CT,

I have some questions on your triggers?

What is your strongest trigger?
Do you and BH talk about OM?

ALARM! ALARM!


Your H should NOT be checking turd-bag's FB page. Seeing his picture, his posts... his FB page... HELLO?

NC goes for both of you. He is torturing himself doing this.

HHH,
My BH doesn't seem bothered by POSOM at all. He's angry at what I did but he doesn't see POSOM as a threat. He's not jealous of him in anyway cause he is such a turd-bag! However, I will mention your post to him because I agree. We need to assume he is dead to both of us.

Texas,
Hmmm.......the triggers vary. Thanksgiving was a trigger for me because it was my first holiday with no contact with him. I kept wondering if he was with his girlfriend (assuming he still has one) or if he was drunk at home by himself like the past three Thanksgivings. It shouldn't matter, I know, but it was on my mind.
Definitely the town he lives in and anything associated with it. I have to stay away from his town no matter what. Places we went too are a trigger.
Honestly, work is probably my biggest struggle because that's where I carried on most of the affair. That's where I had my "freedom", so it's good that my BH has managed to tap into my work computer and watch all that I do.

Sometimes we mention the POSOM but BH doesn't really like it when I do. Did I tell you how my BH works for the company that he embezzled from? I think that was a HUGE part of the affair for the POSOM. I believe it was a huge rush for him to "have" the wife of a successful man who's salary was coming from the place that put POSOM in jail. Make sense?

Music is a huge trigger. I have to try not to listen to sappy love songs. I don't listen to half of what is on my ipod anymore.

I could go on and on with triggers if you want me too.........
CT

JT,
I've been meaning to thank you for confiding in me what you WS says that helps you feel better. You think it would be obvious to me to say those things but I haven't been. The selfishness of a WS is so awful.

I am going to make a conscious effort to reassure him more.

CT

CT,

I am proud of you being here and trying to change who you had become, you had to altered your value system to have your affair and you had to justify it so you wouldn't feel your own value system betrayal.......which meant you changed your life model you lived your life with. All of that thinking is flawed and not realistic, it will take you time to change back to your old value system and your old life model.

you have to have logic rule now and not fantasy.......that fantasy life was illogical and you can't defend it with any kind of realism.
So on to your real life and the man that does love you in spite of all the disrespect you sent his way.......
You have to fix this with every word, every action alone at times for however long it takes.........
When the real you finally comes back to you, you will understand how flawed all your thinking was..........and how grateful you will be for the 2nd chance you have now.
Don't blow it this time.........you probably won't get another chance.....
When you have your triggers do what you can to change that thought, turn the radio off, redirect your thoughts, give yourself a talking to and move past it......

Thank you, JT,

I am slowly coming back to who I used to be. My husband said something to me last night. He said that the POSOM is a "psycho path". Well, in my mind, I was thinking "no, he's not. Psychopaths kill people and ruin people's lives".

It hit me like a ton of bricks this morning. I googled "psychopath" and the POSOM fits the definition perfectly and he TRIED to ruin my life. So,yes, you are right. I will not get a second chance.

I am so relieved that my husband saved me from the POSOM. Trying to forge any kind of reality with him would have destroyed so many lives. Ick........

I'm still working really hard to come back to reality. It's happening slowly but it's happening!!
CT

Your husband took the reins and protected you from yourself, he had to be strong because you weren't and couldn't look after yourself, you owe him for not letting you destroy your own life.......
Keep working and maybe someday you will be strong enough to hold him up and let him have you take care of everything for him.......
you are a lucky lady.......
You are blessed to have a man willing to stay with you and that loves you enough to still have your back, it's probably not easy for him so any words you can to reassure him he is the man for you will help him stay where he is right now.....
never let up, never give up.......
make sure he knows you will never give him up again............

JT,
You are so right. I want to be so strong one day that I can hold my man up.
CT

CT,

Thanks for your honesty. Do what ever you can to not talk about OM.

As you work on meeting your husbands top EN, your marriage will improve.

You are doing great. Listen to these vets, read all you can. Avoid LB...

Triggers will fade.

He certainly is a threat! Because you have been all fogged out about him, and you had an affair with him!

This is why the very first condition for marital reconciliation is NO CONTACT FOR LIFE!

Something is keeping you highly triggered. If your BH cannot give up OM, then you need to separate and get divorced. Then you both are free to pine away at OM.

Contact is manipulative and extremely dangerous for all involved.

It should STOP IMMEDIATELY!

I know you are all correct. I'm going to talk to BH tonight about stopping checking up on him. I want POSOM to be dead to both of us so we can focus only on ourselves.

I really feel as if my "revelation" yesterday is a turning point for me. I was foggy and couldn't see who POSOM really was. I now see him for who he is and he's DANGEROUS to my marriage and my family.

I am going to focus on BH's top 4 needs!

Everyday, give yourself 5 things that you can do for your husband and follow through, no matter what else is going on, make sure he knows and sees the effort, use your words, be grateful and affectionate......
make him feel special and secure

Fantastic, thanks so much, JT!! A wonderful idea for sure. I will start right now. I'm going to write them down then check them off!

Bumping myself and calling out to Mrs. W.....haven't heard from you in awhile!
CT

How has conversation been with you and your H? Have you stopped discussing OM?

How are you doing taking your thoughts captive?

CV

CV,
Thanks for asking. BH and I no longer mention POSOM.

I'm getting pretty good at controlling my thoughts. I've been reading a lot about it and practicing the techniques. It's great how I'll go hours and then realize I haven't thought about him once that entire time!

It took months but I've finally seen the A for what it REALLY was, as opposed to what I "thought" it was!
CT

Thank you for this article. That�s all I can say. You most definitely have made this post into something special. You clearly know what you are doing, you�ve covered so many bases.Thanks!


(EDIT)

Khemchicke,
Wow........you don't know how happy it makes me to hear that. I always hope that my mistake will somehow help someone else. What I really hope is that it STOPS someone from making the same kind of mistake. Thank you!
CT