My wife and I have been married almost 9 years. Early in our marriage I went online and chatted with a female and sent her picture while my wife was out with friends. The female called my phone to talk while my wife was there. (This was year 2 of our marriage)

About 6 months ago (I had an inappropriate conversation with her best friend. I was feeling unloved and neglected. Her best friend told my wife the things I said.

In November my wife began an affair with someone that lasted up until December 9th. They had numerous phone calls every day from late Novemeber through early December until I blocked his number. Then communicated on Facebook. It was all brought to light on December 9th and I called her mom, my mom, her best friend, her dad and told them my wife was "talking" to another man.

I hadn't ever been on this forum until today and only told other people because for the last part of November my wife became very distant and secretive. I believe the affiar ended on Dec 16. She was so mad that so many people found out and she resented me so much throughout christmas. (We have 4 kids together as well) She now tells me she loves me like a brother and can't even picture intimacy wiht me on any level. Emotional or sexual.

I've struggled with pornography throughout my marriage and that caused me to emotionally neglect her the past few years. In early December while the afiar was still going on she told me the only reason why she stayed with me was because we were fighting for custody of my oldest daughter.

I've been an emotional wreck the past month. I am seeing a counselor to to address my own issues and she started seeing one to talk about hers. She tells me she is scared that more happened that was my fault than those two incidents and she can never trust me again.

She keeps getting mad when I bring up my hurt about her affiar because I should focus on what made her want to leave and why my ex girlfriends wanted to leave. She believes I am hiding other stuff from her because she has no idea what I do at work all day while she is home with the kids.

I want this marriage to work for my family, for my kids, and for me. I feel like I am always hitting a brick wall and when we talk about our feelings she just gets mad at me for the things I have done to her. There are days though where she is "normal" and that just makes me feel sad becauase I feel like I need her constant reassurance that everything is ok.

She tells me she doesn't even know me anymore and can't seperate the man who hurt her from the loving man I have been at times. I am struggling with my own pain and can't get past my hurt. She told me in December that if her feelings don't change in the next 6 months she was going to move out. I keep focusing on June and the thought of her moving out cripples my ability to live in the moment. I suck at this. I don't know how to make things work to save my family. I've screwed up bad and own it.

Welcome to MB, DAs,

What have you done to verify the Affair is over? Has she come clean about everything to your satisfaction?

One thing you can do to verify the affair is over and to also put her at ease is a polygraph test. Both parties get tested.

I suspect if she is showing little remorse over her affair and is still having angry outbursts the probablility of the affair having continued is high.

CV

Welcome to MB...you've come to the right place. You don't know what to do because you've never been taught. You need a plan. Conveniently, MB is a marriage recovery plan.


First things first....are you sure about your wife and OM having no more contact with each other. You can't trust her word right now and she's addicted to her relationship with this other man (OM) and you can't work on or recover squat as long as that relationship continues in any way, shape or form. If she works with him...she has to quit.

BTW...

How old are you and she?
Were you married before (you mentioned an older child)?
Does your wife know your posting on MB?
Is she reading along (if not...don't tell her now...keep this a secret for a bit so we can get YOU fully supported first)

Mr. Wondering

I am 31 my wife is 27. This is our first marriage. I was 23 and she was 19 when we got married. She does not know I am posting on here.

I am fairly comfortable that the affair is over. I check her email accounts and have spyware on her computer, that she knows of. Over the past 2 weeks she hasn't hidden her phone from me. She hasn't wanted to talk about any of the conversations she had with (OM) She told me on Dec 12 she wouldn't talk to him anymore but kept talking to him until Dec 16. His number is blocked via our cell phone provider, he is blocked on her facebook. She has been much more "loving" over the past 2 weeks.

I never saw any evidence that she sent him an email or phone call to call it off. I wonder if I need to call him or email him. She created an email account on December 28 and sent a picture of herself to that account, then deleted it the next day. She claimed she was thinking about deleting all of her other email accounts and only using that one. I reactivated the account and didn't see any emails (including the one she had sent herself) She also that same day drafted an email to (OM) but never sent it..it was saved in her Drafts folder. She was very remorseful when I called her out on it but said it was how she was dealing with stuff. (The email said "Hey how is everything going") I want to believe her but everytimg I bring it up she accuses me of being shady, which she has every right to. She tells me that she just wants to move on from what happened and everytime I point something out it feels like a huge cut that I keep poking at. She tells me when I freak out and ask her stuff that she only talks about my feelings with her counslor as opposed to being able to address her issues.

Das, it's unfortunate that your WW is aware of the spyware. How did she find out?

It sounds like you've done nothing to kill the affair. I suspect she has gone underground with OM.

If she is aware of a keylogger, she may use another method of contact with OM. Have you searched for a hidden cell phone?

There are certain steps that need to be taken before you can begin recovery. She needs to disclose the facts of the affair to you - as much information as you want to hear.

She needs to send a No Contact letter to OM, as a gesture of respect and care for YOU. We have sample letters on this site. Please don't let her write anything in her own words without showing us first. Waywards aren't good at ending affairs in their own words.

Who is OM? Do you know him? Is he married? Does he have a Facebook account?

No, she has no right to bully you into submission. YOU have every right to know the complete details of the affair and to be aware of everything she does. If she's doing nothing wrong, she shouldn't mind this. My H has access to every part of my life, and I couldn't care less. I have nothing to hide from him.

Why is she in counseling? Does she have a problem?

She went out and bought the software and put it on her computer. It has a key logger. The guy has a facebook account but I check her account to make sure he is still blocked. I look at her text message information each day. I look at the 2 email accounts that I am aware of and check her emails. How do I get her to agree to do a no contact letter? If she is adament that she has already done this should I still make her send one?

The other guy is single, just moved back to this area, has kids he doesn't have custody of, has no car and no job. She said he was living in a motel.

Why did she put a keylogger on her own computer?

If you suspect she is still affairing, I wouldn't bring up the No Contact letter. You need to find out first exactly what she's up to.

Why is she in counseling?

By telling her that if she wants to stay married there are certain conditions she must meet and they are non-negotiable:

1. She divulge EVERYTHING you need to move forward regarding the affair

2. She live a life of complete openness and honesty

3. She put in place extraordinary precautions to prevent her from engaging in the behavior which led to the affair

4. That she write a no contact letter to the OM which you approve and mail off together. There are samples on the site here.

CV

I have no evidence of any contact since December 16. The only way she could possibly contact him is on her phone and have created another email account. Not sure how I go about figuring that part of it out though.

If MB and others advise against #4, go with that and hold off on the NC letter, but continue to gather evidence and I'd still go with 1-3. There is a section on the site about finding this stuff out. It can help much better than me.



CV

Prepaid cell phones can be purchased at the corner store for 9.99.
Of course she can have another email account....or two or three or ten.

That she put a keylogger on her computer is weird.

Not sure if you can put one on in secret or hers will find it....oh...hey....maybe that is WHY she did it. So you could not do it without her knowing?!

Get a voice activated recorder and figure out how to set it to work without detection (noises from it, etc). Practise setting it two or three times. Put it where she might feel safe to talk on a phone (her car, etc).

Do not tell her you are snooping. Snoop to find out what you are dealing with. It isn't fun to keep things from a spouse, but a spouse who has broken the sacred trust of the marriage is not trustworthy and you have to independantly, in this circumstance, find out important information which requires not revealing your inquiry.

If she did stop her affair, yeah.
If not, you need to know sooner rather than later.

Did she do this because she WANTS you to hold her accountable and help her break things off with OM because she recognizes the addictive nature of the relationship?

It's not common but possible.

So she wants you to be sure it's over and hoping once your satisfied it's over you'll just bury it and by doing so somehow you'll both get your feelings back by June.


Hope is not a plan.

One thing my wife and I did back in 2005....I bought Dr. Harley's book His needs/Her needs on a CD/audio version and took a road trip with just my wife (it's good to get away in these times which might be tough with 4 kids but so very important to increase your alone time with her so you can start making love bank deposits again)....anyway...we listened to the book TOGETHER (instead of reading it separately). We paused the CD and discussed many things over that weekend.


You are only 31. I got married at 30. It's time for you each to give each other a do over and make your marriage a marriage to be envied by all...from this year forward. It's never to late.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- while away...find a theatre still playing the movie "Courageous". You need breaks from time to time in recovery and this movie will only help motivate you both. It's an awesome film about being a father and a husband. If she won't go...go yourself or take the kids. Great family movie.

I was "freaking out" when on Sunday Jan 1 when I saw the new email account. That night she just wanted to reach out and hold me and not let go. Then she told me she was buying the spy software to make me feel better. We downloaded it and set a password together. Ive done things that are untrustworthy as well and honestly she should be able to "spy" on me at all times.

Ive thought about calling the guy and telling him for the sake of my 4 kids when was the last time he talked to my wife. Any thoughts on if that is a good approach? I know the last phone call was Dec 16.

Calling OM and asking him won't do as much good as getting a polygraph. Maybe the two of you can have polygraphs for each other. That way you will both coming clean with everything from your past.

I texted her best friend and her best friend confirmed that my wife kept talking to OM for about 4 days to "break it off". Not sure why it took 4 days? But that was the last time. She would tell her best friend if she kept talking. Unfortunatly her best friend will tell my wife I asked and my wife will push me away and be mad at me even more. I feel like every move I make is the wrong move and I just go nuts and reak out all the time.

That's why you act confident and assured on the outside and get more creative with your snooping on the down low. For example...instead of asking your wife's best friend...maybe you put a voice activated digital recorder in her car to catch her conversations on her cell phone with her best friend (and OM if she calls him again)....just to be sure for awhile. That way you get information without revealing to anyone (and I mean ANYONE) how.

The keylogger is nice to hold you both accountable but it's only a band-aid since she KNOWS it's there. If she's not in contact ....GREAT, but inspect secretly what you expect and otherwise ACT confident (which is more attractive).

Mr. Wondering

Fighting for your wife and family is never a "wrong move". You don't have to apologize for it. Your wife (and you) aren't trustworthy. You'd be a fool to believe her and questioning her best friend was prudent. Ever wonder why they say "the truth shall set your free"? Now you know...you and your wife BOTH need a come to TRUTH discussion. Honesty is a cornerstone of the MB program and right now you can't trust a thing she says...so snooping is your best alternative while you attempt to Plan A her back into engaging in your marriage.

Don't tell her you are posting but you can buy the books/cd's and start introducing her to the concepts. As an alternative, the main website above has some great articles and information your can print off and begin introducing to her. I actually got my wife to post on MB before I ever signed up by sending her a link to a wayward wife's story in the forums that I thought she might relate to .... she was so confused and lost herself at the time that she read it and shortly thereafter registered and started seeking direction herself from the fine posters here.

MB saved our marriage. Hope you and your family can experience the same.

Mr. W

I suck at the acting confident thing. All I feel is so much pain. Her best friend just told me that she emailed him with a fake account on Dec 28 to officially end it. She claimed she never emailed him. She was sneaking around because she felt like i was controlling her and watching her every move and didn't know how to end it.

Dasamary,
Your wife is acting weird. I know because I am a WW. I hope to soon be able to say a FWW but I haven't earned that yet.

Anyway, my instincts say she is still in some kind of contact with him. There are many "underground" ways to contact people.

She is manipulating you. 6 months? No one can recover that quickly nor can anyone make a decision about leaving that quickly. If she really wants to work it out, you'll know. She seems to be splashing around.

Why do we WW's pick such losers when we have such great husbands? Don't be so afraid of her reactions. She's under your thumb rather you know it or not. Sounds like she's putting on a good game face. Underneath she is falling apart.

Listen to everyone on here (especially Mr. W and CV). Follow their advice.

She MUST write a no-contact letter. If she hesitates then she's still in contact with him. The NC letter is for BOTH of you. It's the best thing I could have done.

Good Luck!
CT