Hi all... <P>Lori, here's my update I promised. Things are better. H is showing regard for my feelings by not staying out long after work, despite our opposite work schedules and sleep patterns. We're going to counseling weekly. This is helping our communication. We only had one fast and bitter argument, last weekend...the kind that blew up with all sorts of resentments...but we were on our way to pick up son from H's ex, and *I* was the actually the one to suggest halting the argument. As we traveled back talking with son, the bad feelings dissipated and we did not continue the argument once home. (The resentments are probably still on the shelf and could drop again during the next argument, but I still view it as progress.)<P>I have seen some more bonding between H and my daughters. This fulfills a BIG emotional requirement for me. The 15 year old is relatively easygoing compared to the 10 year old, so he and teenage daughter are doing pretty well. The 10 year old...there are resentments there. She feels in competition with H's 9 year old son, and misses her own daddy--sometimes punishing H in her own little ways because of that, I think. I will still hope for H and especially 10 year old to find more activities to share. She complains that H pays more attention to son by playing video games and passing the football/wrestling with him, and that she feels his disciplinary side more than positives. Perhaps they simply haven't found their rhythm yet. I see him trying.<P>We went to see The Story of Us last week (highly recommend it). That was nice. H went for me. This week, we're going to see a rock concert...for him. <P>H also took me to the strip club last week, on one of his off-work nights. For me. I really appreciated that. When he's behind the bar, I don't feel real comfortable just sitting on a barstool by myself...so I rarely go. He introduced me to some of the people I hadn't met. <P>Female intuition portion: While at the club, the DJ's girlfriend who waitresses at the club came up to us, exclaiming happily at seeing H. I hadn't met her before but H mentions her occasionally in work stories. She hugged him, touched his head (hey, nobody EVER touches his hair except for me and sometimes guy friends in jest--he has gorgeous long hair), then turned into a kind of side-hug with one hand hooked on his shoulder, saying "and this must be your wife." H introduced us, and she said "oh I just LOVE [H], he's so great...do you take care of him? you should take care of him." Did I want to right-hook her across the bar? Yep. But I didn't. I just said "yes" with a frozen smile and held myself in check. <P>H asked me several times to tell him how I felt, and I finally told him that I would never have gone up to a male co-worker with his wife there, never having met HER before and had physical contact with the man, THEN asked the wife if she took care of him! Said I was done with her! H talked about it with me but it finally had to be side-shelved; I didn't feel better about it, and old resentments and worries of his started resurfacing (feeling henpecked or embarrassed in front of co-workers, esp. guys). He did admit that my behavior at the club did not cause that feeling of alarm from the past. At one point, he told me he didn't think the girl meant anything by it...which of course, didn't make me feel any better. Felt more like he was saying my feelings were wrong, and what she did was okay. <P>I asked him curiously if she had hugged him before. He said no. <P>Yes, probably a mountain out of a molehill. My intuition, however, tells me strongly that she is attracted to him. H reported a couple of days later that she asked him if I was mad at her, that she'd thought about it and maybe she hadn't given me a great first impression. H told her no, no...I just didn't come up to the club often, more or less that I was shy from not knowing anyone. Moi? Shy? But ANYway...I asked him if the opportunity presented itself and in his own words, to explain to her that his wife didn't appreciate being confronted with a girl hanging on her H and then asked if I took care of him. He said he would. I doubt that will occur simply because timing-wise, it's over. <P>He also mentioned later that after work last week, she expressed worry that H was upset with her...he'd sounded sharp a couple of times when she'd messed up and it was real busy. He assured her everything was fine, work was over, don't worry about it. Now you tell me...is this sounding like more interest than a waitress to a bartender after a busy night? When my intuition alarms me strongly, I'm never wrong. I told him my feelings. He said he understood I felt that way but doesn't himself...but if anything were to "cross a line," he would take care of it.<P>I stopped in the club Friday night with a couple of friends. (Another story, one of my friends freaked--her first time viewing a strip club, I rather doubt her H will be going out every week to strip clubs any more, as is his habit.) I did find it interesting that this waitress did not approach me, or the bar anywhere near me. Hmm. Smart girl? <P>Yesterday was my bday. Long day--a little league football game (son plays, daughter cheerleads) then straight out for trick-or-treat before scheduling allowed my bday celebration. H and kids were very sweet, their gifts are precious. I wished for promised sex but H and I ended up falling asleep--exhausted--on the couch, and he woke me up telling me I could just go straight back to sleep after we made it up to bed. Guess he was showing concern for my usual lack of enough sleep, but my first thought was wow, another bday with no sex. After a few minutes of laying there, my disappointment brought me to the computer to type this. I feel a little better now.<P>So....all in all, progress?<P>-----------<BR>Laura

Lucks,<BR>Your post made the hair on my neck rise...<P>Before my H ever started with OW (we're talking about 18 months ago now) I got these same kinds of nasty vibes...<P>The parallels are scary: I had a history of being around H's work less and less. This pre-OW coworker would be in more and more of his work stories. Many of the stories H would relate made me nervous - pre-OW would share things about her past and her life that I could see just weren't appropriate. I even told H - that's not appropriate for you as her boss to be listening too (stuff about her abusive ex-H, etc.). OW would brush up against H in my presence, behaving flirtatiously and eventually started avoiding me when I would come in to work. Finally, I told H how uncomfortable I was and that for the first time in our marriage I was worried about him being unfaithful (this was still at least 3 months before physical affair started). He assured me that if she did anything physically inappropriate that 1) he would tell me and 2) he could handle it. What I see now is that the emotional affair had already begun - or at least OW was well into pursuing it. I learned later that she would tell H things like: "your wife didn't seem happy when she was in", "I don't think your wife likes me" - she was also overly concerned if he showed anger or expressed criticism of her work.<P>Now it is a year and a half later, we are separated, H has lost his job because of the affair and every day I wonder if I could have done something differently in acting on my initial intuition.<P>Lucks - I don't want to scare you unnecessarily. Your H is asking you how you feel - mine never did. You are already in counseling and working on your communication. But, it is obvious that she is attracted to your H. It is also very, very possible that there is nothing going on between them. But she will do what she can to create the opportunity. Here is some advice:<BR>-Keep going in to his work as much as you can.<BR>-Seek out this waitress when you are there. Let her see how happy you and H are together. Do not avoid her or act threatened by her. Kill her with kindness.<BR>-Be honest with your H. Maybe bring this up in counseling - you do not want to bury your feelings and intuition. Intuition is rarely wrong...<P>take care,<BR>Starpony<p>[This message has been edited by Starpony (edited November 01, 1999).]

Lucks - FINALLY! <P>You know all in all, it sounds pretty good to me too. Nice to see that you guys ARE talking - and even more importantly, listening to each other.<P>Sorry about the letdown on your b-day. Make him make it up to you in triplicate!!!!<P>Don't push aside your intuition. By now, you can tell the difference b/n paranoia and intuition, so keep your eyes and ears and heart open. If the first two fail you, the last one never will!!<P>You don't need advice, my friend (as if mine was any good anyway!). You guys are moving along quite nicely, I think. I'm glad he's trying to make a bridge with the youngest d. It can be very special for both of them.<P>Hang in there. You can be my inspiration!!<P>Lori

Starpony--<P>Definite words of wisdom from you! I'll heed your advice 100%...especially the killing her w/kindness part, because that will be most difficult for me. I think I can, I think I can...chug, chug....<P>I do see the parallels to our situations, and share the cold chills! I DO hope everything works out as you want it.<P>Lori--<P>Always good to hear your thoughts back. Oh YES I need your advice...I take lessons from you in patience!<P>Any contact with H over the weekend? I may have missed a post. How is D?--hopefully enjoying life and causing you a little less stress? <P>I'll bring up these most recent weird thoughts in counseling. H also wants to spend some time on basically the same subject--trust, separate friends. We talk MUCH more calmly in front of our counselor!<BR>

I don't think the girl in the strip club was attracted to your husband, unless of course his name is "Cash". The real question is whether or not he is attracted to her. She really isn't part of the equation You and her have no formal agreements as to what she does and does not do, whereas you do have an agreement with your husband.<P>What about your girl's real father? I am surprised you are so concerned about how your girls interact with H#2. I assume they already have a father. My condolences if he has passed on or has abandoned his children.<P>Whether your ex is alive, dead, or dead-beat, your second marriage is about you and another man, not about your kids and another man. Don't try and force it. Their hearts may be elsewhere.<P>Also, if your ex husband is a good man, I'd be careful. No matter how great you feel if your new man is getting along with them, don't force it. They may resent the split allegiance. <BR>

nonplused--<P>LOL!! Point taken..."Cash." You're right, she's not part of the equation. It's an issue of trust between H and me. I can control my territorial huffiness as long as H and I remain open to each other's feelings. I'm not sure my H understands me when I say this, but I won't simply trust that our relationship is strong on blind faith alone. I personally believe that is stupid--too many variables not to take an active interest in keeping our marriage healthy. Informed is better equipped to handle the changes affecting a couple. I think I just rambled, but you get the drift.<P>Re the kids and bonding with H....their dad walks a tightrope bordering on deadbeat. After our divorce, he chatted with a woman online for a couple of months, and moved 2,000 miles away to marry her (sight unseen before the commitment). He has not seen the girls in over a year, calls sporadically. He pays child support sometimes. My H is as upset with his disinterest in the girls as I am, and once told my ex if he couldn't do any better than he's shown so far, to step aside and he would adopt them. (Ex's response was..."now, how would that work? I'd no longer be responsible for support?" as if considering it.) Word is--he and new wife are coming to stay a few weeks with his mom here in town around Christmas. This should prove interesting.<BR>

Nope, no more contact. Didn't expect any really since Saturday's "Sad Day". D's worrying me a lot. Stayed home from school again today (NOT like her).<P>Never mind all this. Don't want to jump in on your thread!!!!<P>See Ya!<P>Lori