We were also able to have a very open and honest conversation about the "why's". Things I never knew about my WS or fully understood are now out in the open. It was very refeshing to "lift the lid", so to speak. We are waiting on a bonus check to come in in a week and will be using that money for counseling to deeper explore this in individual counseling as well as working on our marriage in couples counseling.

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

WH claims he compartmentalized these indescretions and feels no withdrawl from the AP's. He claims they were "projects" and not women he had any feelings for. He said it's been very easy for him to let go because there was no actual feelings for these women. While I feel in my gut, my heart and my head he is telling the truth- reading over literature tells me I am giving him too much of the benefit of the doubt. That at this point if the affairs have truly ended, he should be going through some kind of withdrawl. Is this correct?

You see, we've only been married for 6 months.

You see, we've only been married for 6 months. This has apparently been an ongoing pattern throughout his entire life with many different relationships. One would think he needs to control his additction/boundary issues individually while working on the marriage together.

I have been reading "Not Just Friends" for the past few days and will be purchasing "Surviving An Affair" with my next paycheck on the 15th. After reading "Not Just Friends", he fits the exact description of an "entitled philanderer". I'm scared. I want to save my marriage but this book gave me the impression that what I'm dealing with is rarely a saved marriage. Has anyone here had experience with this?

We've been together for 7 years, however only married for 6 months. I believe there is a lot to save.
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But now that I have myself questioning these things, it's hard to take a stance one way or another.

WH claims he compartmentalized these indescretions and feels no withdrawl from the AP's. He claims they were "projects" and not women he had any feelings for.