My H is driving me crazy. Years back, I had spent a lot of time at MB & it was extremely helpful in saving my marriage. I learned a lot about myself, what was reasonable, & how to respond/react. Many of my problems now are, at the root, the same old ones that are manifesting in different ways. The good thing about this, I can recognize them. The bad thing, I am tired & feel like I just keep lowering the bar.

I think the main source of my current fustration is that my H is an addict. This has affected us in many ways, most notably that H is a compulsive gambler (but not acting out in that way -mostly- for a few years). This behavior practically destroyed our marriage AND lives at least twice. Addiction sucks. And when someone is an addict, they have to be viligant FOREVER...including recognizing a new behavior taking the place of the old.

Two years ago H had a big surgery on his back. He is still suffering from it (and before the surgery his injury affected everything for the better part of a year or more). He is currently addicted to painkillers. The thing is, he NEEDS them. He cycles taking them for 2 weeks (or so) on & 2 weeks off.

This is asanine! It means that he is often either in pain or half stoned. It means that I can never guess how he'll be behaving. It means that I can't count on him to be awake during the day & asleep at night. It means that he often (2-4x a month) is sick from taking pills incorrectly. It means that he probably is in withdrawl regularly.

He says he "throws" the pills out when it gets intense. Maybe he does. But during Christmas, I knew he was abusing them & counted his pills. In a little over a week he had taken 2/3 of his monthly Rx. So I'm thinking he's just out for half a month because he over takes them.

I am trying VERY HARD to not hate him. I am trying to keep seperate what he does vs how he treats me. I am trying to fight back resentment (which practically poisoned my life years ago). I've lost touch with MB & have become more self-preservation-minded. I need help.

The good thing is, about a year ago we had a blow-out, & he did/does try to work on the outcome from that. Also over the last 5 years he has made a HUGE improvement in his treatment of me.

We are both about to turn 40, approaching 20 year anniversary. Our oldest just turned 18 & started college this week. The next is 14, & we have an alomost 3 yr old we adopted last year.
H doesn't "work", he's a full time college student, but does side jobs when they can be found. I work @ 15 hrs a week.

About my title: "engaged" meaning not withdrawn.

Galinda, can you give this a look?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html


http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048b_qa.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048c_qa.html

Galinda, have you re-read the Basic Concepts on this site, recently? Because what you are saying here is completely counter to concept #1, the Love Bank.

Everything your husband does has an affect on you. Everything. Your Love Bank makes no distinction between "what he does" versus "how he treats you." And you can't change that with any conscious decision you make or any effort you make. You cannot make yourself feel different. Only he can do that, and that is because he is the one that controls his balance in your Love Bank.

Please let go of trying to do this. What you are doing is making yourself continue to do things that your emotions are warning you not to do. This is how aversions are created, and it is very devastating to a person's health and immune system, particularly women. You might read Dr. Harley's article on sexual aversion. You may not have a sexual aversion, but the concept of aversion and what causes it is explained there.


How you feel about him is caused by him, not you. Resentment because of the way he is living now is only natural. HE NEEDS TO CHANGE.


We can help you, and you also may need to be in al-anon or a similar program for people married to addicts. You need support.

Thanks for your insights.

I don't think he is up to changing. I don't think he thinks he has a problem other than being in pain. And I know he doesn't believe this has any connection to his previous behaviors.

I feel like I am constantly berating him for the same thing. I even feel bad complaining about what's going on now because he did do a lot of improving from our past.

A long time ago I looked in to alanon or something like it, I couldn't find anything (I was going 16 yrs ago in another state). He also looked for GA awhile back & they are very inactive in this area. I've learned a lot about addiction, and one thing that I know is that there is seldom a complete recovery. My Dad was an alcoholic, he stopped drinking in the 80's through AA. Now that my Mom has died he is drinking again. It is confirming to me that my H's addictions will never really be gone. Ex: even when he is doing everything "right" (as far as addiction goes), I can't even have pepto bismal or cold medicine in the house, because he'll go through the entire thing in a day or a weekend. And he'll lie about inconsequential things.

I see this as always being a thorn in my side. I go through periods where I handle it better, or where he is healthier. Ironically he thinks he is doing well right now.

I am aware of what Dr Harley says about fixing the addiction before fixing the marriage. But what about when it never gets fixed? Beleive me, I'd love to have some control over that! Lesson #1 for the spouse of an addict: you have no control. It took a long time to learn that I can only control myself & not him.

I need help on how to not LB constantly. Also I need support, as you said, because I don't have an outlet. I have asked him many times over the years to read through MB. He is tired of me having all the answers & having advice for everything.

I don't know about aversions, but you are dead on about it affecting my health...the past 6 months my health has been deteriorating. And to top it off, I have no med insurance.

MB helped me in the past & I'm hoping it will benefit me again.

Then the marriage cannot be fixed.

Did you get to read all three of those articles?

http://www.aageorgia.org/find-a-meeting.html

There are 1100 meetings a week in the metro Atlanta area, but if you are somewhere else in the state, that link will help you find a meeting nearby.

Whoa Nellie !!!!!!

I have work experience in a chronic pain clinic.

RX narcotics are dangerous addictions.
Sometimes fatal.
This cannot be stressed enough.

You need to contact his healthcare providers and tell them your concerns that you KNOW for a fact H is taking too many.

If H stops suddenly, it could be very dangerous (depending on the product).

This is a very serious medical issue. Life & death.

Please, contact his providers. All of them.
Contact them AGAIN if you have more concerns and/or evidence of abuse.
Do not be shy. Pester them.

In case I was not clear....

Pester the health care RX prescribers. Often.
Give them facts.
Do not pester your H. Pointless.

I have read those links. The addictions my H has are different than alcoholism or drug addictions in that the behavior can't be totally stopped or avoided...gambling (and that isn't the most accurate word for it) is a frame of mind without $$, & he legitimately needs pain killers.

I have looked into alanon meetings, there's not a whole lot here (I'm not in Atlanta, I'm in Utah), & meetings aren't on the Internet, you have to call for info. I'm so deflated though, that I haven't put any effort into it. I'm feeling like in just along for the ride & have to just tolerate how things are.

On the other hand, it has been a good week. H has been making an effort to be involved at home & he's "off" right now. But often he'll make more of an effort when I'm more withdrawn. That makes me sad.

He has an appointment with his Dr (the one who prescribes his pain mess) to work on getting him off, or making a new plan. I think I should go with him, but I doubt that I will (not only will I be working, but ive also made it very clear that I'm not his "mommy" & its his responsibility) . After reading the above post though, I'm feeling guilty about that.

You said:

A long time ago I looked in to alanon or something like it, I couldn't find anything (I was going 16 yrs ago in another state). He also looked for GA awhile back & they are very inactive in this area.

That's why I thought you were in GA. If you're not willing to make a phone call to find a meeting, I don't know that you'll accomplish much here. You can call his doctor, too. Two easy little phone calls, Galinda.