My wife and I have been married over seven years. We have a wonderful little boy aged four and a half. I am 39. She is 43.

Her last relationship ended after 12 years. Both her grandparents and parents split up (her parents when she was already in her twenties). My parents are together after 50+ years.

Five years ago we left our home country and moved abroad to pursue the expat lifestyle. We came for my job offer... she gave up her career to start a fresh life here. She found work here, but not a career -- just jobs. Our marriage was okay, but as we came here pregnant and had a new baby within 6 months of arriving, intimacy became more and more infrequent. And we never really established a social network of friends here. We had only each other -- and spent all our time together.

About 7 months ago, my wife finally found a position in which she could get her career back on track. She is in a very demanding role. The company is an exciting place... dynamic, with lots of very social people.

That's when the serious trouble started, I think. She started working all the time -- her sole focus seemed to be impressing the new bosses. At home, she would spend all hours on her computer, leaving me to care for our son, cook all the meals, etc. Finances were also a problem... she made good money, but didn't contribute to paying the bills. I felt like everything was on me. I began to get bitter and show it... she began to withdraw. Sex became almost non existent... like every 4 to 6 weeks. I didn't try to initiate very often and neither did she. We became like roommates.

In October, she was overseas and while cleaning up, I found a note she had written to herself and sealed in an envelope with a big kiss, asking the "gods" to please let a romantic relationship evolve with a coworker who she was crushing on. He is younger and fit. I can understand the physical attraction. I confronted her when she returned home, and she said it was just a silly fantasy... nothing to worry about.

A month later, I discovered her web browsing trail on the computer -- she had been asking a psychic chat line about the possibility of hooking up with this guy... still obsessed. She was also asking about the possibility of sex with ANOTHER guy she had met at a social event (much younger). Apparently there had been lots of flirting between them and plans to go to lunch made at the outing, etc. I confronted her about this discovery, too... and again she said it was all silly, nothing to worry about... that she was just flirting to stroke her ego.

About a month later, she advised me she wanted to separate... said she had been thinking about it for a year... and had just been able to get up the nerve to tell me now. She said she wasn't happy... loved me, but wasn't in love with me (maybe never was). I told her that finding her notes, computer trail had prompted me to commit to being better and more attentive to her (which is true... I had sought counseling, read self-help and relationship books, started working out again, and was trying to be more kind and complimentary). She thought it was all an act and wasn't impressed.

She said too little, too late, but would give us three months while she 'worked on herself' and I worked on me... said she wanted space within our relationship. That 'space' became going out with the single, party girls from the new office every few nights, staying out late and getting drunk (again leaving me at home to care for the little one).

Then, long story short, on one of her outings a couple of weeks ago, she met an older guy in a bar, flirted, etc. A few nights later, they hooked up. I found the evidence (again psychic chat questions about whether they would hook up again) on the computer. I confronted her again... she denied everything... till I showed her the evidence. She was enraged at my 'spying'. But she has now provided some (not all) of the gory details, and acknowledged the infidelity YESTERDAY. (Yesterday was a rough day and my son heard a lot of screaming and crying, unfortunately)

In retrospect, I think my situation evolved this way because I am a person who shows love by doing, shouldering the family burdens. My wife is a person who needs compliments and affirmation. My being a dedicated dad and provider didn't do it for her... especially when I started to get grumpy about it. She needed affirmation that she was beautiful... that she was wanted. I didn't do that, so she looked outside for it. She says she has now called it off with the guy she fooled around with (did send an e-mail to him yesterday, when I caught her, which I saw), but she is out TONIGHT with friends.

She did not have an affair, per se, just a one-night stand so far, but her priority really does seem to be going out to meet men and feel 'wanted'.

She says my work to be a better, more complimentary husband comes too little too late. She is decided on leaving, but will stay in the same household with me, co-parent our son, and sort out our finances before she formally separates from me. In the meantime, she is party girl.

I love this woman intensely. She is a good person. She is beautiful and outgoing. And my son definitely needs her in his life. But I know my lack of affection took a toll on her. She has been on anti-depressants for a couple of years. I think some of her actions recently are mid-life crisis brought about by the new work environment (and the new social life it offers her... she's contrasting her situation as wife and mother to the 'free' coworkers who can party every night), so I don't accept the blame for everything.

How do I convince her to stop looking outside our marriage for affection, and that I am, once again, here for her. She thinks it's an act -- a desperate attempt to hold my nuclear family intact. It is not, though I have to say, I don't want my son split between households for the rest of his life. I'm at a loss for what to do.

Word of advice?

RS,

Do you know who this OM is?

If so you need to inform his wife or girlfriend, if not you need to find out.

God Bless
Gamma

I know all three of the guys... we live in a community with a very small expat population... it's like two degrees of separation here.

The first guy -- her coworker who she's crushing on -- nothing's happened. He's married with two kids and very much in love with his wife. My wife is still longing for him, but I don't think anything will develop there.

The second (young) guy she met at the social event... I actually confronted him... told him to stay away and cease any contact. He has a girlfriend and seemed scared of pursuing anything, so I headed that one off, I think.

This last guy -- who she fooled around with (not sure if there was actual intercourse) -- I know of him... have found his picture online, know where he works, etc. He's twice divorced and his kid and ex's live in another country. But she did send him the 'can't see you anymore' e-mail yesterday. So that one's done, too, I think.

With each guy she meets, though, she takes it to another level... so I'm afraid the next time will be the beginning of a real affair.

I'm feeling so helpless, sad and alone right now... no friends here to talk to... I can't get through to my wife about giving us another chance.

Good people don't cheat. You are covering for her. Your wife is already a serial cheater. I don't care how much you love her. Secondly. Chasing her around, begging and pleading is so unattractive. You were her meal ticket to get where she wanted. Now she doesn't need you anymore.

You may be right. She may be becoming a serial cheater, but I know it's only begun in the last two months. I have hopes of stopping it in it's tracks. I only found out yesterday about her actual fooling around with the one guy yesterday. I was a mess... judgemental, screaming, called her a wh*re, etc. But I have already decided to stop pursuing her and just 'be a better me' and see what happens. I have no choice for financial reasons to stay with her for the next 6 mos to a year.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry you are here. The reason this has happened is because you and your wife have fallen out of love. Your lifestyles cannot possibly sustain a marriage. You don't spend enough undivided attention time with each other to sustain the love in a marriage. Your wife goes out and parties without you like a single person. That is devastating to marriages and I am unclear why any husband would tolerate that. A marriage needs emotional intimacy that comes from affection, conversation, sex and recreational companionship in order to maintain the love. That has not happened in your marriage. So when she went out of town on business and spent time with her coworkers, it left a wide open gap for a new person to come in.

The fact that she says she is not in love with you and has "never been in love," tells me she is in love with someone else. It means she has a new point of comparison. She is having much more than a ONS, she has a new point of comparison which is WHY she believes she was never in love with you.

I hate to be so negative, but this will be a hard to save just because your marriage has had NO boundaries. She has the lifestyle of a single woman, not a married woman. She has likely had several affairs and seems to be actively seeking them. She is on the hunt. An entrenched lifestyle like that is much, much harder to recover from than a single affair.

Your best shot at saving this will be from quietly gathering GOOD evidence and doing a nuclear exposure. That might enough to shock her into changing her lifestyle. It is a longshot, but that is your best chance from my perspective.

I would put spyware with a GPS on her phone, a keylogger on her computer and perhaps even hire a PI. A good PI can probably quickly find out who her affair partner is and get you all the evidence you need.

STOP asking her about her affairs and just be like James Bond for now while you quietly gather evidence.

You can use that evidence to conduct a very strategic exposure. We can help you with that - go read the thread in my signature. That will kill *AN* affair, but it won't kill a lifestyle of chasing men. It might shock her enough to motivate her to stop, however. After the exposure you would have to sit her down and give her conditions for staying in the marriage. The main condition that she become accountable and start behaving like a married woman who observes appropriate boundaries around men. She will likely tell you to go to hell, but that is the only shot I see of saving this.

Keylogger software is how I found out about the ONS. I know it hasn't gone further... yet. Of course, now that she knows I can monitor her PC, she won't use that anymore for her communications.


The one stick I have is that she is under my work permit. If I advise the Gov't our marriage is over, she will be deported within seven days. If we didn't have a kid, I would do that. But financially and practically, I can't raise my son alone... and don't want to keep him from his mother... she cheated on me, not my son.

I will read your thread.... may be some good tips in there.

RS,

This last guy -- I know of him...know where he works,

Send an email to his place of employment, to his co-workers and boss.

He's twice divorced and his kid and ex's live in another country.

Send them emails too, you described him as older it's likely his kids are old enough too. Twice divorced, nice, sounds like a drunken lying barfly.

But she did send him the 'can't see you anymore' e-mail yesterday. So that one's done, too, I think.

Older guys don't give up, they have too much experience and in this guys case nothing to lose, confronting this POS will show your wife you are willing to fight for her. This guy is already attacking your son and his well being.

And YES SHE IS CHEATING ON YOUR SON, when we have kids there is an implicit pact that we look after their welfare, she has broken that.

God Bless
Gamma

She could destroy your family by cheating with these other men. Do you want your son growing up thinking that cheating is right?

This will be uncomfortable.

This will be HARD.

But she does not respect you. Do you know why? Because you're rolling over and letting her do whatever the heck she wants.

No woman respects a doormat!

What kind of phone does she have? I would get spyware on her phone. Some good ones are eblaster and flexispy because they both have GPS in them. Can you have her followed?

Where is she tonight?

I think "being a better you" is a noble goal, but I would save that for a more appropriate time. You don't paint the girl's bathroom while the Titanic is sinking. Right now your marriage is going down the toilet and if you don't put up the fight of your life, you will lose your marriage. It will take a very COMPREHENSIVE, FIRM approach to solve this. A tepid approach will do nothing.

You do realize that if you don't put a stop to this that your marriage will be over, right? She is looking around for someone to replace you right now. She might be successful if you don't stop her.

The fastest, surest way to lose your marriage is to do nothing.

At a bar, of course.

Is she an alcoholic?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, RS, and I'm sorry you've had to make your way here.

It sounds like you're comfortable with the concept of snooping. That's good. We have many new posters who balk at snooping because they think their wayward spouse needs their "privacy" "secrecy". I would suggest you get a keylogger on that computer asap. Check out the eblaster on www.spectorpro.com . Does she have a cell phone? Spectorpro has a download for cell phones. Can you get it from her long enough to slap a keylogger on it as well? I would also suggest you put a GPS unit on her car.

And stop letting her know when you find stuff on her browser history. If you let her know every time you find something, she'll figure out ways to avoid detection.

Your first goal is to identify who this OM is.

You'll also want to read up on Plan A on this site: What are Plan A & Plan B

You may have neglected some of her needs in the course of your marriage, just as she neglected some of yours. YOU didn't have an affair, though, did you. So don't blame yourself for her decision to have an affair. She CHOSE to have an affair. Her poor boundaries around men will have to be addressed, but first you'll need to bust up the affair.

Find out who OM is and we'll go from there.

Does she travel out of the country frequently?

She doesn't behave like someone who is having one night stands and "crushes;" she behaves like someone who is having an full fledged affair and is just supplementing with these other dalliances. Who does she go out with at night? Who is she with tonight?

And HOW do you know where she is?

No to travelling. She was away for medical reasons.

I do know who the OM is. He is a consultant who comes and goes from here. He's due to be finished his contract here within the next month.

I have his e-mail address... should I contact him and let him know I know about the 'incident'? Threaten to embarrass him to co-workers, etc. (Apparently, he couldn't get it up to complete the task).

No, no.

You do not threaten anything.

That gives him time to paint you as crazy.

And lets him know you're a doormat, too. He already knows what he did. What is telling him going to change?

NO - say nothing to him yet. Get your information together and plan to expose this to his employer. And do NOT threaten him about exposure. He'll circumvent your exposure by getting to your targets before you do. He'll spin the story so that you look like a looney-tunes jealous husband who thinks his wife is having an affair with any man who looks at her.

You need to document what you find - that's why we're suggesting the keylogging tools.

Keylogger is done. That's how I found out.

Phone is a work BB; can't hack w/out the password