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I'm not sure if I'm posting in the right section or not. I've read up on everything that I can to help me recover from my husband of 16 years having an affair with the neighbors and their friends while I was home asleep. All parties involved still kept coming around and pretending to be my friend. The affair came to light almost a year ago and I'm still finding out lies that he's told me about it. I'm also finding that he's looking at porn (most of which deals with spouses watching, etc.) and found where he had browsed personal ads. He claims that he was bored and curious about what people would post on craigs list. Am I making to much out of this, given that he was heavy into swapping with the others? I'm lost and crused over all of this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
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Hi, helpneeded2.
A few questions, if you don't mind:
1. How many affair partners (Other Women OW) are we talking about?
2. Are any of them married and, if so, do their spouses know?
3. Why do you still associate with the affair partners?
4. Do you and your husband have any children?
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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On xmas eve it involved the married neighbors, another married couple, my husband and the neighbors brother (he was there but I don't know if he participated). On New Years (my anniversary)it was the female neighbor and her single friend and the other times that I know about were my husband, the married neighbors and the married female from xmas eve.
yes, all spouses knew except for me and the single gals boyfriend.
We don't associate with them any longer. They were coming around during the whole time it was happening (we were all friends for the last 5 years doing lots of things together).
We have 2 grown boys. One was getting mariied during this time and the other just moved out.
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NH2,
All parties involved still kept coming around and pretending to be my friend.
Please tell me you have removed these people from your life completely, because it is torture if these folks are still around, even your kids should not be playing with their kids. You need to expose far and wide.
God Bless
Gamma
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Have both of you been tested for STDs? Do not have sex with him until you know that you both are clean.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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NH2,
yes, all spouses knew except for me and the single gals boyfriend.
Do this guy a favor and set him straight on what happened he needs to get an STD test, you do too. Don't shy away from doing so it will keep him from making the mistake of marrying this gal.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 01/10/12 02:50 PM.
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They are completely gone. I got tired of listening to her (neighbor) telling me about it since my husband wouldn't and saying how she never wanted it to happen. I had us both tested because after the first meeting she told him that the other couple had herpes but they didn't have to worry since they weren't in a break out.
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They are completely gone. I got tired of listening to her (neighbor) telling me about it since my husband wouldn't and saying how she never wanted it to happen. I had us both tested because after the first meeting she told him that the other couple had herpes but they didn't have to worry since they weren't in a break out. So your husband has zero contact with these people? Oh, and herpes can be spread between breakouts. Edit: Just saw that this was over a year ago and that you already had the tests done.
Last edited by Northwood8900; 01/10/12 02:55 PM.
Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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He claims that there's been no contact since I found out but who knows. If he is then he's doing it from work, wehre I can't monitor. I've done alot of research on herpes since there but our tests came back clean.
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They are completely gone. I got tired of listening to her (neighbor) telling me about it since my husband wouldn't and saying how she never wanted it to happen. I had us both tested because after the first meeting she told him that the other couple had herpes but they didn't have to worry since they weren't in a break out.  Did you have your physician run a full screen for STDs, including Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis B, etc? What tests were done?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I don't understand the needing to watch porn now and the looking at craigs list personals. Curiosity doesn't seem to be a good enough excuse in my mind. I would think that since this is what lead him down the wrong path that he wouldn't do it anymore. Perhaps I'm just being naive.
He also claims that he wants our marriage and me but doesn't say that he loves me, unless prompted. Then he talks about all the things that we're going to do in our future and making future plans but doesn't put much effort into our marriage. He has never been completely honest about the affair.
Last edited by helpneeded2; 01/10/12 03:14 PM.
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I had our doctor run the full gamet of tests for us.
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I would think that since this is what lead him down the wrong path that he wouldn't do it anymore. Perhaps I'm just being naive. Not naive, you just made a (common) mistake in not defining what boundaries he must follow for you to stay married to him. See, he thinks that there are no consequences and that nothing will ever happen. Shoot, he slept with, what, half a dozen people and nothing really came of it. He's happy as (use your favorite analogy here) and has zero motive to change. If, after all, everything's great, why go through the trouble of changing? That's not to be cavalier about it, but to just show you an outsider's perspective on what you have described. It'll have to come down to you deciding what you want out of this marriage and whether or not he is willing to meet those requirements. This doesn't have to be your "normal" if you don't want it to be. Do your children know about this? His parents/family?
Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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NH2, Given that these swingers already had herpes, I would guess that puts them at high risk for various types of HPV. You also need to be vigilent about head, throat, neck, vaginal, penile, cervical and etc cancers since HPV, is being implicated in many of these maladies. http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/hpv/statistics/headneck.htmGod Bless Gamma
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The one couple has herpes and the neighbors (the wife) has HPV. Sad part about it is the neighbor (wife) is a registered nurse.
My children and family know. I had to depend on them fro support to make it through the last year of finding bits and pieces out constantly. None of this came at all at once.
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Yeah...not to alarm you, NH2, but STDs are sneaky little critters. The thing that concerns me is that you say your dr. ran a full screen of tests and you're clean.  A full screen requires a second visit for re-testing on some of these STDs because they don't manifest themselves right away and can hide in your body for months. Did you go twice?
Last edited by maritalbliss; 01/10/12 03:22 PM.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I appreciate straight talk and that's why I'm asking. I'm just lost and don't know which way to turn. I've been with him for 16 years and quite honestly anyone that knows us (as a couple or apart) were completely thrown by all of this. All they could say was, "I can't believe this, I see the way he looks at you and you can see that he loves and adores you." This is how everyone, including me felt. That's why this has been so hard.
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He's monitoring us and will re-run them when we return in a year. He didn't say anything about coming back sooner. I'll follow up with him.
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Thank you all for the advice! I suppose it's time to step up and make some consequences for doing the things that we talked about him not doing after the affair. I have to say, this is the hardest thing I've ever been through and would really love to be able to do what my husband wants; to not talk about it, forget about it (pretend it never happend) and move on.
Thank you again!
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HN2,
I would suggest you tell your H he needs to tell you everything and then schedule a polygraph test, can you imagine yourself 10 years or 20 years from now with these questions unanswered?
He also needs to make his apoligies to that single girls boyfriend.
God Bless
Gamma
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