Hello

This is my first post but I really would appreciate some advice! I've been married for 19 years and in October 2011 found out that my husband was having an affair with someone he was at school with and had made contact with via Facebook.

As I hadnt heard of Marriage Builders at the time, I asked my husband to leave when I found out about the affair (he had previously admitted to two other brief affairs 9 years ago which ended before I even knew about them.)

During the first weeks of our separation we talked a lot and agreed that we should go to marriage counselling - effectively this was a sort of Plan A though we were already living separately. However my husband continued to see the other woman who lives about an hour's drive from us. In the end after he left our home to go to her on Christmas Day (and lied about it), I wrote to him to say that I would not have further contact with him until we get an appointment for counselling. I have kept very strictly to this and have not even replied to his text messages.

My query is whether there is anything else I should be doing now? His mother is aware of the affair and seems to believe that our marriage is over so she is not really any help. I do want our marriage to work as we have 3 children aged between 7 and 17 but I want to feel that he is really willing to do the work necessary which at the moment he obviously isn't.

Part of me really wants to contact the OW - she herself is divorced as a result of her ex husbands affair. Also because the letter I wrote my husband was not a proper Plan B letter, I don't know if I should send another one.

Would be so grateful for any advice.

Hang in there, the troops will be around soon enough to be advising you.

First of all, I'm sorry that you're here.
Second, Have you read Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair?

As you're waiting for the experts to arrive, there is a LOT of great information on this site to read.

You can probably start here (basic concepts):
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

Also this thread might be a good read to keep you until the cavalry arrives:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240
(thread to help newly betrayed posters)

Hi jay,

Sorry you are here. How old are you both?

Who else have you exposed the affairs to?


CV

Hi

Thanks for the replies so far. I am 44 and my husband is 43. I told my husband's mother about the affair because he wouldn't (his father died a long time ago). Other than my own family and neighbours I didn't expose the affair to anyone else but I think my husband has told work colleagues.

As we are now separated I feel my husbands family almost think its ok that he's seeing another woman. I'm in the UK and the other woman lives about 50 miles away from me - her Facebook is blocked so I can't see any of her friends or family and don't know if they are aware that her new boyfriend is married with 3 children.

Hi Jay

Sorry you find yurself here but welcome to MB's.

Just wondering if you had a chance to secure child support and finances or some type of seperation agreement before you seperated?

Also it is the weekend and it tends to be slow with responses here so try and be paitient.

I bumped the thread to help the newly betrayed and it should be just below yours here. There are many links in there to other helpful threads and I suggest you read all you can in there.

Keep coming back with questions.

nESRE

Thank you Nesre

I will keep posting and reading. We separated very quickly which in hindsight I do regret but we have agreed child support and visits etc. We don't have a legal separation agreement as yet but I am wondering whether to progress to this now or whether I should begin divorce proceedings.

I just don't know what to do for the best - part of me feels that him having several affairs means we can't continue the marriage. The other part of me wants to make it work (I think its a case of head v heart here).

However I am very clear that I do not want to have contact with him or work on the marriage while he continues to see the OW.

Jay

Another good link to help have an understanding of MB's principles.

What is Plan A and Plan B

Also up at the top in the red banner is the Basic Concepts. This gives a quick overview of what this is all about.

Keep reading. Others with way more experience at this than I will be along to help also.

nESRE

If you are separated and he is actively pursuing OW then I think you should do a PROPER plan B. Follow the Marriage Builders Plan B program. He needs to understand what divorce will entail.
You need to exercise tough love; really tough.
I'm sorry, I have 3 kids and my wife is acting the same way as your husband.
Take care of yourself

Thank you HDW - sad that others are in the same position as me but somehow also comforting.

When you say I should do a proper plan B do you mean that I should now do the plan B letter? Because I have not had any contact at all with my husband for two weeks now.

Also, I really want to contact the OW to let her know that although we are separated, I want to work on our marriage. She is divorced herself because of her husbands adultery and has two children so I really cannot understand how she has allowed herself to be in this situation.

HDW you are correct that I need to exercise tough love - in the past I've always made excuses for my husbands behaviour but I don't want that kind of marriage anymore.

Contacting OW won't really accomplish much. I'd advise against it.

And did YOUR WH tell you OW's H was unfaithful or did you find out some other way?

The OWs usually spin their H's as awful and cruel people.

A very good point Karmarose - it was my WH who told me that the OW's H was unfaithful and is now with the woman he had an affair with.

My WH also said to me that he has told the OW that we have had an initial appointment for marriage counselling - its something that my WH wants to do as he described himself to me on Christmas Day as "broken". It was at that point on Christmas Day when he came around crying and wanting to talk to me that I decided to cut all contact with him. Because he left to go to the OW but told me he was going to his mothers house. At that stage I hadn't found this site but how I wish I had seen the information here years ago.

Yes I can believe that the OW made her husband out to be awful but I expect my WH did the same with me.

Of course.

I'd bet you have been painted as an awful wife who got pregnant to trap him and he never loved you, blah, blah....etc.

It is common practice and if you hear any of these things, ignore them.

Do you want to save your marriage?

First misake was to throw out the WH if you want to recover your marriage.

Why?

You can't plan A a WH if he's not living home. To take him back now without meeting conditions is bad becasue you will of not made him have any consequences for cheating.

Now if you want to save your marraige then read up on the articles here on MB not just the threads. You will need to learn how to do an exposure.

Do not warn your WH that you are going to expose. Threatening does not work but gives the guilty parties time to do damage control.

Lay out your plan then run it by us first. Expose letters/emails sent to OW parents, siblings, WH parents, siblings, your kids. If met at work expose there as well.

Can expose through FB. Best to copy paste FB friends contact info. Can only send one message per minute or FB will shut you down.

Hi Jay, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here. My suggestion would be to expose the affair wide and far. Especially to the OW's family members. They might not welcome your H if they know he is a married man who is abandoning 3 children. Exposure is ruinous to affairs because affairs thrive on secrecy. I would tell everyone, including your children. And when you tell people, ask them to contact the affairees to put pressure on them. Go read the link in my signature.

In the meantime, get the book Surviving an Affair as soon as you can and read it through. You can read the article about Plan A and Plan B on this website in the meantime. What are Plan A and Plan B?

Hi

I do want to save my marriage if I can as I have three children and love my WH. I also realise it was a mistake to ask him to leave but I was under a lot of pressure at the time because not only did I suspect him of having an affair but I was also dealing with my 17 year old daughters pregnancy.

I will not ever take him back unless he meets my conditions of no contact ever with other woman and marriage counselling.

I was not aware of marriage builders when this happened at the end of October otherwise believe me I would have done things differently. I have no access to my WH's Facebook and am blocked from the OW's so I don't know how I can expose to her parents etc. I only know her name and have a rough idea of where she lives (50 miles away from us). I have already exposed the affair to my WH's mother (his dad is dead) and his siblings and my children. The affair didn't start at work.

I consider myself in Plan B from Christmas - before that we did have an initial session at marriage guidance but then when my WH would not go to no contact with OW I wrote to him to say I would have no contact until we go to marriage guidance.

My query is that as I only discovered this site very recently what can I do now? For instance should I write a proper Plan B letter or should I maintain no contact?

I would sign in on facebook under someone else and get a copy of all her contacts. I would find out a way to get her family's names because this will be a critical exposure. Even if you have her name, you can search for other family members and get information from their lists.

You can't afford to skip this step, Jay. It is just too important of an opportunity to pass up. We have had parents who have killed affairs.

So, I would do that in addition to going into Plan B. Read this link about Plan B and send him the letter. It is real important to block all avenues of contact and to find an intermediary who will agree to pass on any pertinent information. I would also change the locks so he cannot barge in. Most WS' will try to get through once you send them the Plan B letter. He will do everything to test you to see if you are serious. How to Plan B

Have they applied pressure on him to stop his affair? Will his mother call the OW and let her know she will not be welcome in the family?

Plan B letter from Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

Send a copy to the OW with a note on it: ["skankyhola" was my addition ]
Pg 81
Dear Skankyhola, I love WS with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me that chance.

Thank you so much for your advice Melody Lane and I will do further exposure and send the Plan B letter.

My mother in law has not put pressure on WH or met/contacted the OH as far as I'm aware -she seems to just accept that the marriage is over but said I will always be her daughter in law no matter what happens. So I will phone her and ask if she will help me as I try to save my marriage.

Again many thanks to everyone that has replied.

Jay, that would be great! Mothers can have so much influence on their kids, no matter how old they are. If your MIL would put pressure on your H AND call the OW it would help so much. She should call the OW and tell her she will never be allowed to darken her doorstep. That will shake up the affair enormously. Any pressure she can put on them will help.