vows to both of them at our wedding. I always said I wouldn't remarry, but he was different..... or so I thought....

After we were married, I got pregnant with our son... now 8 months old.... We decided to move into my parent's house when I was roughly 8 months pregnant, so that we could save some money to buy a house for our family.... We had a dream.... A plan.... A life that I was sure other people were jealous of... We were in love, happy, making moves, building our life together.... I was against moving in with my parents, but he insisted that it would help us get to where we wanted to be faster. It was his idea....

The baby was born, we - our (now) family of 4 - were sharing a house with not only my parents, but also my sister who had just moved back home as well. At the time, my husband hated his job and was searching for a new one. 2 months after our son was born he got word that he got a new job. He was to start training that July (right after our 1 year anniversary). Training that was intensive 4 day a week/10 hour day training for 5 months. I was so happy for him. He was finally going to be getting the job that he wanted. But when he started his training, I barely got to see him. On the days he was off, we were taking care of two kids and we didn't have much time for each other between the kids, and the other family members who were always around.... I expressed many times that I was scared we were falling apart. That I was depressed that we were so distant. He promised me that it was all part of the plan. That he loved me so much and nothing would stand in our way of happiness. He reassured me that we would get to where we wanted to be soon enough.....

Then we went out to a festival to meet up with his friends from his new job (or should I say training facility)..... And thats when I met her..... Although at the time, I had no clue... *edit*.... The woman who would ruin my life....
BUT.... she was so nice.... how would I have known? She was tall, skinny, brunette, and beautiful.... She was confident, funny, and had a smile that could kill....

After our outing, I expressed concern about my husband's friendship with her.... He told me he barely knew her..... That night, she sent me a friend request on Facebook, along with a nice message. She was friending me.... She even offered to babysit our children so that my husband and I could go out alone some night....

ALL THE WHILE - SENDING NAKED AND SEDUCTIVE PICTURES OF HERSELF TO MY HUSBAND....... And my oh so faithful (or so I thoguht) husband was returning the favor.....

My husband went to bed early because he had to be up for training very early in the morning.... He had to be there at 6am and we lived about 45 minutes away. One morning, I happened to be awake when he got up (at 3:45am).... What man do any of you know that needs over an hour to get ready in the morning?.... My husband certainly doesn't need that much time.... especially when I heard his car drive away at 4:05am that very morning..... I called him..... He said he was "going to the gym".... And then he tells me he's been going that early for the last few weeks.... To which I replied "Is this not something you think your wife might want to know?"..... He apologized.... and later that day, when he knew I was suspicious, he sent me an email apologizing again. This is where he also promised me again that he loved me and he would never let anything come between us. That I was worth the world to him.........

From past experience.... I wasn't buying it....

I decided to check our phone records, and thats when I saw HUNDREDS of text and picture messages to this one number for the last few months..... I didn't know who it was though.... So I watched the text messages roll in from the time he left training that day (when he texted me that he was on his way home), until the time he arrived.... As if seeing her during training for 10 hours each day wasn't enough, they had to text each other EVERY WAKING MOMENT. From the time they got up at 3:45am until the time he SAID he was going to be at night.... Which I found out afterwards was much later than the time he actually went off to our bedroom.... I guess he just needed to get away from me so he could have his privacy with her.....

Little did my husband know.... at this very moment, life as he knew it, would come crashing down. While I patiently waited for him to get home I printed out 35 pages, of the 135 pages, of just that one text messages statement for that month. On each page I highlighted the to and from texts to that number. When he got home, I asked to see his phone. He gave it to me. I asked who he was texting on the way home. He told me two guys names. I checked their numbers (they were not matches to this number) so I then said "who else were you texting on the way home?" To which he replied "No one, just those two guys"..... I asked one more time and told him not to lie. He then admitted it was *edit* and quickly followed with "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be mad"...... I made him sit and wait while I went to get the papers I had printed and highlighted. Then I asked him to explain......

This is when he admitted that he was exploring to see where it went with her.... that he thought he might have feelings for her....

I was, am, and truly think I always will be, heartbroken....

It seems like we just got married yesterday.... Is he done with me already??? The vows of faithfulness and love, so fresh and barely had a chance to live, just gone?

OMG... his daughter.... I would lose her if he left me..... I've been her mother since we started dating when she was 1 year old..... OUR SON.... He's just an infant..... The last boy with the family name......

WHY THE *edit* DIDNT ANY OF THIS MATTER TO HIM?!?!?!?!

He said he didn't care about her.... that it was a mistake, and he was having trouble with the way our life was at my parent's house, and the stresses of our work, and the new baby.... She just gave him attention, and he needed that.....

?????? What about me????? What about the attention I needed from my husband but wasn't getting because he had his nose buried in his phone every waking moment of the day. And when I asked what he was doing, he would just tell me he was playing games on his phone......

I'll say.... Playing fun naked picture passing with a beautiful coworker!

I asked about the picture messages, and he told me they were just silly pictures of them making silly faces.....

For the next five days, he cried, he pleaded, he promised me that I knew everything and that he made a huge mistake. Everything seemed so fuzzy to me. I could barely breath. I couldn't eat. It was all I could do to keep my brain focused enough to be able to feed my children and remember when they needed to be....

My love... My world.... This man who changed my life, brought a daughter into my life, and gave me my son..... This man who pledged his undying love to me all of the time..... This man who made so many promises that he would never let anything stand in our way - He would never stray - I was the one... always and forever.......... completely blinded, he flipped my world upside down.....

On day 5 of the unbearable pain, it occured to me that I had his phone with the SIM card in it..... There were 407 pictures (non incriminating), but there was 466 thumbnails that could not be viewed.... I did research on doing an SD card recovery and it turns out, you can..... Before I began the process, I sat him down once more..... I asked about the pics again..... Giving him a chance to come clean..... But he told me the same answer.... just pics of her dogs, and silly faces.... And thats when I broke the news to him that I was going to do a recovery on the memory card.... And sure enough, he came clean..... Told me all about the pictures.... And I'm not stupid, so I know what he was doing after he SAW the pics.... He wasn't coming to me for sex, so he was releasing some how.... now I knew.... Do I truly believe that they didn't have sex? I don't know for sure, but I can only assume they found some way to be together.....

I know him.... when he wants something, he doesn't stop until he gets it...... I just never thought it would be another woman. I thought I, and his children, meant more to him than that..... but I guess I was wrong.....

To make matters worse, we had to sign the papers for the new house we bought right after I found out. I couldn't back out of the deal without being charged an arm and a leg.... we were past the point of no return....

So here I am.... Sitting in this big house, alone, with my two children, while my husband is out fighting crime for 12 hours a day...... Where is he? Who is he with? What is he doing?..... He clearly can't be trusted..... How am I supposed to get through this? I can't lose my daughter.... And I REFUSE to give up time with my son just because HE cheated....

I'm trying so hard to put this behind us and try to move forward...... But to be completely brutally honest..... I'm not happy.... I cry all of the time when he's not here.... It's like I'm pretending to be this person... A stepford wife... The person who sweeps the problems under the rug to hold on to our reputation..... I'm so lost, and broken, and hurt.... I'm screaming inside....

I'm terrified to be with him, but I am so unGodly terrified to be without him.... And without him, I lose my step-daughter.... I will lose my house.... And most of all, my heart....

I have no one to talk to.... Everyone loves my husband and is pushing me to forgive and forget, but how can I? He promised me everything was ok, when it wasn't.... I just don't know what to believe now.... I'm driving myself crazy and can't break free of this vicous cyle of total devestation and self pitty.... I'm a good person.... I've always been the type that doesn't care what others think of me, but with him it's different.... Now I can't help but think it's all me.... I'm not skinny enough, not pretty enough, not tall enough, not funny enough, not interesting enough..... Why HER? Why not me? Didn't he choose me first? Didn't he say his vows to me? Didn't he make promises to me????........

Am I crazy for trying to make this work???? I don't forget things like this.... All it will take is for him to say one wrong thing even 20 years from now, and I KNOW it will trigger this dispair that I am feeling right now.... I am an emotional person.... I have always worn my heart on my sleeve.... And I'm open.... I always say how I feel..... It is possible for someone like me to move past this? And should I even consider doing that? How do I know he's not just putting a bandaid on this until I come around and he can start being sneaky again????

Help

LostHOpe,

Welcome to Marriage builders. Sorry you are here. Being married for only 18 months means a HUGE uphill battle. Is he still engaged in the affair?

Has he broke all contact?

Have you exposed his affair to anyone?

CV

I know... I'm just having a really hard time dealing with the fact that he gave up on me so soon... Just threw everything away like it was nothing

No. As far as I know he is not engaged in the affair anymore.... He is finished with his training, and she was in a different department than him, so I assume the will never see each other again (but how can I really know that?).... I took his old phone away and gave him a new one. I told him that if he wanted to work on this, everything had to go through me first.... Even putting new number in his cell...

I've exposed him to everyone that knows us.... Even to people that don't know me personally but know him. If anyone texts his old phone, I let them know that its his wife and he is no longer using that phone because he had an affair.

I'm trying everything but I'm so heartbroken that nothing is working..... I feel like I'm never going to be able to trust him. Especially in his line of work.... He has more freedom than any other job I know. He has the ability to be anywhere at any time with anyone and no one would ever know about it..... Most importantly, without a PI (that I can't afford), I will never know what he's doing or where he's going (or should I say WHO he is doing)..... How can I trust him?

People say that you shouldn't stay in an unhappy marriage just because of the kids.... and in all honest truth, I feel that is the sole reason I am staying.... Because if it were just me, I don't know that I think I would have been gone the moment I found out. Especially since I've already been through all of this with my first husband :-(

I am making an assumption here that your WH is now a police officer, is that so? If it is, how can you know that he isn't in contact with OW?

Were you and your WH divorced when you met? Is OW married? Have you exposed the affair to anyone on her side?

I am saddened to tell you that this most definitely went PA. Him leaving in the morning so early was so they could have time alone together. My WH also did this.

I am so sorry you are here. Click on the link Newly Betrayed, in my siggy. It will help guide you through the site.

Have you considered the probability that your WH has low character?
WH gave up on his morals/values/vows/honor/dignity/ .... not you.

Put a hidden GPS on his car THIS WEEK.

Yes. Police Officer. I can't really know for sure that he hasn't contacted her, but because I outed them both to their entire training class, the training officers found out and said if it didn't end they would both be fired.... She's on another department in a different county far away from ours....

Neither me or my husband were completely divorced when we met. We were both separated from our spouses and going through the divorce process.

The OW is married too. I've spoken to her on the phone, and I've spoken to her husband. She denied the pics, and he didn't believe me when I told him. I told him that was his choice, but that I felt he had a right to know what I know. We left it at that.

The reason I say that I don't know if it was a PA, is because 1) he is a gym-freak. He has a great body and keeps it very in shape.... and 2) Upon looking at the text message times, he was texting her during those times he said he was at the gym. Why would he be texting her if he was with her?..... BUT, I admit, I only looked at most of the days this went on. Not all. He didn't leave that early EVERY morning, so I can't be sure which days he did or didn't since I have no proof of that.....

Thanks for the link. I will check it out......

I want to get past this. I love him. I want him to be a part of my life, I want him to be a part of my son's life, and I want to keep my step daughter.

OK.
Thanks for this.
Best of luck.

I do so very much love this. You are going to be fine whatever happens.

GPS in the car. VARS in the house so you cn hear if he calls her. Spyware on computer. Give him a new phone with spyware/gps on it.

Will he write her an NC letter?

Is he wiling to account for all of his time - be completely transparent to you?

He has been making a lot of effort.... We have been going to counseling.... Their "affair" went on for about 2 months. He was around us a lot, but he was just physically with us, like he was a shell just sitting on the couching punching away on his phone....

We've always had a really great relationship.... loving, affectionate, we talked a lot..... It had just been in the last few months since he started this with her that he seemed distant..... I knew something was up, hence the reason I started getting suspicious....

He is making every effort he can to tell me where he is and what he's doing, and I don't know why, but it just isn't enough for me.... He's pleading and begging.... He is going to sign an affidavit admitting the affair. He said that he'll sign a post nup awarding me everything if I just can't get past it, or if it ever happens again. He said that I can take all of our money and put it in a separate bank account and he'll sign an agreement that states that it's my separate money and he has no rights to it.... He has said he'll do anything....

Why isn't that enough for me?..... I don't know.... I'm really struggling to see past this. I was betrayed in my first marriage. I was very cautious about re-marrying..... How could this happen?

What is an NC letter? As far as I know, when the OW found out I had her pictures (which I actually don't have yet because I never did the SD card recovery, but she doesn't know that), she apparently threatened my husband with legal action if they surfaced....... Not sure if she could do that or not, but thats when I stopped talking to anyone he went to training with. I couldn't have him lose his job - how would my kids be supported? I only work part time from home, so we can't afford for him to lose his job :-/

I would take the post nup and everything he has offered. Plus a poly. Actions will have much more effect on your feelings than pleas and promises.





They all say that! Dont worry about that.

You have already exposed at the workplace. Mke it clear to your h that he will lose his job if he disobeys the command of no contact. Do not protect him from the consequences of his actions.

Besides the No Contact letter is just a way of him dumping her in a way that respects your feelings. It is the way an affair should end.

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

This is from SAA - have you read it? Have you read the steps to recovery on this site?

This makes it clear that there can be NO contact - no even the tiniest contact.

There should be a plan in place if she ever tries. His contact details should be changed to make it impossible, email phone FB etc.

Um... I'm not sure, but I think the OW actually told him no more contact.... But then again, I guess he could just be telling me that. I don't really know what to believe.....

You think I should have him take a polygraph? Is that expensive? I wouldn't even know how to go about doing that.

I have only been on this site since yesterday. I've started some of the reading, but have a lot more to read..... It just seems I'm hitting rock bottom lately and I'm running out of ideas to figure out how to trust him again..... I don't even know if thats possible. I don't want to hurt anymore I don't want to live a life of unhappiness either.... life is short. I want to be able to spend it with someone who is honest and faithful and I would like that to be him :-/

Just a couple of thoughts that may or may not gel together here...

LH81, You realize that your current marriage is what we call an affairage, right? Both of you were married when you met and thus both cheating on your spouses, separated or not.

Also, the NC letter is a NO CONtact letter, It is a letter he writes telling her to never contact either of you again. He writes it, you approve it and mail it.

He needs to be able to demonstrate acceptable boundaries to you to make you feel safe. He might just have to find another job. At least if you want your marriage.

As far as her threatening a lawsuit... Pshaw! The pictures are now property of the recipient and not the sender, much in the same way a snail-mail letter is property of the recipient of the letter. Once it leaves the possession of the sender, it is no longer their property and can make no claims to it or have any right to do with it as they please.

CV

Thanks for the info about the photos, CV

As far as our "affairage" that you are referring to, I can see how you may think that. However, we were both very far along in the divorce process. His exwife had moved states already with no intention of ever moving back. He caught her staying at another man's house when he was overseas, and she was not contributing to their marriage. No job, no cooking, no cleaning, and when he would come home from work she was watching TV while their daughter was laying awake in the crib by herself. I know this woman, and she is worthless. Especially as a mother! I've been raising her daughter since she was one year old and she is just out partying in another state like she has no responsibilities and she pays no child support..... As for my divorce, it was taking forever because my moron of an ex wouldn't respond to my lawyer. He had already moved in with his baby's mother. I believe they were already planning their marriage but he wouldn't respond to my lawyer because he owed me money. He got her pregnant and left me with over $15,000 in debt..... So trust me when I say, both marriages were VERY over when we met.

However, with that said.... we met in 07 and didn't date because of the divorces going on.... When finally, we both realized that it was stupid for us to not move on with our lives when our exes clearly were moving on with theirs..... So we started dating in the beginning of 2008. Moved in with each other later that year and then got engaged in November of 2009. We were married in July of 2010. We knew what we wanted. We had a plan. We busted our asses to get full custody of his daughter (which I spent hours on end researching and studying to ensure our victory in this case, not to mention I prepared all of the evidence binders to for court, etc.) We were awarded primary physical custody of her 5 days before our wedding..... We continued to bust our asses to save money so that we could buy this house that we currently own now and are doing renovations on.....

I guess it just got to be too much for him? I don't know..... He is head strong.... He fights for what he wants.... He's been working day and night on this house and trying to get ready for us, but I guess it feels like he's just moved his attention on to another project instead of us :-/

Sometimes I think I'm being too needy, but am I? Some days I feel like I can't even breathe... I don't want to live like this

The NC letter is done by him FOR you. To gain your respect and trust. So you KNOW what to beleive. He writes it, you mail it.Her wishes/comments are iirelevant. Make it impossible for her to reply by changing all contact detials. He must never see her or even hear about her ever again.

It is a must for recovery.

Do some research on the most qualified poly tester in your area. So again you KNOW what to believe. Trust follows actions on his part to make himself transparent to you.

Where are you? Someone may have a reccomendation.

Feelings change daily. Take excellent care of yourself. Treat yourself. Do not expect too much of yourself

Insist he make you feel safe. Insist he follow an MB plan to the letter in which a marriage cannot just survive but thrive following an affair

Would you be financially secure if he made good on his promise re post nup and your finances should you separate? Enough to do without his job?

I would say do it.

If he violates your trust again, he loses his job because you will tell his superiors and you get all the property of the marriage.

If he is serious he will make good on these actions. One repentant wayward on here just went and got the post nup as a surprise for her husband. Their recovery is going very well.

You will only feel more secure when words are turned into actions.

Since he is police officer, GPS or VAR in his car could put him in physical danger or be illegal. Especially if he uses car on patrol or does any plain clothes or undercover work.

Not worth the risk. Do other forms of monitoring instead.