Hi everyone...not sure if i'm in the right place but am hoping for some direction. My husband moved out of state in June for work. In August he started an affair and we separated. He moved in with the ow in October, and by November we were talking regularly on the phone. I begged him to come back and he was adamant he would not. I finally stopped calling then the beginning of December, he started calling me, wanting us to get back together. He told me he loved me, didn't want to throw away 15 years of marriage, and wanted to come home. We talked the entire month of December and everything was great. I went to the other state last Friday to pick him up and haul his things back to our state. Everything was great Friday he was so happy to see me and very loving. Saturday was good, then starting Sunday he pulled away. He doesn't want to talk to me, is being very short and mean, and accuses me of nagging ( i am not). He absolutely refuses to talk to me about our relationship and I am sad and frustrated over this turn of events. He is even calling the ow (i know b/c i check the phone records) this was one thing he promised not to do. He doesn't know that I know he is calling her...i don't say anything. He talks to her in the mornings for about 10 minutes....Any advice is appreciated! thanks

Lilac,

I am definitely not the expert here, but I have been where you are. My H had an affair early in our marriage and separated from me. When he came back, he seemed remorseful, loving, everything your H is doing. But less than a week later he turned. Because I feared that he would leave again, I didn't push the issue. I wish I had, because 13 years later, he had another A. You need to resolve the issues to your satisfaction and your terms, not his. You might regret it if you don't.

Lila, this is the problem, he is still in touch with the OW. An agreement should have been made BEFORE he moved back that he never see or speak to the OW again. Otherwise this is hopeless and you are faced with watching his affair up front and close. You are in what we call a "false recovery," which is more painful and more harmful than the initial discovery of the affair. Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from this experience.

So, your first step is to set some conditions here. If he won't meet your conditions, then he should leave. You should confront him NOW, TODAY and *DEMAND* that he end all contact with the OW for life. He should exchange cell phones wtih you today and agree to send her a no contact letter that is written together and mailed by you.

Explain that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage where you are subjected to his affair. Tell him you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OW for life - send her a no contact letter

2. hand over his cell phone and cut off all avenues of contact

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about the affair

6. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Lilac,

So sorry you are here, but it is the best place to recover a marriage.

He is acting this way because contact with the other woman had stopped and then resumed. He is in what we call "the fog".

How long have you been married? How many kids do you have and how old are they?

now that he is home, you will have a better chance at recovering your marriage and stopping the affair.

But first, do not let him know you know they've been talking. Sit on that for now. Also, start collecting evidence. Put a voice activated recorder (about 50 bucks at best buy) under his seat and monitor what he says. This is essential for when you expose the affair (and you will have to do the painful work of exposure to end it).

CV

I am also guessing she is in another state? Do you know who she is? is she married?

CV

He is likely to go back to her for a while before this is all over. Even so, your chances of recovery are still good, so don't stress his location too much for now.

Do the two of you have any children, together or separately?

You need to immediately begin Plan A.

His adultery was not your fault, AT ALL, but you still are bound to have some things in your half of the marriage that can use improvement. Here are a few things that can help.

1. Go through the Emotional Needs questionnaires on this website. On the page that ranks your WH's needs, fill that out on his behalf, using your best guesses. After 15 years, you know him pretty well, and your answers will be close.
2. Focus most of your attention on his top 3 needs, as much as he will let you meet them. (If Sexual Fulfillment is one of them, and for most men it is top 3, be sure to either use protection, or meet it verbally - expressing with words how you would like to meet this need once he passes an STD test.)
3. Go through the Lovebusters questionnaire. If you know you are doing any of those things, stop immediately.
4. Expose his A to all your family and friends, all his, and all OW's. We can help you prepare for that. DO NOT give him (or her) any advance warning. Just get your ducks in a row, and do it. He will be extremely angry. Expect it, and don't stress it. Your marriage can survive his anger. It will not survive his adultery.
5. Without making any demands at this point, gently tell him that it hurts you to have him continue to contact the OW. Let him know that, in order for your marriage to survive, he needs to end all contact with the OW. Eventually you will enforce this boundary, but for now just tell him that it is what you need to heal.

It sounds like you have already made some good progress. This A isn't over, but it is declining. Get ready for some hard work - I know you can do this!

Lila, please stay focused on the FIRST STEP, because attempts at recovery will be useless unless he ends all contact with the OW. Start by confronting him and coming up with a way to PREVENT continued contact, such as exchanging cell phones, etc.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

Ask him to send a no contact as outlined by Dr Harley here:

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Thanks everyone for all the advice, I am very grateful b/c everyone in my life is only telling me to leave him now, but I don't want to do that. To answer a few questions (and forgive me if i forget some b/c im at work, trying to type quickly) we have been married since July 1997...no kids....the ow lives in another state. She isnt married, they dated briefly in high school and when he went back he saw her at family gathering. She is the helpless type, was living with her parents for 3 years before they moved in together, and doesn't work. i work from 10 to 7, get home about 8. last night as soon as i walked in the door, he went to bed, not even 10 minutes went by.

Just to be clear, Plan A is still compatible with him moving out if contact continues. Dr. H said that asking (telling) an adulterous spouse to move out if they persist in contacting the OP is a reasonable response.

If he did end up having to move out, whether near you or with OW, you would still continue Plan A for about 3 weeks (no more than 6), and then go into Plan B, where you are no longer in any contact with him until the A ends completely.

Even when he is behaving like a whiny toddler, be cheerful and upbeat, avoid lovebusters, and meet his top emotional needs as much as he will let you.

You don't need to hit him with this one quite yet, but be aware that if you are going to recover, his travelling alone will need to stop.

Also, most people just advise you to leave because they have bought into the popular myth of "once a cheater, always a cheater". There are some folks that label could apply to, but the majority of cheaters were good people before, and can become good people again afterward, IF they eliminate the conditions that made the A possible.

Around here, a truly repentant, FORMER wayward is something we see every day of the week. Many of our most valued posters are FWS's. It gives us a much more optimistic viewpoint on marriages which have been broken by infidelity.

Realise that he wants you both, lf. He wants you meeting some needs and her others. Thats why he came home - she works very well as a side dish but is inadequate on her own.

He will lie (as he already has re NC) to keep this set up going where he has the attention of you both, so take nothing for granted. Keep snooping.


Demand today NC with her. As long as he talks to her it keeps the fantasy going. Cutting her off is step one.

Affairs do not necessarily = divorce. Many of us here are living proof of that. There is hope

She's not helpless. She's a mooch. She went from one cushy set-up to another without having to lift a finger.

Forgive me if I missed it: so he's back home with you? What is his attitude about recovering your M? What have you done to eliminate his contact with OW? Has the affair been exposed to her parents? Does she have a Facebook page? What family gathering were they at?

I'm sorry, but if you got home at 8 and he immediately went to bed, it sounds like he's still in contact with OW. You're going to need to expose the affair.

Have you spoken to this skanky OW?

Neak, whiney toddler is exactly the word to describe him at this point. I am doing my best to stay positive and upbeat, and not nag. To be clear, he is back living in our home, and is no longer traveling, she is 3 states away. I am just frustrated he is being this way to me. am busy reading thru all the wonderful threads!

bliss...yes he is home with me...i haven't said anything about the phone calls and i have never confronted her. she does have fb but it's private, he does not have fb. her family does know about it, as does his...they were at a birthday party for his niece, she is (was) actually a friend of his sister's.

Sweetie, reading the threads is a great idea, but it's important to focus on your next step that needs to be taken quickly. I'm going to re-post part of MelodyLane's earlier post to you, because this needs to happen now:

lila, start by confronting him and explaining that he cannot live there unless he ends all contact. I would also suggest that you read the link in my signature and send out exposure letters to the OW's family. Let them all know she is doing it with a married man.

Raise holy hell in the affair and give him your conditions. TODAY.