Think of it this way--

These are probably people who care more about "not taking sides" than about morals. You are getting rid of the bad ones.



We're here for you!

But she didn't feel like a bad one.....I am so disappointed and hurt but some people. I know you are right but it is really hard. I have tried to explain it to her....saying that I cannot cope with the triggers and that seeing her will now be a trigger as I know she is seeing the OW regularly. It really really hurts. I feel a very bad day looming.....must try to be more positive.

They see it as it is a year on and OW has shown remorse and therefore she has been accepted back in to society......they don;t understand the trigger thing....and I guess they never will.

Is this always what happens? I feel like I am being punished over and over again.

This is why you must avoid anyone who sees OW like that. You trigger and have a horrible day. And you don't need that.

This is also why NC for life is (in the case of recovery) for both MM and their BW...there is too much pain for the BW.

I recommend it for you, too.

What is MM?
It's so hard as she has got back in there and everyone seems to have forgiven her....she is still at the school where all my friends are so it makes it hard for them to ignore her.

We must move. Fingers tightly crossed that my H will get this job in Dubai - a fresh new start I hope for all of us. Fed up and upset today.

I'm gonna sound like a broken record here, but, MOVE.

You are going to continually trigger until you do. It has been suggested to you for pages and pages of this thread already. It's not going to change. You need to be away from ALL of these people. You can and should make a new life for yourself.

I know but it isn't as easy as that. My husband does a job where jobs do not grow on trees....we are trying to move.

Make it your mission AEK1. You shouldn't have to live like this.

What does your FWH do when you get these triggers? I bet your entire family is having trouble recovering with these constant triggers.

I just keep hoping to read your next post and see that you have moved.

Don;t you worry....I will let the forum know when we have moved....I know you are right but it is hard. I feel I have lost so much. Those who have sat on the fence have hurt me.

I know AEK1. I sometimes wonder how someone can sleep with their friend's husband and then turn it around to make the BS look like the bad guy.

I just can't get my head around it. I am a lot wiser in the friends that I now choose.

I know....I have been made out to be the mad one. I don't get it at all. She has played a very clever game and people seem to love her all over again. How quickly have they forgotten her lies.....or may be she has convinced them that I was the liar. I don't get it, never will and sadly it is hindering my recovery. I struggle every day knowing that people find her acceptable.

That's because you're still focused on her instead of the important things in your life.

I will sound like a broken record too, but that won't change while you're still living in her territory. Once your scenery changes, you'll be AMAZED at how well you start to heal.

I am so sorry AEK, I totally understand. I can't, rather I won't, speak to anyone who associates with OW. I feel like I have "lost" so many friends and people think I am going overboard in cutting off long term friendships. Honestly tho, I dont NEED "friends" like that. I still struggle how to put it into words tho..."it's too painful to be friends with you" is that what I should say?

Here is the note from my friend who cannot understand why I can't deal with her friendship with the OW

Dear XXX,

Thank you for your messages.

As much as I would love to just pick up our friendship, come and see your house, have Sunday lunch etc. I honestly do not feel you are ready for it. Just today XXX told me you were upset about her regular golf games with XXX and OW and told her you could no longer be friends with her, as you have done to me several times in the past. I know it's difficult but you have to accept that your mutual friends from school are still OW's friends too.

No one has taken sides and we are where we have always been, in the middle. Friends have forgiven your H and therefore have also forgiven OW. It's not just that, it's your text messages, your occasional facebook messages that everyone sees and receives, that suggests - to everyone - you haven't let it go yet. I know you are still trying to blame the school too and everyone wishes you would drop that as, ultimately, it just causes hurt and expense on both sides and suggests you never really cared for the school at all.

Rumour has it that you even went into the golf club recently to ask the staff when OW played golf!

Until you can accept what has happened and move forward, all seeing my H and I will do is cause you more hurt and anguish. Frankly we have all been through enough.

We are 15 months on, about as long as the affair was itself. Look forward, hold your head up. You have your marriage, your children's good health and happiness to concentrate on, you are a beautiful, clever, good fun girl. Stop worrying what other people are doing and what they are thinking and live your own life. We are only on this world once and you are making yourself miserable with constant reminders.

Love XXXXXX


NOW THAT REALLY HURT ME AND I AM IN A BAD PLACE TODAY.

This friend actually did you a solid. She is pointing out your behaviours that are destructive, TO YOU. You are CONSTANTLY thinking about OW. You are CONSTANTLY thinking about the affair. You are STUCK. You stay this way because you are still living there.

You will move, the day that you have felt enough pain and are ready to stop getting hurt. Until that moment, you will continue to limp along, and ask why you hurt so much. The answer to how you can feel better will always remain the same, MOVE.

When is enough enough?

AEK1. Take a deep deep breath and read this in the spirit that I write this. I am on your side.

From the outside, without the intense emotions that you have, I have read your friends e-mail. In the e-mail, I see caring, and concern for you. It looks like she put a lot of thought into it. I see her trying to explain her side and how things are viewed by herself and others...she is trying to help you.

Unfortunately, she is misguided in her view that it is ok to forgive OW who has done nothing to EARN this forgiveness whereas your husband has. This is common in people who have not been through infidelity themselves. There is nothing you can do to change this.


I would be more concerned with your friends naively allowing their own families to be around that OW who is still destructive and dangerous than what they thought about myself. I am afraid that they will have to learn importance of EARNING forgiveness the hard way.

She states that you are a beautiful, clever, good fun girl. I have seen that said by others in e-mails that you have shared with us. It is a recurring theme. I believe that your friends truly care about you but just don't get it.


Your friend gives you the same advice that we have been giving you. I highlighted it in red.

xx

OK....SO THE NEWS YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.....WE ARE MOVING TO DUBAI.....IS THAT FAR ENOUGH?!!!!! SEPT THIS YEAR SO JUST A FEW MORE PAINFUL MONTHS....

AEK1. This is a giant step in your recovery!!!

Will you be around other ex-pats in Dubai? Dubai. Wow.