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There are not just legal ramifications regarding the paternity of the child but more importantly, psychological ramifications that can affect the well being of the child if she is told, at some future time, that the man she has known as daddy is not biologically her father. A second DNA test may make those ramifications a moot point.

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Uh, how exactly is RL supposed to re-do the DNA test without her husband's consent/assistance?

Road, you are fixated on this point to the point of becoming obssessive about it. I'm not sure it's at all helpful to RL right now. She's got a lot of stuff to juggle, including GETTING A JOB, developing more loving habits towards her husband and becoming an all-round more respectable, moral person.

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RL

When you started your adultery, you shared it with someone, or more than one.
Who was it?
Did you have a friend(s) encouragement?
Who was it?
Tell me about this.
It's part of the "amends" process.

Did you share your adultery with anyone who got angry with you?
Who?
What happened?

Tell me who "knew" when your BH did not.
Part of the process of your personal recovery.



Pep

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RL

My "DNA" advice is simple.
This is a POJA decision.
If H is less than enthusiastic, it waits.

All POJA begins .....

"How do you feel about (issue/choice/decision)?"

This is not an emergency decision.
DNA won't stop this divorce.

OK.
Onward to self recovery.......

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
Originally Posted by Pepperband
I will do my best to assist you.

Step one ..... pick a new screen name.
One that goes with RL.
RecoveryLady?

Something less .... drama-queen-esque. dramaqueen

So glad to see the name change.

I remember when I first came here in 07 I was DisgustedWife. Since I was trying to save my marriage at that time I was encouraged to change my name to one more positive.

Small things do help.

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Originally Posted by kerala
Uh, how exactly is RL supposed to re-do the DNA test without her husband's consent/assistance?

Road, you are fixated on this point to the point of becoming obssessive about it. I'm not sure it's at all helpful to RL right now. She's got a lot of stuff to juggle, including GETTING A JOB, developing more loving habits towards her husband and becoming an all-round more respectable, moral person.


She has a full plate and it's her fault. Yes she needs to do what you're saying. Though some BH's would recover with an OC, and some won't. She has a shot, from what she has said, that paternity test was not that clear as it appears the doc used blood type to push the result to most likely.

Your're saying she should not take the chance at getting rid of the OC label. If the test is done again with all three present and the BH is not the dad what damage was done the child was already an OC.

But how is it not going to help if the BH is the bio dad.

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The OC or not OC, has a right to know who their biological father is.

God Bless
Gamma

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
But how is it not going to help if the BH is the bio dad.

You may have missed this:

Originally Posted by RL
I spoke with my STBXH today and asked him about the DNA Test results and what you guys said he will look into it to see if there are any problems and if necessary will get a second test but was quick to remind me that it will not change anything and that we are still getting divorced.

The BH is going to look into it.
He says the results will not change the road to divorce.

We wait for BH to make up his mind.

Meanwhile, RL ..... Learning to POJA with your STBXH about issues effecting both of you (and the kids) will be an excellent place to begin new habits.

Avoid making independent decisions about the kids.
Try to POJA as far as BH will allow.

If you like, I will post the POJA guidelines/rules.

Remember .... self control is your new mantra.


Gamma #2581513 01/05/12 11:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Gamma
The OC or not OC, has a right to know who their biological father is.

God Bless
Gamma

RL, this too can be POJA'd with your STBXH in the future.

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Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
I was hoping some of you could point me to a few books on dealing with divorce and separation as I'm not sure where to find them.

Call me crazy crazy, I think because you landed on MARRIAGE BUILDERS, you will best be served by implementing what MB concepts will work in your situation.
And, in doing so, you will develop confidence, self discipline, better relationship skills, and eventually peace.

Your situation will improve.
A "How to divorce" guide is not in my wheel-house.




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When my boys had to go to therapy, there was a copy of a book in the waiting room, "How to Have an Amicable Divorce". Know what I think?

I think most of the people who read it ended up divorced. Probably even amicably.

(Just to acquit our therapist, who was wonderful, the book was placed there by other therapists from the same group.)

Personally, I wouldn't want anything to do with a therapist who would put something like that out in front, the first thing you see when you arrive...the thing that begins to point you in the direction you will be guided.

It's like finding out you have cancer, going in for the first appointment, and finding your doctor's waiting room full of books like, "How to Die with Dignity" and "Surviving the Loss of Your Loved One".

Focus on the positive. Rather than see how bad you can keep from being, see how good you can become.


A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb



Neak's Story
Neak #2582306 01/07/12 12:03 PM
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Good Saturday morning to you RL.

Today it is good to be alive.

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Sorry for the long gap between posts. It's just i have a hard time figuring out what i want to say and how to say it.

Pepperband: I did not tell anyone about the affair while i was in it the one thing i knew before during and after the affair is that i did not want my marriage to end and I knew if I told anyone there was a chance it would get back to my husband. The number one thing on my mind during the affair was "don't get caught" And I'm ashamed to admit this but i did everything i could possibly think of to hide this from my husband (in fact looking for ways to hide is how i found this site frown ) I had set up a fake e-mail account to communicate with POSOM (I'm starting to learn the acronyms) I would delete every text i got from him almost right after i got it i would also keep my phone on me constantly (funny thing is the first time i didn't is when i got caught) and for the most part we would meet in hotels out of the way so nobody would recognize us.

As far as the DNA test results go my STBXH contacted the clinic who did it and told me they said that they do not have our results on file and have no record of any testing taking place. My husband told them that that made no sense that he has a copy of the results they sent him. My STBXH argued with them for over an hour but was told nothing that an investigation will have to be started and that they will get back to him. STBXH Says that he's going to contact his lawyer and have him look into it but in the meantime he has ordered another DNA test from a different company 2 actually. i don't want to get my hopes up but it would be wonderful for this to have been nothing more than a error of some sort on their side and my youngest is actually his It's what I'm praying for but I'm trying to get my hopes up.

As for how things are going with me i must say I'm actually doing pretty good these past few days. I spent the weekend with my daughters i took my youngest to the park she loves the swans that are there. Sunday I went out with one of my friends for a little shopping and had a great time we talked about how things have been these last few months and what a bad year 2011 turned out to be (my friend is also been going through a rough time) When I got home I was surprised to find that my daughters had cooked a big dinner and that they had invited their father over. When STBXH arrived they set us both down and told us that we have been having these family dinners every Sunday since they were born and that regardless of whether we're divorced or not that were still family and were still having family dinner. I broke down crying at this incredibly sweet gesture my husband just smiled and gave my oldest a hug we then all sit down and had dinner. It was great we all joked and laughed it felt just like old times my daughters had the biggest smiles on their faces (i have not seen him smile like that in a long time) and it was great to see them having a great time. after dinner we watched a movie together (Titanic my oldest and mines favorite) afterwards my STBXH and i talked. He said he was so proud of the girls and thought it was so sweet of them to go out of their way like this. He thinks that something like this is good every once in a while but that we are going to have the help them adjust to us living separately and being divorced. I told him i agreed and that i would do everything i can to help them and to make sure that they know that the separation is a mutual decision. It felt great to have him back in the home even if it was for only a short while and for the little bit that we did talk i really think i got a chance to practice POJA and to begin to show him and more importantly myself that i can redeem myself from this if i do the right thing.

To top off a great weekend today i had my interview and it went fantastic. They offered me the job right there on the spot i start in 2 weeks and i can't wait. So all in all I'm doing great my daughter's just left to spend the week with their father so that's got me a bit sad but I'm not going to let it bring me down. I realize one of the most important things i can do for my recovery is to keep a positive attitude and not to let the situation overwhelm me. I must focus on making things better for me and when given the opportunity making things better for my STBXH and most importantly making sure my daughters are looked after and loved. Thanks for reading i appreciate any feedback or constructive criticism you may have i can use all the help i can get.



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Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
I realize one of the most important things i can do for my recovery is to keep a positive attitude and not to let the situation overwhelm me. I must focus on making things better for me and when given the opportunity making things better for my STBXH and most importantly making sure my daughters are looked after and loved.

Yes.
Do this consistently and things will improve.

If you get low, come here to vent, I'll be happy to kick your butt for you. grin
Followed by a hug of course.

Keep posting, MB is a good resource for you.

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Oh Pepperband you're just too sweet a butt kicking and a hug what more could a girl ask for. rotflmao


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Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
Oh Pepperband you're just too sweet a butt kicking and a hug what more could a girl ask for. rotflmao

RL .... I'm pulling the "age card". flirt
I'm old enough to be yo'mama, and therefore, I lay claim to butt kicking and hugging rights ... at my discretion.

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Yes ma'am there's one thing I've learned in my 41 years it is not to argue with my "mama" I'll do what I'm told. grin


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Originally Posted by RecoveryLady
they said that they do not have our results on file and have no record of any testing taking place.

This is SHOCKING !!!
Oy-vey. doh2

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I know we were both shocked when we found out. I thought it would just come out that they didn't do the right test but the fact that they may have completely screwed up the results they sent us it's pretty shocking. Like i said though i would be ecstatic if this all worked out to mean that my youngest is biologically my STBXH's. i can hope but i know i shouldn't.


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I'm praying this works in your favor.

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