I have been on the marriage builders website all weekend and decided to give the forum a shot. To tell you a little bit about myself, my husband and I have been married for almost 15 years and together for 17 years. We married shortly after I graduated high school because I got pregnant with our son. When I was 19 and my son was a year old, I had an affair with someone I worked with.

I quickly got caught and immediately felt remorse and vowed to never do it again. My

husband and I quickly recovered and moved on, almost as if it did not happen. He said he forgave me and I actually think the affair helped strengthen our love.

I did however feel that my husband continued to hold it over my head and questioned if he truly forgave me. Fast forward 13 years and another child later and we had built a marriage in which I had been affair free and happy.

Then last year I started working with another male teacher. At first there was nothing but a friendship. He was married, I was married and we actually knew each others spouses. Something however changed at the end of last year. Talking turned to flirting, flirting turned to feelings and I think we all know how this ends.

He ended up confessing to his wife and she told my husband. I was in utter shock for so many reasons. I did not now how I felt, I did not know why I did what I did, my husband hated me, my children were ashamed of me. My husband immediately kicked me out and told me that if I even contacted the other man that he would never even consider giving us another chance. My children also threatened to never see me again. This was enough to scare me and I have not had any contact with the other man.

I did go through a grieving period but felt extremely selfish and guilty. I did not know at this time that this was natural. All of this happened right before Thanksgiving and Christmas. About a week after the incident my husband agreed to go to therapy with me. We really started communicating and I tried to be completely honest with him about everything. We were doing and sharing emotions we hadn't in a long time. A couple weeks before Christmas he asked me to move back in.

We even went on a family trip together right after Christmas. I have continued to look at who I am and really try to improve myself and my marriage. This story however, does not have a happy ending...yet.

The night we got back from our trip my husband sat me down and told me he was moving out. He said that he was just putting up a front for our kids during Christmas and it was over. He was very firm and seemed cold and unwilling to compromise. In shock and confused about all of the breakthroughs and progress we had made, I did not understand and still do not. This was a week ago.

While my husband did tell me that he just needed his space and time to think, I am crushed and so are my children. He no longer wants to go to therapy, in which we just started to really make progress in. I am just so confused!!! I have completely ended my affair. The other teacher was moved to another school. I am totally remorseful, and have taken complete responsibility for my actions but none of this is enough for my husband. He says he can't get over the fact that I have now done this twice and he can't get past the pain and memory of the affair.

I know however that the last 8 weeks we have shared were not a sham. I just don't understand how all of the sudden he wants to give up. I still love him and I know he still loves me. I just don't know what to do and where to go from here.

Hi fifteenyears, welcome to Marriage Builders! Can you do us a favor and break that down into paragraphs? It is extremely hard to read like that. thanks!

The basic problem is that he has no reason to believe that this won't happen again. The first affair was swept under the rug [you even state it was good for your marriage ] and now nothing is really being done to address your issues. The problem is that you have inappropriate boundaries with men. Where has that been addressed here? What will protect him from another affair?

See, your remorse is not enough. It was not enough to stop a 2nd affair and it won't be enough to prevent a 3rd affair. He is not safe with you until you take steps to eliminate the conditions that led to the affair.

It takes about 2 years to get over most affairs and sometimes the resentment of 2nd affair is just TOO MUCH to get over. His emotions are telling him this is too much. And his emotions might be right.

What steps did you take to EARN his forgiveness? It sounds to me like this was just swept under the rug.

I would read this article. This might help you understand what the real problem is and how to earn your husband's forgiveness:

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

For the first affair, not a lot was done therapy wise but I did everything to earn my husbands trust again. I did not go out without him. I got rid of friends who were bad influences. I tried to show him how much I loved him. I quit my job. I was totally and completely honest with him about everything I did. I took edge precaution not to flirt or put myself in a tempting position with another man. I never however dealt completely with the reason why I cheated in the first place.
And for 13 years I was faithful and happy. The second affair really caught me off guard and by surprise. Before I even realized it I was emotionally and physically involved with someone else.

You said that he will not feel safe until I have taken the steps to elliminate the reason for the affair. What are these steps? I am going to therapy and dealing with my issues like having boundries with men. I have been writing letters and poetry to my husband, I am readings How To Survive and Affair. I have been on this website all weekend trying to find ways to better my marriage, myself, my huband. I'm not sure what else to do. Are you suggesting that I give up on my marriage? Just let him give up?

Yet here is what you told us in your first post:


So no, nothing changed. You had this affair because of your inappropriate boundaries with men. You allowed another man to meet your needs. TWICE. You have done this to your husband TWICE.


First off, I would put off therapy, because it is a distraction frm the real problem. Instead focus on ways to make your husband feel safe. There is nothing here that would assure him he is safe. I would honestly examine the conditions that led to this affair [ie: flirting, allowing men to meet your needs, etc] and acknowledge this to your husband. Tell him your plan to make sure it never happens again.

Some waywards make up a list of extraordinary precautions and present that, along with a PLAN for recovery to their spouse. EP's protect the spouse from a repeat affair. That is where I would start.

Your heart is in the right place, fifteenyears, the only thing missing is a PLAN to protect him from a repeat. And I am sure he is completely discouraged by the fact that you are going to therapy instead of fixing your marriage. I think he might change his mind if he sees a viable plan.

Have you answered all of your husband's questions about the affair? Does he feel like he has the full truth?

MelodyLane,

You are really asking me some tough questions but I appreciate them because these are things I have not truly thought of. I honestly though therapy was a way to deal with at least some of the issues of the affair.

I have been trying to answer all of his questions very openly and honestly. I have been trying to figure out exactly why I let another man fill my emotional needs more than once. I have expressed these thoughts with my husband as well.
What I have not done is actually write down what I am going to go to make sure this never happens again. I am going to do that right away.

Can you answer another question for me? What is with all of the shortened lingo on this forum ex: EP's for Emotional Priorities. I get that one but I can't figure them all out and haven't found anywhere on this forum to explain. This is my first time ever on a public forum so I am still trying to figure out the tricks.

Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in infidelity and here is what he says:


In other words, we know why you have affairs. You probably have friendships with men [a big no no for a married person] and have inappropriate boundaries with them. You told us in your first post this very thing. You flirted with this man, which is a form of courting, and you allowed him to meet your needs. So 2 of the conditions that led to this affair are: 1. opposite sex friendships and 2. flirting with men.

Those are 2 conditions that you put on your "EP" list. [extraordinary precautions]


And this is what has scared him off, I assure you. We don't need to know WHY, we just need to know you will STOP IT. If I were him, and you told me this and were off going to therapy, I would give up too. He just needs to see a real action plan. And I would lose the therapy. That is just a distraction at a time when you need to focus on your marriage.


Good girl! We will help you with this. I will post a list of EPs and you can use that as a template.

Another thing you can do on your own is to tell your families the truth. If that has not been done, it will go a very long way in assuring him you are truly remorseful about the affair.

Also, there are some things you said in the first post that would send most betrayed spouses running. I am going to point them so you don't say them to your husband again.

1. "My husband and I quickly recovered and moved on, almost as if it did not happen. He said he forgave me and I actually think the affair helped strengthen our love." <----don't tell him that an affair "strengthened your love." An affair is a HUGE LOVEBUSTER and only erodes love. Your love was strengthened IN SPITE OF THE AFFAIR. When a BS hears comments like that they believe the WS thinks the affair is a good thing

2. the issue of forgiveness. Make sure you understand that forgiveness is not an entitlement. It has to be earned. The reason your husband did not forgive you before is because you didn't earn it. He needs to know you will do what it takes to EARN IT and that you know it is not an entitlement.

3. the trauma of the affair will not go away overnight. Even under the best of circumstances, it will take about 2 years. So you will have to be patient with him and show compassion for the trauma that has been inflicted upon him.

ep=extraordinary precautions
ww=wayward wife
WH=wayward husband
mb marriage builders
DD= darling daughter
DS= darling son
ap= affair partner
om=other man
ow= other woman

It's list shorthand so we can type faster.

CV

The second affair really caught me off guard and by surprise.

Wow, something new in the world of adultery!

"Off guard" and "surprise" can be terms used to describe skidding on ice while driving, or stumbling over a child's toy. Thay cannot be applied to DECIDING to remove one's clothing, and point one's heels at the ceiling while POSOM enjoys what was intended to be solely the rights of your husband....FOR THE SECOND TIME!!!!

There is NO reason for your BH to believe:

• you have any idea of the extent of your betrayal
• you are "sorry" about anything beside being caught
• there is any chance you won't be "surprised" a third time in the future.

You have massive amounts of self-repair to do before even considering asking BH to work with you to repair your marriage. The tools to start the necessary work ON YOU are on this site. Get to work!

You can consider this a very good representation of what your husband feels so I would read this very carefully. He has no reason to believe you won't be "surprised" again. And then his life is destroyed .................again. But it wont' be a "surprise" to him if it happens again, so he is just protecting himself.

[video:youtube][/video]

Infidelity: What every couple should know.


What every MB forum poster should watch.

Here is an example of some extraordinary precautions that might fit your situation. These are things you should do voluntarily to make sure you don't have another affair. This is the kind of stuff your H needs to see, an ACTION PLAN.

A) Change cell phone number and give password & account access to your spouse.
B) Change email account.
C) Eliminate all social networking accounts (i.e., Face book, Classmates, My Space, etc.)
D) Elininate all opposite sex friendships - NEVER be alone with a member of the opposite sex
E) Never go out in the evenings without my spouse
F) List out passwords for all business and personal computer logins, and any other passwords my spouse does not have access to.
G) Give my spouse access to any banking/financial accounts, business and personal.
H) Install software that tracks all internet use, giving my spouse administrative access.
J) I will contact an attorney that will work on my spouse�s behalf and write a post-nuptial agreement.
K) Offer to move out and allow my H to move in, since I am the reason he is losing the right to live with his own kids
L) Confess my affair to our families and make sure they don't blame him for the state of our marriage.
M) Never flirt with men, have personal discussions, and never go out alone, even for business lunches

Fantastic!
This was GREAT

Your only hope at redemption was to get caught.

Your husband loves you.
That's the problem.
He does not know how to reconcile his love for you with your second betrayal.

Right now, you don't know how or why you had your SECOND adultery.

Best advice this side of the Rockies:

Call for an appointment with the Harleys.
You're a 2 time 2 timer .... you need the actual professional advice from the BIG GUNS.

He does not know who you are.
The wife he thought he had does not exist.
He realizes he is married to a woman who is willing to cause him immense pain ... twice!

You have no idea the damage you've done.
Watch that 30 minute video I posted.

Fifteen, good to see you posting on your own thread! Welcome to Marriage Builders! Listen closely to MelodyLane and the other posters here - they will give you advice you should not ignore. You can't know this, but some of our best posters are here and are advising you - this is rare on the weekend. Don't take their words for granted.

We have another poster on this site right now who is trying her darnedest to avoid responsibility for her affair. It's refreshing to see that you are willing to listen.

Stay with us. You've come to the right place.