I am new to posting but have been lurking for the last month and need advice. Sorry for so long. My WH and I have been married 1 � years when the PA affair started, no kids. Our marriage was doing really well, I thought we were very close, we don�t really fight and he even said there was no good reason for it. He just thought we were missing passion and instead of talking to me he confided in OW from PA.

Timeline:
Mid � October, I found out my husband was having an EA with someone he met on FB that he went to HS with. They were sexting so I asked him to stop he did since I was watching the cell phone records at this point.

November 6th, I noticed he moved this to FB but continued the EA (she was in an unhappy relationship and has since asked her spouse of 22 years to move out). I asked him to stop contacting her in every way he said he would. A week later I noticed she was still posting to his FB and him to hers. I asked him to remove her as a friend he did but I now know they continued contact after this.

November 20th, I found out WH had a 6 month PA affair with his best friend�s wife (different woman then EA). He came clean about the affair, after I confronted him with proof and he said it was over. He was very remorseful and agreed to get rid of FB and stop texting. We also agreed no female friends. There was a 3rd female he was texting inappropriate sexual comments to but she, from what I saw, never responded back sexually. She did however know about the PA affair because she was friends with OW and her and my WH texted often and FB chatted all the time. He said she was just a friend to talk to because he felt guilty about the PA.

I met with the OWH and exposed the affair and that stopped all contact with her. Recovery seemed to be going well and he was saying and doing the right things but I continued to check up on him.

On December 17th I found out my WH opened a 2nd FB account under an alias and contacted the OW he was having an EA with and the 3rd female who was the friend of the OW he was having the PA with. The friend did not respond to him but the OW from the EA accepted him as friends. I could not see the chats but he says she accepted him but they didn�t really talk so it didn�t matter. With this discovery he gave me all his passwords to the computer, email and shut down the 2nd FB account. He also said he sent a NC letter to OW from EA. I then told him if I saw him having any contact with any of the 3 woman again I would leave him and divorce him for good.

Recovery again seems to be going well he is saying all the right things we did the EN needs questionnaire and everything is going good. I have ordered SAA and am waiting for it to come in. We can�t afford counseling since I was laid off in August and currently looking for work

On December 29th OW from EA texted him hey baby it�s me, here�s my new number. He said he didn�t know who it was and hadn�t been in touch with her since the NC letter on the 17th. He didn�t know why she contacted him out of the blue. He responded with a text asking her to stop contacting him. On Jan 5th I confirmed the text was from the OW (via online cell report) and texted her myself telling her to stop contacting my husband. No more texts have come in but I just am not convinced that he isn�t still talking to her on yet another FB account. He hasn�t been out of my site since Dec 31st but he is computer tech and fixes customer computers so he has plenty of access to online that I can�t watch.

Any advice would be nice on what to do next to build the trust. There was a 3rd text he sent (that I didn�t see) when I asked him he said the person responded with sorry wrong number and his response and the 3rd text was that�s OK. I can�t help but think it was a 3rd text with a new email or FB account that I don�t know about.

Quietly install a key logger on the home computer.

Hi daisyluv,

Sorry you are here, but welcome to MB. It could very well be that your H has gone underground with the affair.

If my math is right, 3 affairs in 2 years? It may be you have a budding serial cheater on your hands. It will be difficult to recover with a serial cheater, but there are folks here who have done it. You will have to make some very big changes (both of you) in order to successfully recover.

Others will be along to assist you shortly, in the meantime, who all have you exposed his affairs to?

CV

Hi Daisy, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would install a keylogger on his computer and also have him change his cell phone number so they can't text him. OR exchange cell phones with him. That will block that path.

For a marriage that has had 3 affairs in 1.5 years I don't have much hope. I will just be honest and say that you might be better off getting divorced. And you certainly should not have kids with him until he is straight for about 5 years.

I would call up your families and tell them all about his affairs. The more people that know what he did, the more people to hold him accountable.

Also, I would make one of the conditions that he eliminate ALL opposite sex friendships.

I have been questioning if it is worth working on. When we first met we were both very adamant no cheating. We both had ex's (never married but long term we lived with) that cheated on us and we said we would never do that to each other and discussed how much they hurt us. The first 3 years dating 1 1/2 year married (so 4 1/2 years) were great. He treated me like a queen, we did everything together, we talk all the time and it was great for both of us. We didn't fight it was amazing. I just can't understand how he changed so much in the last year.

He keeps telling me how hard it was on him to have the PA but if it was so hard why move on to the other EA affairs because both stared in August and Sept when the PA started in March.

We have eliminated all opposite sex friendships. We can not change his cell number. He owns his own business (onsite computer repair) and that is the number all his customers have and that is printed on the flyers and business cards.

We haven't exposed the affair to anyone but my sister and her husband who now want nothing to do with him and want me to divorce him and the OWH from the PA.

The OW from the EA is in an unhappy relationship and I am not sure that her family and friends would care. Her entire FB was dedicated to trashing her current H and how she wants to kill herself. Could be coincidence but her FB page which was previously open to all was locked down so no one could see it or her friends or ask to be a friends on the 17th of Dec. the day I confronted my WH about the alias FB page (I was watching her new friends and saw she accepted a friend request from what I thought was my WH) it was.

I would have him call his parents and you tell them together. You should also tell your parents so you have their support.

Did you live together before you were married?

Yes we have lived together 4 of the 5 years.

I am concerned about telling the families. When I left my ex-bf for constantly cheating on me my mom was upset and told me when I grow up I will learn that there are just some things you look the other way for.

Now that I am married if it continues I will leave the WH but I don't expect much support from my family. Marriage in there mind is forever and they have been unhappily married since I can remember.

His mom would be very upset but my WH doesn't want her to find out.

It would probably be a good idea if he told her. The more people who know, the more people to hold him accountable. And I agree she will be upset. I would be upset too. But I would hold my son accountable.

I suspected you did live together because your husband has a very unique renter's mentality that comes from living together. When newly married couples have trouble this soon, this is almost always the reason why. He believes he is entitled to look elsewhere when his feelings ebb. Renters believe that you might be right for me today but wrong for me tomorrow, based on my feelings.

Couples that live together before marriage have an astronomical divorce rate becuase of the poor habits picked up while living together. This is part of the dynamic that is at play here: Living Together Before Marriage: Compatibility Test or Curse?

From Harley's book, Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders:

Freeloader is unwilling to put much effort into the care of his or her partner in a romantic relationship. He or she does only what comes naturally and expects only what comes naturally. It's like a person who tries to live in a house without paying rent or doing anything to improve it unless the person is in the mood to do so.

Renter is willing to provide limited care as long as it's in his or her best interest. The romantic relationship is considered tentative, so the care is viewed as short-term. It's like a person who rents a house and is willing to stay as long as the conditions seem fair, or until he or she finds something better. The person is willing to pay reasonable rent and keep the house clean but is not willing to make repairs or improvements. It's the landlord's job to keep the place attractive enough for the renter to stay and continue paying rent.

Buyer is willing to demonstrate an extraordinary sense of care by making permanent changes in his or her own behavior and lifestyle to make the romantic relationship mutually fulfilling. Solutions to problems are long-term solutions and must work well for both partners because the romantic relationship is viewed as exclusive and permanent. It's like a person who buys a house for life with a willingness to make repairs that accomodate changing needs, painting the walls, installing new carpet, replacing the roof, and even doing some remodeling so that it can be comfortable and useful.

Renters believe Our relationship is temporary. You may be right for me today and wrong for me tomorrow.

Buyers believe We are together for life.

Renters believe Our relationship should be fair. What I get should balance what I give.

Buyers believe We both contribute whatever it takes to make our relationship successful.

Renters believe As needs change, the relationship may end if needs are difficult to meet.

Buyers believe As needs change, we will make adjustments to meet new needs.

Renters believe Criticism may prompt me to change if it's worthwhile for me to do so.

Buyers believe Criticism indicates a need for change.

Renters believe Sacrifice is reasonable as long as it's fair.

Buyers believe Sacrifice is dangerous and to be avoided.

Renters believe Short-term fixes are fine.

Buyers believe long-term solutions are necessary.

This is how people who live together think. When the house they live in is no longer satisfying, instead of fixing the house to make it satisfying, they look for other digs. It is a renter's mentality.

If you think he is still cheating you should ask him to take a polygraph test. That is a very reasonable request which he should be willing to accomodate.