You posted the following on 12/21:


Now, in light of your recent post where your husband is doing the "I'm gonna leave" game, what do you know about these two friendships? His apparent about-face sounds like someone that has renewed contact with their affair partner.

A few questions:

1. Do you have spyware on his cell? I see you have a keylogger on his computer.

2. How many hours of UA are you guys getting in? Yes, it'll be awkward at first, but you just have to plow through it.

3. Could there be another/different OW?

I think Melody's letter is a good idea. You should give it to him and call his bluff.

Melody,

believe it or not everytime he threatens to leave I say pretty much what you had written down that I dont want to live in and unhappy marriage either and he needs to put in more effort, NC with the OW, time together..... Usually by the next day he has calmed down and wants to work again or almost pretends like nothing happened( as what happened this time again). It just seems that when im ok or doing well emotionally he is doing well but as soon as i have a bad day or two he cant handle it and reverts to im considering leaving-

As far as i can confirm he is not in contact with her - and yes i do have spyware on his phone and search regularly for a affair phone. But what he does at his office which he goes to a few times a week for a few hours i cannot confirm.

We are probably getting in around 20 UA - getting around 2-3 dates a week with the rest of the time at home. He is no longer in contact with one of the two other women he was friends with - and he is cut down significantly the other one ( which is the one i had less of a concern with- she is not the type of girl physically he is attracted too)- So i dont think there is a different OW.

Honestly I am really getting to my last straw with this emotional roller-coaster- everytime i think things are getting better ( even when he says things seemed to be getting better just a couple of days ago- maybe you are right and he is in contact with her again- I have made it clear if he is we are finished) he crushes me and tells me they are not. Maybe it would just be better to be over with- I love him but I feel like this is destroying my life- everything in my life is suffering because of this, my job, my child, my house is a mess- I am going in to the DR tommrow to get some meds cause whether he stays or goes at this point I need something to help get me through.

Why not just hand him the letter?

Hi SM,
I was reading your posts. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Your husband is clearly still in withdrawl (and sounds still foggy). The only way he's going to get out of it is to write a NC letter to her (did he already? I didn't read all your posts).
It took me 4 months (after writing NC letter to my POSOM) to get out of withdrawl, so it may take him that long.

My only concern is that he's still indirectly contacting her. Stuff like looking at her myspace page, pictures of her, etc.
Any way you can find out if he's doing stuff like that? That will keep him in withdrawl. He has to be willing to make her dead to him in order to repair your marriage.
CT

CT,

I do not believe that he is still contacting her I have a VAR in his car, keyloger on his phone and home computer. He has recently just lost his job so contacting her from a work phone ( which was my last real worry) isnt even an issue anymore.

I actually have a thread now in the recovery forum and after i think it was NC broken 2nd time he sent a formal NC letter but it was a little while before he did it.

I do see some progress we are getting along really well, good communication, spending 15-20 of UA together, he is helping with the house a lot more- he hasn't threatened to leave in over a month ( sad but thats progress). But he still has no "feelings for me other than friendship" or "I dont know". At this point I dont know if its still withdrawal or if this is as good as its going to get. So i keep plugging away at filling ENs and not LBing for as long as i can

SM