MFal,
I didn't get a chance to read every post because I'm at work. You are in a very dangerous place.

You need to somehow make it clear to your husband that he HAS to meet your needs or your marriage will end. There is something going on with him that he doesn't want to meet your SF needs. Is it possible that HE is having an affair?

The more you fantasize, the closer you will get to acting on it. I know.........I did it. You have to do something to get through to your husband.
CT

No, what you are describing is a textbook emotional affair. There is no maybe about it.

You are hoping that, maybe, there is some way out of doing the difficult things that will be necessary. And you are deciding this on your own, without giving your husband enough information to evaluate the decision you are making. You are putting yourself firmly in the driver's seat of the marriage instead of working towards something mutual.

You are telling yourself that you were praiseworthy by telling your husband, but you haven't really told your husband. You haven't told your husband he has a secret enemy who sent you sexual texts. And you haven't told him that you have a high sex drive that is motivating you to think sexually about many men. You're denying your husband this intimacy, as well as the information he needs to know that you have a vulnerability, and who has attempted to exploit it in the past.


There's only a narrow path to make that succeed.


No, this is not step one in your case.


Your neglected needs are not what caused your emotional affair. Your husband did not cause it; it was a choice that you made. Many people in the same situation have dealt with the situation in other ways, like talking about the problem with their spouse, or getting marriage counseling, or even getting a divorce.

Did you have an affair in your last marriage too? Is that why your marriage broke up?

What was your screen name?

If she dares say that to the man she just knifed in the back from an affair, he needs to kick her out and go into Plan B. She is no position to threaten him.

This is all a waste of time if you are still in contact with your OM. Recovery is impossible if there is still any contact with your OM. You have to do the FIRST STEP before you can do the second step.

This is not your first rodeo, is it? What was your former posting name?

No, the OP is not married. He knows he is attractive. He is aware I told my husband about the messages and they ceased, he is respecting my marriage.

I am the one with the problem. I am having sexual fantasies about other men. Him and others. Because I am not getting my needs met no matter how hard I try to get DH to understand how important it is to me.

I have male friends. Always have. Several close ones, who nothing has EVER happened with, and nothing will, who are flirty and joke around and make me feel attractive, without making me feel like they are a threat. Are they all emotional affairs, because they are meeting needs that my husband refuses to?

I am not discounting the advice here, I'm just ... quite overwhelmed.

I will put in my 2 cents. To solve this issue your H needs to see his MD and most likely needs to get into IC. I do not actually read an EA into this, your H is not coming no where near to meeting your needs which could very well lead to a PA. You need to sit down and discuss everything with him and get him on board, if not think about D for you are too young to think about this for the next 30 to 40 years.

Absolutely nothing leads me to believe he is having an affair other than the complete lack of interest in sex WITH ME, which I have to contribute to the concept that he has a complete lack of interest in sex entirely. I'm no goddess, but when we do have sex, it's pretty fantastic and mutually satisfying. It's just ... terribly rare. And with the rarity comes a sad side effect ... he doesn't last anywhere near as long as he used to. Frustrating to finally get a chance to have my needs met, and be done in minutes. :l

The problem *IS* you. It is because you are still in contact with the OM. The affair happened because you have poor boundaries around men, not because you are not getting your needs met.


Did you learn absolutely nothing from your current affair? Your affair started as a "friendship" and you are saying that opposite sex friendships are safe? Are you kidding? You have direct evidence this is not true. This is just more evidence of sloppy boundaries. You already KNOW this is how affairs start.

The issue in your marriage cannot be resolved until you FIRST end your affair and take steps to affair proof your marriage. Recovery does not begin until ALL CONTACT ENDS and steps are taken to protect your husband.

THEN recovery begins. Lets not put the cart before the horse here.

To be fair, I DID tell my husband I was receiving and sending sexual texts and chat messages. I HAVE shared in detail my high sex drive. We do talk about women he thinks are "hot" and men and women I think are "hot" as well. I would do anything to make DH want me sexually. Have tried many, many things.



I'm not blaming him. I was at fault for responding in the matter which I did. It led to fantasies I wish I could ignore. I HAVE talked to him at length about the problem. I have suggested counseling. I have asked him to talk to a doctor. I have never considered divorce. I love my husband very much and he loves me very much. But a lack of response on his end toward my many suggestions that he do something to meet my needs has led to a big withdrawal from my love bank.

The problem at the root of this IS the fact he does not give me sexual attention. It is not that I've not allowed him to try. I've cried, I've scheduled, I've surprised, I've made the advances, I've done everything I can think of. I can't make him want me. If he doesn't ... well there we are.

I did not. I was physically abused.



It has been years; I don't recall.

This is all an attempt to divert the subject away from the real problem, which is your affair. You have not told your husband you are having an affair and with WHOM. That needs to happen TODAY and all contact needs to end with your OM.

The root of the problem IS YOUR AFFAIR.

QUIT TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT...

I appreciate your perspective. I have tried to get him to try meds and counseling. I don't want a PA. I don't want an EA for that matter. I want my husband, but I'm out of options I can think of. We have talked and talked and talked. He has to want a change. Instead, he just gets depressed because he is not meeting my needs, which just continues the cycle. I have desperately tried to tell him I NEED YOU. I don't WANT anyone else. I WANT YOU. I'm talking to a wall.

Did you have an affair in the last marriage?

This is a DISTRACTION. You need to stay focused on the REAL PROBLEM, which is the affair. The affair is the sinking Titanic and you are focusing on the peeling paint in the girls bathroom. You must first tell your H the full truth about the affair and end contact with your OM. THEN, recovery can take place. But you will have no marriage to save until you do that.

Your husband has to be told the NAME of this rat, and given all the evidence of the affair. The next step will be to send him a no contact letter and pledge to never see or speak to him again.


here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

I have always, always, ALWAYS had male friends. I have not had a problem with cheating since before my first marriage. Between ages 18 and 20, I'd get cheated on, I'd cheat on the next guy, I'd get cheated on, etc. Then I was married for 8 years. No cheating. Then I was divorced, and remarried. No cheating in all that time. The sexual texts were a brief thing a while ago.

I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Lots of people do, without issue. I'm that kind of person. I haven't had a problem with wanting any more to come of it.

Like I said, I've made a mistake. Flirting led to sexual messages, which led to me feeling guilty, telling my husband, and ending the sexual conversations.

No one is ever going to look at this from the perspective I have on it. I have ONE FRIEND who I've been able to come clean with. She just doesn't know how to help me.

In other words, she is still lying to the man. How is that "fair" to lie to your husband? The truth is that you are having an AFFAIR and your H needs all the facts and names. You haven't told him crap.

Two things:

1. You need to tell your BH who the OM was. Today. Now. No H likes to find out that he's being cuckolded, and it's worse when the offendor turns out to be a close friend or acquaintance, and the longer it takes for him to find out, the more he's likely going to hate you for putting him in that situation and making look like a fool. And FWIW, an added bonus of telling him is that he's likely to assist you in ensuring that no further contact is made with that "friend".

2. Concerning SF or lack thereof in your M, I have some ideas I could share on that subject. However, I'm not going to engage in that conversation until you've made it clear that you've told your H about OM. As a BH, I would be pretty pissed if I found out that my W was trying to get me to engage in SF with her, and at the same time was choosing to continue participating in making me look like a fool.

My POV is not that I'm having an affair. I had an affair. Even if it was only sexual thoughts about another person. It has been LONG OVER.

I have already TOLD my husband. About the messages and the thoughts.

What I need, is help preventing another.