AFFAIR #1
AFFAIR #2
Since you have had TWO affairs with co-workers, I would also make damn sure you don't work with men again. Your H is not safe unless that hole is plugged.

EPs - Extraordinary Precautions. We have a thread that defines the most common abbreviations. Here you go: Here

Is is fair to ask my husband to set up extraordinary precautions as well? While I am the one who cheated his is also very flirty and has tried to make me jealous in the past with his flirting. He has also told me a number of lies in the past that have broken my trust in him. While I am almost positive he has never cheated on me, even after two affairs I have doubt in him. I dont know if this is because of my own guilt or not. What can I do about this issue?

Fair? Sure. Wise? No.

He's not at all certain he wants this marriage.

Perhaps you ought to concentrate your efforts on YOUR side of the street?

You can deal with his precautions later .... when he's decided you are safe for him to remain married to.

Sheesh !

Did your H catch you, or were you caught by someone else and then your A subsequently disclosed to your H?



So, your H was unaware of the second A until someone else disclosed it to him?

Yes, I'm going somewhere with these questions. I was twice betrayed myself.

His flirting did not destroy your marriage and your children's family. YOUR AFFAIRS DID. Your actions have destroyed the lives of 4 people. And you want to talk about his faults? Are you kidding? If you want to save your marriage, you need to concern yourself with the immediate damage and stop focusing on his minor faults.

Wait until the bleeding stops. See, your knifing victim may not have been perfect - none of us are - but it might be helpful to wait until he stops bleeding out from the brutal knifing you just inflicted on him. His flirting is something that has to be addressed IF YOU EVER GET HIM BACK. But that won't be an issue if you don't get him back.

You do understand you don't have any leverage right now, right?

When someone is truly remorseful for the bad things they have done, they don't tend to CITE the wrongdoings of their victims.

Put more simply, true remorse is taking accountability for one's OWN crimes, not keeping score on OTHERS. Stop taking your H's inventory and take your own. Doing the former WILL NOT attract him back. It will tell him that you are not really sorry.

When I see a wayward cite the wrongdoing of others it makes me question their sincerity.

Or, their common sense.

What say you, fifteen years?

Fifteenyears,
I have been married for 10 years this March.
We have 3 children; my wife had an affair....
She started going to counseling to address her own issues, and asked me to go to counseling to address mine....
My wife thinks that therapy is the answer. She even agreed to see a Christian Marriage Counselor; but so far she hates the idea of following the recovery plan outlined in book Surviving an Affair.
So, I see all of her actions as meaningless; and I filed for divorce to protect myself from her. I decided that I could no longer deal with the pain she causes by her hurtful actions.

when I watch movies or tv, and if there is a sex or adultery scene I have images appear in my mind of my wife and her affair partner having sex.
I have had bad dreams of my wife lying to me and leaving our family.
I think about the 3 children we had together, I helped deliver all of them....I wiped my wifes bottom when she was unable to ...her body was special to me, something another man shouldn't have his hands all over. It breaks my heart that my wife just gave her body to him...
I have had difficulty concentrating on day to day tasks, my small business has fed clothed and housed our family for 6 years, and I'm about to go bankrupt because I was an emotional wreck for 3 months.
I was a marathon runner, I ran a half marathon nearly every weekend...for the past 4 months I have difficulty sleeping, I rely on sleeping pills and anti anxiety prescriptions to help me function...
Sometimes I wonder exactly what my wife did with this man, but I would rather not know the details; I can't emotionally handle the details.

I mention the above so you can understand maybe some of the things your husband is going through. Affairs are deal breakers.

A few of your sentences are....flawed. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and not call them disingenuous and self-servingly deceitful, and I've taken the liberty of editing your statement for veracity:

...even after because of my two affairs I have doubt in him. I don't know if this is because of my own guilt or not.

Now, isn't that better?

Me to my FWW of 15 years upon discovery of her long term affair: "I will forgive you and work to make us better, but know this, if you do it again you're out."

I have to believe she believes me when I said that.

You may not have any conception of the destruction you caused because your first tryst was simply swept under the rug.

I congratulate your husband who kept strong during the holidays so not to ruin them despite he being dead internally.

You have some real work here.

Unfortunately you have put you and your husband at risk for STD's. At the very least the both of you should be tested. These are just some of the consequences of affairs. You were given the gift of forgiveness the first time. Surely you must have realized that a second emotional and physical affair would probably end your marriage so why did you risk it?

HDW,

Your story sounds so much like my husbands and it breaks my heart to know your pain and how similar it is to my husbands. All I want is for him to be happy again and it kills me that I am the cause of his pain. It kills me to see your pain and how it is destroying you. I am so sorry. I know those words don't mean much but they are sincere.

Everyone else,
It has been very difficult to read a number of the threads on this post. A lot of you have questioned my sincerity and desire to truly change as a person and for my family.

Though it has been hard, I have taken everything good and bad to heart that has been posted on this site. I was and am wrong to point out my husbands wrongdoings because no matter what they are they will never be as bad as what I did. The pain and guilt that I am feeling right now is only a fraction of what my husband is feeling.

I do realize this and want more than anything to change. Even if I lose him, for his future and the future of our kids, I know that I have to change!! Please don't mistake my honesty for not truly being sorry. Please do not think that I am not going to do everything within my power and the Recovery Plan to make things right.

Wrong.

What he NEEDS is to feel safe and protected.

What you "want" is of no importance.

15Y - think about the difference between a need and a want.

You "need" to come up with a plan.
All this 'feelings talk' is getting you nowhere.

I suggested you contact the Harley's for an appointment.
Why don't you do that?
You cannot wish/want/desire/hope this better.

You NEED a plan.

Scheduling an appointment *** LINK ***

fifteenyears, that is all we need to hear. It is helpful that you are so honest with us so we can tell you how your thinking is perceived. If we see it that way, it is very likely your husband does too.

I would pay extra special attention to Neverguessed's post because I believe he expressed what your H is feeling. Your H does not see a real solution here. There is no PLAN to protect him from another affair. He sees you saying you don't know why it happened and sees you going to therapy. He sees no solution in sight so he has given up. As he should.

My suggestion to you would be to write him a letter and let us help you with it. The letter should tell him WHY you had the affairs [poor boundaries] and what you intend on doing to prevent a repeat affair. Tell him you will do everything to protect him in the future. In the letter, I would express your understanding of how devastating your affairs have been to him and that you know now that it takes 2 years to recover.

If you show empathy for his pain and an understanding of what really happened, along with an ACTION plan for recovery, I think he might reconsider. But he needs to see ACTIONS, not words.

"make things right"....define what you mean by "right".

Very often wayward spouses have such the sense of entitlement that they think they get to define what's "right" and what's wrong. Perhaps a part of overcoming that (as you "CHANGE") is accepting that what's "right" might just be accepting that your husband is divorcing you, being gracious about such decision, agreeing to very favorable terms in as fast a divorce as he wants and giving him a wide birth (space from you) if that's what he wants. I hope it won't come to that and you and he can work MB and recover your marriage...but it's not necessarily the "right" thing for your husband.

Remember too...statistically, a significant of amount of divorces are called off at the very last minute before the divorce decree is signed (so you can't waver until the actual end). Also a fair amount of divorcees end up remarrying their spouse (even when it's over...couples and families find a way to bring it back together and feel a NEW relationship and marriage is the path to recovery). If you truly change anything is possible. How big is your God?


To many a second affair is a pretty good indication that you're a serial cheater. Judging by your actions (which is the only way anyone can really assess someone's character) the "Once a [serial] cheater...always a [serial] cheater" seems to fit. However, personally...I might cut you a break on what you did as a 19 year old married woman and pretty much count this as your first adult infidelity. Heck, I didn't get married until I was 30 and the stupid stuff I did when I was 18-30 I'm glad no one is holding against me today. I'm not excusing it...just trying to give a little perspective. You're about 35 with several children looking to you for moral guidance. Whether you recover your marriage or not...this readiness to "CHANGE" you speak of (again your actions are what are more important) can and will be quite achievable and valuable to you and them no matter the outcome. REPENTANCE = CHANGE and repentance is a gift from God that will benefit you and yours for years to come and hopefully it will be enough to impress your husband to give you another chance.

Mr. Wondering

Hi 15years. Glad you started your own thread to get some help.

Have you offered your husband your cell phone, your email, your passwords ? Have you asked him what he needs to feel safe enough to even give this a try ????

Have you listened to him without saying, "Yes, but you...." ? Have you told him every day, many times a day that you are sorry ?

Find out what will make him feel safe and then DO those things. And if he adds more things to his safe list, then DO those things too.

I do realize this and want more than anything to change.

I'm not sure you understand what "anything" involves, but taking you at your word, let's get to work.

1 - Research this site and find a copy of a "No Contact" letter. You should personalize it with your names, etc, and hand-write it. In summary it says, "POSOM, I was wrong to engage in an affair with you. I will be spending every effort to repair what I did to my family. Do not ever again contact me by phone, e-mail, Facebook, or in person." Give the handwritten copy to your BH, with an addressed envelope, and ask him to read it, seal it, and mail it.

2 - Quit your job. Today.

3 - Make an appointment to get tested for STD's.

4 - Expose your own infidelity to your family, your in-laws, all your friends and acquaintances, your clergy, etc. Explain what you did, and enlist their support in helping you maintain the barriers you will be setting up to ensure it never happens again.

These tasks should keep you busy for the next two days. Post here on your progress, and LISTEN to the veterans here, without question.