My strategy would be: avoid overt signs of affection, and concentrate on making conversation. Ask her how she is doing. Find out about the problems she is facing in life. If she is worried about your son, definitely talk about that.

Study and memorize the friends and enemies of good conversation.

(Invest the time in finding that page on this website. Read it frequently.)

At the end of the appointment, when you guys are about to separate, casually extend an invitation for her to do something with you some time. Be gracious if she says no.

On another note, take seriously her complaint that you should have made this decision about your son in conjunction with her. You guys are still married, and your son is her son, too. Tell her, "I'm sorry; you are right; I should not have done that without consulting you." And in the future, consult with her.

I will do that Markos, i am a little surprised that you have not addressed the possible affair i think she may be having now. What are your thoughts on that?

Hey Markos, i was on the show today. Dr. Harley told me just to wait until the affair died a natural death. I meant to ask him about exposure at this point. What do you think, i believe it would speed up the process....

I may have missed it on another thread, but what happened with this opportunity?

Have you read the pebble/stream analogy? Making love bank deposits is like tossing pebbles into a stream: you cannot see any difference in the stream for a long time. And then, suddenly, you have a bridge you can cross.

It is really like this. You have to train yourself to keep making love bank deposits (big, or little), no matter what. The only time you refrain is when she indicates that a deposit you have in mind would actually be a withdrawal.

The opportunities will keep presenting themselves, if you keep looking and looking and looking for them. You need some super creativity to make this happen.

Focus on the typical woman's top emotional needs. Affection, conversation. Don't be so affectionate that she can't believe it, but do let her know that you are thinking about her and want to reconcile with her, and show her that if she does reconcile with you, she will be cared for. Use conversation to investigate, inform, and understand her; don't interrupt her, but let the conversation be balanced; encourage her to talk about herself and her feelings; TATTOO those friends and enemies of good conversation on the back of your eyelids!

What ENs is this other guy meeting for her? Meet those!

Not so occasionally that she does not hear from you. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder!

You need to be doing something every DAY to make a love bank deposit, if at all possible. Just a "thinking of you" text or email may work sometimes. A sentimental card and small sentimental gift for any occasions, DEFINITELY (Mother's Day, birthday, anniversary). A small, understated rose once in a while. An occasional "how are you doing?" phone call, where you just let her talk, if she wants.

Doing that kind of thing will hopefully lay the ground work for her to date you again.

When you see ANY indication that she is thinking about you again, you DATE! Just date! And you make it fantastic, to deposit as many love bank units as possible.

Since you guys have been separated for so long, I have been uncertain what to say about that.

I know that Dr. Harley seems to think that you can outcompete this guy.

My thinking is that you will get more effectiveness out of increasing your love bank deposit performance than out of any attempt to break up the affair. More carrot, less stick. I wouldn't say no stick, but I would say that I think you are capable of a lot more carrot.

If you write Dr. Harley a follow up letter maybe he can give his answer. I'm a little worried what to say, because this is a little bit different, in that you guys have been separate for so long.

The fact that the guy is abusive would definitely seem to recommend exposure, as well as a big boundary that you do not want your son around this guy!

However, she already thinks you are controlling. It's tricky. Very tricky.

It seems like Dr. Harley would have mentioned exposure and focused on it if he thought that was an important step. The fact that he didn't seems very unusual to me, which makes me hesitate to recommend it, for once!