I have already offered to give my husband all of my information. He already has my email addresses on his phone. I have gotten off of FB, and my school email is being monitored by the district. Three weeks after the affair my H and I sent a letter to the OM. I have already been tested for STD's per my husbands request and my husband told both of our families everything the day that he found out. All of our friends, families, and all of my Co-Workers (entirely different story)know about the affair.

I told my husband that I would get a copy of our cell records from now on and he could do anything he wanted to check up on me. He said that he did not want me to feel like I was living like a prisoner for the rest of my life. The thing is, I don't care if I live like a prisoner. I deserve to live like a prisoner for what I have done. I wan't him to check up on me, to feel safe.

NeverGuessed, the only thing from your list above that I have not done and cannot do is, quit my job. The OM has been moved to another school and level completely. There is really no way that I could or would ever see him again.

I know this is only the very beginning of what I can do to "change" my behaviors. I have written out a letter with a PLAN and EP in it. My H however has requested right now that we have as little contact as possible. He says he needs his space to think. So do I respect that space and wait to give him the letter or do I go ahead and give it to him as soon as possible?

Mr. Wondering,

I don't know what "right" is. I agree with you that if my husband wants a divorce I have to respect this and I will. I appreciate and respect what you are saying. I understand that it is so much more than what I want and actions speak louder than words. That is why I am on this site and this forum. That is why I am reading How To Survive an Affair right now (my husband already read it). That is why I have already set up EP and boundaries for myself.


No matter what I know I have a long road ahead of me and am already trying to fix myself but still have a million miles to go.

Do you mean Dr Harley's Surviving an Affair?

I still recommend you quit your job. If there are no men working there now, there are likely to be at some point in the future.

Find a job with women.

Also, don't just offer him your info - give it. Make him a list of all info and passwords, so if he chooses to he can check at his leisure. I recommend putting GPS tracking on your phone, if it doesn't already have it, and giving him the info for that, too.

15Y,

One of the details I picked up on was that you went to counseling with your H and felt you were doing well. Did your H feel that the counselor was taking your side or shifting the blame onto him.

Have you asked your H how he really feels?

God Bless
Gamma

Gamma,
Yes, at first the counceling seemed to be going well. My H said it made him feel better and he respected my honestly. At our last session however he felt like he was being picked on. My husband and I have had a lot of conversations and I have listened to his needs. For the past six weeks I have been doing anything and everything he has asked. A week ago today however he decided he needed some space and moved out. He told me that he was really confused and he could forgive me but he cannot forget and this is what is killing him right now.

Yes, Surviving An Affair. That us how I found the website.

15Y,
Good for you for the exposure, NCL, and STD testing. As extreme as it sounds today, you (and your BH) will learn that you will eventually need to transfer to a different job-site, because every time you visit the staff cafeteria (where you chatted with "him"), or walk past a classroom (where "he" taught) you will be reminded of the time you were besotted with another man, and acted on that impulse. (BTW: My FWW had her fling with a retired fellow-teacher as well.) If POSOM has moved on, for the moment I think you have other things that can be pursued. But start researching the transfer process....

You said your husband has "forgiven". No, he has not. "Forgiveness" implies NOT taking action against the one who harmed us. He will not be able to "forgive" until the anger/disgust he currently feels has abated. Right now he's subordinating the various forms of acting on those emotions to his opportunity to effect withdrawal from you. Read through this thread; it might help you (and him):

"Forgiven" Thread

That is usually how men feel in counseling. That is the difference between Marriage Builders and traditional counseling. MB has an actual action plan that addresses and resolves the problem. Whereas going to counseling does not solve the problem. They have no plan.

I am hopeful if you go to your husband with an actual PLAN that focuses on protecting him and changing your actions, he might reconsider.

Today is my husband's birthday and I asked him If he would allow me to give him a letter tonight. He said yes. In this letter I have included my EP's, my Plan of Action for recovery, An explanation of why I did what I did, and I few other things I felt necessary to include. I am asking anyone and everyone to read it and give me your advice and opinions. The same advice and opinions that have begun to change who I am and the way that I think the past few days.

Thank you!


The letter is posted below:


1-10-12
Happy Birthday Sean! I wish I could grant you a birthday wish and take away all of your pain. All I have for you this year is this letter. I am asking that you read this letter carefully and take everything in it under consideration. I think you will find that this letter is very different than any one I have ever written to you. See this letter is my PLAN of action that I am going to take to ensure that I will never hurt you or my children again. Even if you do decide that it is over, I am going to continue with this plan no matter what.
What I have come to realize is that you no longer know who I am and the wife you thought you had does not exists anymore. This is true, and it is sad that what we had is gone because of me. But I am working to replace the old me, with a better, more honest person. My greatest desire is that through my changes we can and will have happy memories again. I have also come to realize however that it is not what I want that matters. It is what you want and need. I however, am not ready to throw in the towel and WILL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO MAKE OUR MARRIAGE WORK!
Desperate for help and answers I got on the Marriage Builders forum. If you would have asked me a few days ago about it, I would have said it was awful and I am never going back on it. But I think that God sent me to that site because he kept luring me back to it. I posted our story on the forum and almost immediately people started responding. They were not however the responses I expected to get. These people were brutally honest with me about what I did. They were asking me very hard questions and analyzing everything I said. They told me that you no longer felt safe with me and I broke you and they understood exactly why you left me.

At first I was so defensive and asked �how can they judge me, they even know me.� But then I really started to listen. These people were trying to help me by making me see myself for who I really was. I am a wayward spouse (WS) that truly needs to acknowledge and take responsibility for what I did. A person that needs to change and come up with a PLAN of true sacrifice for the ones she loves. I know that I will never be able to say I am sorry enough to make it better. I am hoping you can give me a chance to show you that I am sorry, from now until forever.

First of all, I want to say that I am sorry for taking inventory on your mistakes and focusing on how you hurt me rather than taking accountability for my own crimes. Thank you for being so strong during the Holidays. I know that took a lot out of you and I see now how hard it was for you to pretend that nothing was wrong for the kids. Thank you!!!

I have spent hours on the MB(Marriage Builders) forum and am not anywhere near done. What I have already learned though is that it takes more than just saying you will not do it again. We have actually had this discussion and you said that if I could guarantee that I would not do this again in ten, fifteen, or even twenty years that you would stay with me. We�ll I truly believe that the steps in Marriage Builders is that guarantee. But these steps, and changes don�t mean anything if I am not willing to use them in my life and truly change. Well, I am ready to use them!

I have mapped out a PLAN of action that I am going to follow and I am going to share it with you. I realize this will mean nothing to you unless you actually see it in action but I want to write it down for you to show you that I have thought long and hard about my changes and have already started working on them. I realize I have a very long way to go but am willing to take the steps.
Liz�s Plan of Action

What can I do to make YOU feel Safe?

1. I will be completely honest with you about everything, past and present
2. I will allow you to see everything I do � my text, emails, phone calls � EVERYTHING!!
3. I will eliminate all of my social networking accounts and never get on one again
4. I will not do things without you, unless they are with trustworthy female friends and you feels completely safe and comfortable about it.
5. I will fill your emotional needs and encourage you to tell me when they are not being filled
6. I will Let you know if my emotional needs are not being met
7. I will put myself into tempting situations, or one on one meetings with the opposite sex
8. I will not have a friendship with the opposite sex, including texting, phone calls, personal conversations, lunch etc�
9. I will not flirt with another man or attempt to make you jealous in any way
10. I have to EARN your forgiveness. No matter how long it takes , I will be patient and show you compassion for the trauma that I have caused.
11. I will never attend another work happy hour or party without you by my side
12. I will contact an attorney that will work on your behalf to create a Post-nuptial agreement.
13. I will do whatever keeps you comfortable with the housing and children situation.
14. I will make your phone calls and text my number one priority, answering them and returning them immediately.
15. I will leave my phone accessible to you at any time. And will trade my phone with you any time you request, NO questions asked.
16. I will commit to at least 15 hours with you minimum with you each week to give you my undivided attention and meet your emotional needs.
17. If my affair partner tries to make contact in any way, I end contact immediately and contact you to let you know.
18. Anything else you want to add to this list is as boundary, will be added!

I know that you stated that you don�t want to live like this, but I do. These are the consequences of my actions. I do not see them as punishment; I see them as necessary for me to be a better wife and mother.

What Conditions led to my affair?

1. I had poor boundaries with men and let myself be put in situations that I should have never been in in the first place.
2. I was naive enough to believe that it was safe to have a friendship with a man.
3. I was selfish and not thinking of the devastation that the affair would cause
4. I didn�t end the affair before it got physical because I was weak and was caught up in the lie of the affair.
5. Instead of communicating and being honest with you, I confided in another man rather than talking to the one I truly loved about how I was feeling.
6. I blamed you and justified my affair by picking out your flaws and using them as excuses for my own selfish actions.


How am I going to prevent a future affair?

1. I am going to commit to following the list above, EVERY DAY!!! Taking the Extraordinary Precautions that are necessary to keep my marriage safe.
2. There is No Compromise to the list. I will not change or eliminate anything on the list.
3. I will continue to set up Boundaries that you or I feel necessary for our marriage.
4. We will make Joint Decisions that we both agree on, together.
5. I will be Honest about my feelings, my finances, my social life, EVERYTHING!
6. I am going to Remind myself every day of the devastation that I caused, that I will never completely be able to understand how much I hurt you.
7. I will follow and use the tools given to me on the Marriage Builders website and in Dr. Harley�s books.

These are not just words. Words mean nothing to you and will do nothing to prevent me from repeating my mistakes. These are actions that I have started to work on and will continue to work on.

Last but not least, I don�t just want to be FORGIVEN. I have to EARN your forgiveness. I want to show you that I have the willingness to compensate you for the damage that I have caused to your emotions and your heart.


WITH ALL OF MY HEART,

Liz

fifteenyears, this is very good! I made some minor changes. I want to explain to you that this is not a program of sacrifice. This is a program of freedom. These changes in behavior will protect you and your husband and your children from harm. That is FREEING, not sacrificial. It is not punishment to live a life that is protected from harm, it is liberating. It is important that you understand this before you speak to him. Because if you view this as sacrifice, you won't be doing it for long. The ultimate sacrifice is your marriage, and taking these steps prevent the loss of your marriage. Do you see what I mean?

In other words, when I "sacrificed" smoking 4 packs a day, I got something much, much better in exchange: my good health. This needs to be viewed in that light.

And here is the program of recovery that will restore the love in your marriage [add Surviving an Affair to the book list]. I would tell him that this is the plan you are proposing for the recovery of your marriage. It is an action plan that you will do on your own [you TWO] without counseling. [if do-it-yourself doesn't work, however, the next logical step would be to sign up for the MB course and they will assign you a coach but there is no reason you can't do this on your own if you are methodical and committed]

The Marriage Builders� Home Study Courses, Seminar,and Accountability Program

I'm not a qualified poster, but, you need to put the word "not" in number 7.

I would find a way to not allow this to happen in the first place. Such as changing your cell phone # and/or email address. How would he contact you?

Good catch HapHusb !

The sentence should read:

7. I will not put myself into tempting situations, or one on one meetings with the opposite sex.

15Y, you seem to have taken this very seriously. Keep at it!

NG, what would be your reaction to this letter if you were her husband?

Thanks haphusb!

Also, do you have any "friends" that KNEW about the affair while it was going on?

Checking up on you will make your husband feel safe. There is nothing more effective at building trust than watching what your spouse does when you think she is not looking. Like Harley says: "Lack of trust does not make spouses paranoid and miserable, it makes their marriages safe."

It also helps him hold you accountable. You should both have access to everything.

15Y-

Really well done.

I would have a hard time not letting you try to earn my forgiveness after reading this if I were Sean.

I especially like how you tell him whether he stays or goes, you are going to stay true to this course to earn his forgiveness.

I havent said this to a WW before, but having a remorseful, shamed, and guilt-ridden WW is an excellent start to a BH's recovery.

Good luck.

Yes, thank you all of you! I am so committed to this and I really don't want my husband to feel like it is a sacrifice. I do not feel that way at all. In fact I am excited about this new journey.


ML, there is really no way for my EX-AP to contact me. I have blocked him from my phone and emails. I am no longer on FB. He is no longer at my school. The only thing I worry about is that he and his wife do not live far from us. I have been making sure that I go to the stores on the other side of town, just in case. But I am afraid that at some time one of us will run into him. I just felt that for my husbands reassurance I would add that one because shorty after it happened he asked me to tell him if he ever tried to contact me in any way.

I am buying the books His Needs, Her Needs today. I am giving a copy to my husband and keeping one for myself.

Unlike some of the WS I have not had any contact with him since D-Day. I did go through a couple weeks of grieving for the loss of the relationship and feelings but I have been out of that fog for several weeks now.