I'm sorry, it wasn't meant to be flippant. I regret my choice to engage in sexting and the pain it has caused.

Nope.


Flirting is like playing Russian Roulette. You may get away with it for a while, but sooner or later you will get shot.

The advice you have been getting is not just a possible way to deal with this...it is the ONLY SUCCESSFUL WAY to heal and recover your marriage.

You need:

HONESTY
NO CONTACT
ELIMINATE THE CONDITIONS THAT MADE THIS A POSSIBLE

If your M is to truly succeed, your BH will need to stop flirting as well, and tighten up his own boundaries around women. That should be at the very, very bottom of your worry list right now.

You clean up your own side of the street. It's the only side you can control. Right now it's just as messy as if you'd had a PA. You need all the same steps as if it was a PA.

Don't kid yourself. This is way more than "dirty fantasies". You can make it through this, as long as you take the steps to heal. Radical Honesty, No Contact, Extraordinary Precautions.

You LIED to him. Your lies hurt him and your marriage. Saying you don't want to "hurt people" is just an excuse to avoid doing the right thing. If your friend stole your money would it be ok for her not to tell you because she doesn't want to "hurt you?" Wouldnt' that be a ridiculous excuse?

You have secrets with the OM to which your husband is not privy. Intimacy and trust can never be restored on that basis. You are living a lie.

You cannot lie your way to a good marriage. It doesn't work.

I have a hard time believing this is your first affair with such a profoundly dishonest attitude like that. I know you would not hesitate to lie to board members if you felt it was expedient.

How about trying to remember that old screen name so we can look up your old posts? You say you got divorced because your H was "abusive" but that is the favored lie of almost every wayward wife.

No. It would hurt YOU. You want to keep OM in your life and the only way to do this is to withhold that info from your BH.

I admire your passion, but we are at an impasse.

I cannot reveal this persons identity without hurting innocent people.

I have caused enough suffering. I will not do it.

I will not leave my home, my job, my extended family or my community over a few dirty messages.

I was wrong to seek advice here.

If you're too cowardly to answer a basic question like "Who was the OP?", then do him the biggest favor you possibly could a file for a divorce.

I don't say that out of anger at all. You don't have any respect for your spouse, he obviously doesn't have the guts or the desire to divorce you even though you are toxic for him, so prove you have some level of love for him and cut him loose.

Then again, if you can't answer a simple question, you probably don't have the guts to do that either.

Is this a GBCW post?

Would you please consider talking to Dr. Harley, professionally? He can help you organize and prioritize the advice you are given and put together a plan to fix this.

Since you are overwhelmed, it is going to be hard to put one foot in front of the other.

Therefore, you need help.

You can talk to Dr. Harley for free on his radio show:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

You will believe what you want to believe. I have nothing to gain by lying here.


I don't think even hospital records would change your opinion of me, but I know what I endured and what I escaped. Never once did I stray.

Thanks to those who tried to help, but I don't see any kind of cure being offered for the underlying symptoms. People whose needs are being met don't cheat. That's what I heard.

Let's see . . .

-You engage in independent behavior.

-You proudly maintain relationships with male friends.

- You are a self-proclaimed very sexual woman who constantly reminds her husband that he's not meeting your needs -- specifically, your sexual needs.

- You engaged in an emotonal affair. You told your husband about the emotional affair, but refused to identify your affair partner even though he wanted to know. He correctly guessed the identity of the affair partner and you lied about it.

- You are openly living a lie with your husband and refuse to give him pertinent details about his life (rest assured mfal, he KNOWS the identity of your paramour . . .).

- You are at wits-end in trying to come up with answers about why your husband doesn't want to engage in SF with you.

Don't know your husband; he may be very different from me. However, if you looked like Angelina Jolie and treated me the way you're treating him, it's likely the only occasion I may be able to rise to would be to puke in your shoes.

More of a white flag.

Do we joke about suicide here? I wasn't informed. :l

Suicide?
What are you talking about?

It crossed my mind. He deserves better than me.

GBCW?

Does this mean something else I'm unaware of?

Wrong.

You do not care about innocent people or you wouldn't have engaged in this to begin with.

The only thing you care about is losing the ability to keep the OM in YOUR life.

How is your BH supposed to protect HIMSELF and YOU if he doesn't know WHOM to protect HIMSELF and YOU from???

Jim

You owe it to yourself to become a better more mature person.

You have already hurt the innocent people. You have already destroyed whatever bond of family and friendship exist. The innocent people just don't know it yet.


This isn't necessarily true, but for the moment lets skip an argument of the basic premise and pretend it's completely factual.

So a person's needs weren't being met and they cheated. They are still in contact with the OP.

Are we really going to advise that the first step is to see that their EN's get met so they don't cheat again? No!!! The first step, once that line has been crossed - as it has been in your case - is to tell the BS and establish NC.

To focus on unmet needs whilst contact with the OP is ongoing is like hunting everywhere for tweezers to remove a splinter as the patient bleeds to death from a severed leg.

Yes.
It's a term we have for posters who leave a message that they are being treated badly by MBers and announce they will never return to MB ever again. Except, they usually do.

Very dramatic.