Need some advice to see if we have ruined our marriage past the point of repair.

Been married 20 years with two kids.

It�s a long story but I was a serial cheater for the first 10 years of our marriage. I would stay gone all the time with my buddy and was never there for her while she raised two children. I was caught in 2 affairs but gas lighted my way out so she never left me.
I knew my wife at home was way better than any of the A partners but I could not stop myself. None of my affairs were emotional. All I wanted out of it was sex and pretty much that is all they wanted also. I never once thought about leaving my wife for any of them.
What makes this even worse is my wife is beautiful and had never turned me down.
My biggest problem was I worked in a mostly female environment. It was not uncommon for women to just point blank ask me for sex and I did not have the guts to say no.

Well after 10 years of me not being there and her hearing rumors about my affairs my wife had an affair of her own with a family friend. I found out and it devastated me. I had always looked at myself as the bad guy and her as the good person who would never do this. Her excuse was that she did it to get back at me for all the years I had done it to her. We worked our way through it and I told her I would never cheat on her again because I knew how bad I had hurt her and confessed all my affairs.
That was 10 years ago and I have not looked at another woman since. Life was going great until 2 years ago I found out that my wife was having an affair with my best friend for over two years. She was in love with him. I had to really fight to get her back. Her excuse was the same as the first time. She did it to get back at me for the first ten years of our marriage where I was a serial cheater.
We worked our way through this but it was tough. Then 4 months ago I catch her with another guy on the computer making plans to meet up. We are still working through this one and she tells me it is still my fault again.

Now this week a woman I had ONS with 18 years ago that I had never told my wife about decides to tell my wife. I had told her about every one of them except this one. I had actually forgotten about it because it was a very drunken ONS while I was out of town and I had never seen the woman again.

Now I am the bad guy again and I fear I will never live down my horrible past. I fear I will never be forgiven. I fear she will keep using my past as her excuse to have affairs.

I keep forgiving her because I feel so bad about how I treated her for the first ten years but I do not know if I can keep it up.

Are we just two sick people doomed to this kind of life. I have changed. I love her. I know it is possible but how do I help her heal and forgive me?

Thanks for reading

2 motivated, hard-working people with a PLAN can repair a multi-screw-up situation.

*** LINK *** to a PLAN

If ther was a "like" button i could click .. I would have. Good post pepperband.

Listen to Pep and the other vets when they arrive... You will get some 2x4's upside the head and you will be called out on your garbage .. but if you stick around here and actually DO what they say and be honest ... things can possibly turn around. Its a marathon and not sprint.

MNG

Agree with Pepperband. You need to go through the MB course because they will assign you a coach who will help you change your lives. This will take much more than do it yourself!

IP1,

Sir, you need the largest size of "radical honesty" they sell, please rack your brain for whatever lies you've left hidden financial as well as sexual. You also need to let your W know who supported you and covered up your affairs. These people may have to go.

Part of the problem may be that your W feels the entire world is contaminated with your infidelity.

God Bless
Gamma

I would like to thank each of you for your reply.

I know this will sound hard to believe but I did try to tell my wife every detail 10 years ago. I was a very bad man back then. I was the Charles Manson of cheating X 10. I did set down a try to write every ONS and affair partner down for my wife. The bad part is it was so many I could not recall every one. Some I could not even give a name for because I did not know there name when it happened. I will not blame it on alcoholism but it was a part of me not remembering every detail.

So basically I gave her every name I could remember and location it happened and told her there were more but could not give her the names because I did not know. I changed jobs. We relocated. I stopped drinking and gave up the bad friends.

My downfall in this is I did not change until she had an affair. This is what made me see what I could loose and it scared the heck out of me.

We did attend MC after her first A and it helped get us back on track but I think the damage was done and this is why she cannot forgive me.

In her first A I told her I had it coming and forgave her completely. The second A I did the same thing but she had detached even more and was truly I think in love with my best friend. I honestly believe she is still in love with this guy because she was never remorseful and still maintains contact with him on occasion. I asked if OM is what she wanted and her answer was, no she did not want to break up the family because of the kids.

At this point I feel like I will never be forgiven no matter what I do to try and make it better. I think she is only staying because of the kids and when they graduate she will leave.

Well then .... you better get cracking !

Click the link and move your butt.

Well things have gone from bad to worse. I have been doing the Plan A months now. I have tried to get her to agree to MC again but it is a no go for her. I have tried to explain what she is doing is not helping but it looks like she is only out for revenge. I have told her about MB and she is not interested.

She only has one family member to expose to and I have already done that. I have no family left living to help.

My wife is planning a trip out of town this weekend (3 days) and has stated she is not going alone. She has purchased condoms and showed them to me. She has been MIA everyday while I have been at work so I know she is up to something. She is not really hiding anything. I have asked her not to go but her mind is made up.

What can I do in the next 24 hours to stop this or do I just let her go and hope for the best? I can disable her car but she could just have someone pick her up.

Do I tell her just not to come back if she is not willing to work on the marriage right now?

Your children need to know what your wife is doing.

I agree. I believe the circle of exposure is much wider than you suspect. Expose to your friends and hers. Facebook, etc...

Tell her if she goes, to pack everything with her, because there will not be a place for her when she returns. She loses kids, and home.

CV

Instead of driving yourself crazy and wasting your life away, do yourself and your children the biggest favor you possibly could and divorce her.

I know this site is about saving marriages, but sometimes it can't be done. I also know this: No woman on Earth is worth tolerating that sort of treatment.

I believe marriages even as bad as this one can be saved with hard work and time. Some women are worth the time and effort. You are right, he does not have to endure this treatment. Setting an ultimatum in stopping the affair says he is not tolerating it.

CV

To each his own. Some bad marriages can indeed be saved...and I am living proof that sometimes divorce is the best answer for everyone involved.

To Krazy's point, the OP should be doing what Dr Harley instructs and that is to DEMAND she end her affair or this will lead to divorce. Dr Harley does not suggest that someone stay in an abusive marriage. This WW is extremely brazen and abusive so I agree the best thing would be to file for divorce to get legal protection. If she makes a radical 180 degree change in that time frame, he can consider dropping it.

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

Bad marriages can only be saved if BOTH partners are on board. Marriage Builders does not claim to force one partner to commit to the marriage against her will.

You need to give her an ultimatum. That is the only way she will see what is real and what is total fog.

You're allowing her to continue the affair. You are allowing her to abuse you. Doesn't matter what you did in the past as long as you're willing to do the MB program.

She seems very far gone. I think threat of divorce is the only way. Tell her if she goes away for these three days with this guy then she should NOT return.

My husband threatened to dump me off at my POSOM's apt. so then I would see what was truth and what was crap. He never had to do that because I wrote a NC letter and cut off all contact.

DO IT!! Tell her not to come back. You'll have to tell your kids the truth about what's going on.

lp1

Exactly how many months have you been in PlanA? Were you using the Carrot and Stick?

Have you read up on PlanB?

Do you have a written plan/timeline? Plan A is not meant to become a way of life-forever.

Just curious

nESRE

I agree 1000%. However very few active waywards are willing to be on board. What I am suggesting is that he take appropriate steps to end the affair(s) so they can both get on board.

We say all the time that the WS can't be on board until the affair ends.Let's do that first and see if saving the M can happen. That's all I'm saying.

CV

What is she using for money to finance this trip?
If the credit card is also in your name, cancel it.
If/when WW leaves on this trip, move all but $100 remaining funds in any jointly held accounts to a new account.
If/when WW leaves on this trip, change the house locks, the garage door opener code, etc.

Are you doing childcare duties while she is off screwing around?

How old are your kids?

Also, you need to DOCUMENT this activity carefully.

Please read *** THIS linked thread *** and start your documenting.

It's ALL facts.
Dates
Times
Who
What
Where

NOT conjecture.
NOT feelings.
NOT name calling.

Like Joe Friday said:

"JUST THE FACTS, PLEASE."