The ONLY way you will have the marriage you want is by raising the BAR very high. If he won't live up to those standards, then you will have lost nothing except a life of hell with continual affairs.

This worked on my now XH. I told him it was far too painful for me to be in the same house with him and he needed to leave while we sorted it out. It took 3 weeks and and getting an emergency hearing set before he left...he signed off on a separation agreement with just one hour to spare before the hearing. Those 3 weeks of him being in the house with me were sheer torture. I felt MUCH better once he left.

estrela,

Requiring your H to treat you with respect is not pushing him away unless he is someone who does not plan to treat you with respect. Standing up and requiring that you be treated with respect is admirable.

Your H knows that and he also knows that what he is doing is wrong. But he wants to continue to keep YOU AND a secret life. He is stalling to see if you really mean it because he thinks there is a chance that you will back down.

Do a really good Plan A with no more AOs. The AO's only give him more justification. You want to leave him with warm fuzzy memories of "home" when you push the Plan B button.

I know this is so hard. You can do it.

I just called WH's mother and told her what's going on. She will call him now in his cell.
If I still had any doubts, I found a receipt for a Swarowski necklace, bought on Dec 19 (2 days before his "Washington trip") and a sushi restaurant receipt for Dec 21 (the night he was supposed to be in Washington (1st version) or in NY with friends (2nd version)).
This was a week after our 11th wedding anniversary. Of course you all know what he got me: Nada.
So this confirms that this direction of Plan B is really the right one. I am happy I find these things every now and then to remind me of the reality and of who is the guilty party here.
He left today at lunch time without talking to me (unusual even in the circumstances). I think I know where he went. Probably to talk to OW about the possibility of moving together.

Estrela, you are doing great. It is real, real important that you stick to your guns and continue to try to get him to move out. He doesn't believe you are serious so you need to keep up the pressure. Don't lovebust him, just use the comments that Pepperband gave you.

You might even pack his bags while he is gone to help him along and show him how serious you are.

Don't cry, yell, beg or plead. Just be firm and keep your emotions in control. Can you do that?

I would be more inclined to think he went to OW to work out a plan to go deeper underground with their affair.

I know how you feel about finding additional proof that he is cheating on you. It was the gift of clarity to me. I could see him for what he really was. You will get a lot of good advice on going Plan B. I never did that route....I went straight to plan Divorce...but I do wish you well whatever your decision. Plan B with or without desire for recovery or just straight to Plan D.

I had to file for divorce to get my XH out of the house. Sounds like you might have to do the same.

I would also explain to your kids what you are doing. Tell them about their fathers affair and that you are asking him to move out because of the pain it causes you. Your kids need to know exactly what is going on.

Mel, SW, thanks for the support.

I offered to pack his bags this morning, and he replied he will do it himself. It was a good reminder for him to leave though. I am still counting on the lawyer to help me get him out if he does not go by himself. He will be traveling next week for work, so that will be a good opportunity for preparations. But I think if the OW takes him, he will just go to her house for now.
Now that I decided on Plan B (and after his reaction to my letter), I've been more in control of my emotions. I am able to be calm, continue to take care of the kids, the house, even feed WH.
We are sleeping in separate rooms, so meeting his ENs, but I am not having emotional outbursts, nor asking questions anymore. I will try to keep my cool until he moves out (then maybe I will collapse, will see).

Estrela, please tell your kids TODAY so that he hears from his mother and his kids on the same day. His affair affects them very much and they have a right to know and a right to ask him questions about what he is doing to their family. Dr Harley is very strong about telling kids.

And I would go pack his bags for him, if I were you. When he comes home tell him again you need him leave and see if he will go.

I spoke at lenght with the older one (10). I told him exactly what's going on. He was with me when I found the necklace receipt and I used that as an additional example.
The younger one knows, but due to his development difficulties, he is extra sensitive, so I need to be mindful when talking to him. He suffers so much about everything.
I will call my stepkids also. They are 21 (boy) and 17 (girl). That will be tough to do...

Good girl. And ENCOURAGE them to call their father. Tell them this:

"please use your influence with your father [son, cousin, etc] to persuade him to end his affair."

Call anyone else who has influence over your husband and ask them to call him.

I would do as ML suggests. And remember, until a D decree, only his PERSONAL items leave that home. Any marital property stays right where it is. And ensure that you get ALL of his items, you don't want him trying to call you about needing something.

You have an IM ready right? Do you have visitations all figured out? Your children are old enough, so they can walk out to the car. My WH calls the home phone, my DS11 answers, and then they walk out, I lock the door behind them, without looking out. Then, when they return, WH says his good-byes at the curb, my DSx2 walk to the door, they wait for him to drive away, and then they knock. This way, no chance that I will have an accidental sighting of WH. It works quite well.

I also have a phone that allows me to change the ring tone, so I changed it for WH's number. Whenever he calls, I don't even need to look at the phone to know that it is him, and the boys answer if they are home, and if they want to talk. It would be okay to have a set time for your WH to call, if you are unable to set up the ring tone. Or, the kids could call him instead.

I had also set up an email account for the boys, and they can communicate that way. Ensure that your IM has access to the email account so he/she can see that it isn't being used to pass on messages.

It's normal to have doubts about PB. It's perfectly normal to be afraid about entering PB. It's normal to feel that this means the end of your marriage, and be frightened of it. KNOW that you are doing the right thing. You don't need to make any decisions about Plan D at this point. You still have time.

Even if you need to file to get your WH out of the house, you can still stall. We're here for you, and we will guide you down the path you choose.

Plan B is amazing. I was on the floor, bleeding, when I went into Plan B. The withdrawal period of a few weeks for the man you love(d) is also not much fun.

But then the sun comes out. You arent taking abuse, you get the spring back in your step.

I honestly don't care now if my WH ever repents. I think it would be better for him if he did, but I will do great after my divorce either way.

I am six months in.

I now wont settle for less than an MB marriage where I am my husbands first priority. If my WH ever wants to be that man, he will have a lot to prove.

I know this sounds like a platitiude but it does get better.

Get him out of that house.

Hugs.

I reinforced today that he needs to go now. He said he was having trouble finding a place. I said he was smart enough to figure this out and then I said this week, and he agreed. I know I need to keep the pressure on. I got the luggage and placed them in front of his room.
This morning we had the first normal interaction in days. I made coffee, he said thank you, he left for his first day of new job. Yesterday he was out with her, he did not say but I know it. He came back with red eyes and a change in attitude so I think things were not good with her.
I've been trying to call OW's mother (I think), it was the only number I can get for her. The woman on the line refused to identify herself and just kept telling me that I should leave him, that he is no good and that he will always be like that. I asked her if she was OW's mother and she said now. It was the weirdest call ever.
Steve Harley's office called today. I forgot I left them a message before the break. I made an appointment for tomorrow, for both of us. I am not sure if I should have done it, I do not want to delay the Plan B process.

I'd be willing to bet money that you got OW, not her mother...

No, I thought so in the beginning, but the phone number is in NC (and we are in NJ) and as she spoke more, she sounded really old and witchy.

This is terrific news. You will get the best advice.

estrela you are doing great. Hang in there.

That could just be faking, though. The fact you didn't give up right away surely could anger her.

Or it could be an aunt or older girlfriend of hers.

KR, why would you want to interfere with estrela's
impression that the "old and kinda witchy" person
she had on the phone was POSOW's mother?

Believing it to be "an aunt or older girlfriend"
certainly reduces the satisfaction of seeing this:



as POSOW's mommy, wouldn't you agree?

He thought OW would commiserate with him on the end of his marriage but this has offended her. I would step up the pressure and make him feel like an outsider in the house. Its putting pressure on the affair. Get his stuff in those bags, get his favourite coffee mug wrapped up so he cant find it and use it. Its not his home any more. Make it so his stuff is not where it should be. If he unpacks just repack. Then maybe put his luggage at his mothers 'for now until he moves out' unless you want to go the whole hog and change the locks.



My money is that it is the OW and she is a hag. Affairing down with someone gross is very common. Addiction isnt pretty.