Neak:

This "so-called" friend of yours would feel completely differently if it were her H that had the affair with the OW.

This business of forgiving both? Baloney. As someone trying to save her marriage, you MUST let your husband back into your life in order for your marriage to move forward. The OW? She will ALWAYS represent a huge threat to your marriage. And the fact that she has bad-mouthed you and shows no remorse reveals more of her true nature.

OW is a horrible person and a constant threat to your marriage. If your idiot "friend" can not see this, she is truly, well, an idiot.

And, you don't need her in your life. Ever.

Cheers,
SP

Here are my thoughts on this 'friend'.

In some ways she is right. Being friends with them is, in many ways, the same as being friends with the two of you. Both couples from the A have a WS and a BS. Both are staying together, both need forgiveness from their friends and family to heal.

BUT

What concerns me is this. In the most likely scenario, I would expect ALL the friends, as they realize that they must now be friends with one couple or the other, but not both...

...to choose the couple whose BS they are already closest to.

That being the case, why is this female friend so adamant about remaining friends with the other family? Most likely it is not actually her ties to the OW that keep her so close, but her ties to the BH.

FTR, I didn't have any friends that had to be dumped following the A. My friends were all firmly in the marriage corner.

From what I heard shortly after, OW lost at least one very close friend over the A. It speaks well of the friend.

She is friends with ow because their kids are friends, their h are friends and they are at the same school. My girl friend tells people that she hasnt chosen but I have as I cannot deal with being them being friends. Once again I am being portrayed as the weak one.
I can't seem to let her go. It hurts that she is still friends with ow. But they feel they are being fair to both couples.
They seem ow as someone who fell in love and made a mistake. They don't see the manipulation, the lying and backstabbing that went on afterwards.
I have been portrayed as the mental one.

You were lucky. I have lost friends due to OW's acting skills, manipulation and bullying.

AEK, I have a hard time following you sometimes, because it's hard to watch someone set their own land mines.

Have you not considered that your friend is right? YES, you made the decision to no longer be friends with her because of her association with a known criminal. That makes you the STRONG ONE. Why do you not see this??

AEK, you know no such thing. That is only your opinion. And I doubt that OW is manipulating or bullying anyone into not being friends with you. They're all big people, AEK, and have made their own decisions. If she is acting or lying to anyone to retain their friendship, time will out her.

I can't for the life of me figure out why you continue to waste so much of your God-given time on this earth obsessing over the OW and any former friends who continue a friendship with her. Those people belong to yesterday, AEK! This is today! Move forward!

AGREE.

And you know what would help you even more AEK? MOVE.

Do you still have all of the friends you have ever made in your life? Most likely not. So why are you trying to hold onto this one so badly? She is no friend to you. She is no friend to your marriage. She is toxic, and yet you would rather hold onto her than let her go. She obviously wasn't as good a friend to you as you thought she was. I think you have thought that she was a better person than she really is. Take a hard look at her, and why you want to hang onto her so badly.

Sadly, she is most likely going to be OW's next victim, but she has placed herself in that situation by her own actions. What is best for YOU and YOUR marriage is to get away.

To be considered my friend, you must ADD to my life, not knock me down. The closest friends I have around me(and I only have about 6 in total, seriously) support me, but they will tell me when I am not doing what is best for me. They want me to be my best, and they help me become that, as I do them. But, if any of these friends had been friends with OW, they would be GONE. I would have chosen my SANITY and PEACE over anything. When are you going to make that same choice?

What a fine idea!

I agree Neak... and we have been down this street before. AEK1 mentioned once that she believed her "friend" had cheated on her own husband previously.

Maybe that is why her friend feels a connection to OW (another wayward.) Or maybe she is attracted to the BH, or maybe she is just a stupid person to feel safe having her own DH around that OW...for the kids. Who knows.

At any rate, AEK1, moving and investing your time in building a "new" life with real friends is what you need most. Stop trying to figure out your "friend". You can't.

Yup.

She is yesterday'th duckieth.

Youguys are so wise... I guess it''s experience that gets you there.

And when you don't have your own experience to go off of, the best thing you can do is listen to the people who have walked the walk before you.

You can have that experience, too, after you stop wasting your energies trying to dissect the past.

Recovery is hard enough without setting up extra roadblocks.

Seriously, you can get where you want to be. You can not only heal, but be overflowing with joy, in each other and in life.

Tell us that after you've moved, AEK.

Will do. I know that will help 100%

Because of you guys I am in a better place. Yes I have the odd down moment and I post here but in general I am on the right road.

Thank you so much.

Great new year. A very positive start. Your advice, my hard work, some great friends, a reformed husband and the meds have seen me through my darkest hours.
Thank you!

AEK1. I truly want you and your family to find peace. Life is too short to waste thinking about some manipulative skank OW and continually suffering the triggers.

Our situations are so similiar with mean ex-friend OW who seem to have gotten out of jail free. It kills me. That said, moving and FREEING myself from her hurtful behaviour lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. It made it possible for my family to be happy once again.

I am waiting for your next post where you have been triggered again because you are still in her circle. Please understand that your triggers affect not just you but your whole family.

I hope for you to get to the place where OW actions no longer affect you because you don't even know about them. That is when you will find peace. Let go of that "old" life.

xx

Thank you for this. I totally agree with your advice re moving and know that this will be a great step towards final recovery. We are waiting to hear about my h job. Hopefully he wil be successful and this will mean we will move with the job in July. It sounds ages but we just can't move before then sadly.

I am taking steps to avoid those who know ow and never ask questions about her or her family. Being away in SA has really helped me see the value of being far away from OW.

AEK:

Glad your new year is starting out great!

Keep taking charge of your life and future. You're worth it and so is your family!

Cheers,
SweetPea