I have read all the amazing things on MB and I understand that if a marriage would work, both partners need to cooperate and try to get past the problems. But what do you do when you're the only one who wants to try? He acknowledges we have a lot of problems but refuses to do anything about it, so it is useless to try any of the methods on MB. He is incredibly difficult to talk with when he doesn't want to, and mostly he doesn't, at least nothing to do with 'us', he finds it stressing. Any suggestions?

One person cannot fix a marriage.

When to call it quits

But one person can "sell" the progamme to other spouse so that he could see the benefits of this programme. By practising MB you are showing him what's in there for him. Stopping LB's and meeting EN's would be a good start and worth trying.

What kind of problems do you have? Have your spouse or you had an affair?

How long married? Any kids? What are his problems with the marriage?

Thanks for the replies! We've been engaged for about a year but thinking about postponing it/calling it off for a while. We argue a lot, but mainly he struggles with depression and doesn't accept any help. I've told him he should seek professional help and that it's ok to be depressed sometimes but he sees it like the end of the world and nothing I say gets through to him, which makes our relationship not be a priority. I don't know how to help him or make him WANT to fix us. I cannot work by myself on it if he doesn't cooperate:( But I can try.

Oh! You're not married? Lollita, I would suggest you consider ending your engagement and separating from him. If he is doing this now it will expand by tenfold after the wedding.

Are you living together? Do you have children?

No children and living together for 2 years. I know the smart thing to do is leave but I love him and I feel like I should be there for him in this rough time he is going through. If I was depressed I would like him to be there for me until it passes. Do any of you struggle with depressed spouses?

Lollita, I think it's very compassionate of you to want to be there for him. But if he won't help himself and is negative about your relationship, your efforts will likely be like trying to help a drowning swimmer - he may take you down with him.

You can help him forever, but if he won't help himself I think your efforts will be in vain.

Has he had a physical examination? Has he been diagnosed with depression by a doctor?

So don't talk, do.

Stereotypically speaking, talk is cheap to guys. You want to show him the program works, the don't sit around and talk about it. Do it, do the MB program.

If you are waiting for him to get excited about talking about everything you think is wrong (about him) it's going to be a long wait.

As others have said, since you are engaged, now is the time to decide if this is the type of marriage you want or not. If not, stop wasting each others time and move one.

I know, easier said than done.

I would date other people to find a more suitable match. Dating is a job interview for marriage and when the candidate is not even interested in the job, it is time to recruit better candidates. You should marry the one who does the BEST JOB of meeting your needs. Your BF has flunked that test. Just keep dating until you find a candidate who does the BEST job of meeting your needs.

Watch the movie fireproof, You can start but he will have to meet you half way at some point, maybe give yourself a time line if no improvement then cut your losses, communication and listening and filling each others needs the way you need them to be filled is key, not just want you think is the right way.......you need to figure out what he needs and how he needs that, try and he should respond..
Maybe he just doesn't know what to do or how to do, maybe you could learn together............If he sees you and feels what you do for him, he may connect the dots........good luck
jessi

Just wanted to point out that they are not married yet. When you are test driving the car and the engine blows, the rational response is to not buy the car. Move onto a better working car.

The purpose of dating is to find the best possible marriage match. It is not intended to be fix it shop for bad candidates. If a candidate is not suitable, a better candidate should be sought out.

Dr Harley recommends dating ALOT of people [30ish] and marrying the one who does the best job of meeting your needs. If you are busy propping up an unsuitable candidate, then you are missing out on more suitable candidates.

His depression is not the problem.
His refusal to get help is the problem.

Your thread title says everything about you:


Seriously?
You cannot make him do anything.
You can respectfully ask him to get healthy.
But, you cannot make him.

The fact is, according to you, he does not choose to be healthy.
His untreated depression is his choice.
He has defined himself.
"I am depressed and there is nothing to do about it."

His choice to remain depressed is more important to him than you.

You also said:


Consider this. As long as you are there to 'help' him, he is free to remain stuck in the mire of his beloved depression. He has no motivation to change because when things need to get done, he can rely on you.
He has absolved himself of the responsibility for managing the minutia of his life.
He has his caretaker. That's you.

Let him crash. Let him rise.

You cannot make him cope.
He is coping by keeping you around to do the coping for him.

I am not saying he is a bad guy. Please, don't get me wrong.
I am explaining human nature to you.

Anything you say to educate him, enlighten him, will be useless.
He's not going to change because there is no need for him to change.

Move away.
See what happens.
Chances are, your boyfriend will find another girl similar to you who finds a broken man and thinks she has the 'power' to fix him against his will.
Then, he can remain depressed and not take responsibility for his own life conditions.

Does he use any substance to "relax" or "have fun"?