That is VERY true....
But I also know that he doesn't like to lose a day's fees (he's a consultant) so there has to be something important enough for him to do exactly that, AND pay for the travel.



Haha, I'd have looked like a mad woman over the festive period!
I'm back at work now, and that makes it all so much easier



It's just an excuse. Maybe he wants to see what I've done to the place, maybe he wants his winter coat, maybe he wants to give our cats a New Years hug. I don't really care.



Again, I don't really care all that much. I have made copies of all pertinent papers, stored them securely at work.

I also arranged some secure storage for my more valuable trinkets. I sold the iPad he guilt gifted me to a colleague today.

If he want to come and take the TV and his surround sound system, he's welcome to it.

It's not in his best interest to do anything derogatory to the house or its contents as we own it together.
If we are to divorce it will have to be sold, so it's in his best interest to keep it looking as pristine as possible considering the way the market is.

Thanks Indie, I decided that was a very good idea. I now start humming 'Move on up' by the late great Curtis Mayfield whenever my thoughts stray where they shouldn't.
Inspirational and uplifting

Argh! Plan B broken!
Came home from work yesterday to find J still at the house.

We talked some, and when he finally left he gave me a long hug.
I know this is bad, but at least the feelings of anger and resentment over my exposure seem to have dissipated.

He is still very fogged out, saying OW had nothing to do with him leaving, and that he nearly lost his job after exposure.
When I told him that he shouldn't have been dipping his pen in the company inkwell, he said it had nothing to do with me and I had no right.

Wrong! I am married to you so I have every right, and it has everything to do with me. Do you blame a witness to a crime for shopping a criminal to the police? He said we'll never agree on it.

He told me he went to his solicitors to have some amendments made to the divorce petition regarding MY unreasonable behaviour. Yuck, stupid legal system. I wish this country would allow 'irreconcilable differences' as grounds for divorce rather than having to resort to slinging mud at the (in my case) innocent party.

Anyway, back to deep dark plan B. Let the solicitors deal with it.

Hi Maryse,

I was wondering how you Monday went. I am in no way qualified to offer you advice... just support.

I feel for you honey. These WS are just incredible aren't they!

Lots of positive vibes coming your way. Find your inner strength and love thy self x

See how you can never know what it is a wayward really wants because they dont know themselves? He showed up to see you and spout crap. Thats why I wanted an IM with him or him not granted access to the house.

With every break in Plan B, you need to identify the gaps, plug them up so it can never happen again. I know you feel good about this break (he wore the 'I care' pose) but actually he just walked all over you by not respecting the one thing you asked him to do (NC with you until NC with her) - which however is to be expected from these aliens.

So I would suggest your plan B needs the following changes:

1) Not granting him access to your house again without him being babysat and kept away from you. Preferably not granted access at all.

2) If you ever see him unexpectedly again, whether in your street, at your workplace, at your door, at a swanky party where you have your formal manners on and people to impress - you must do the following.

SMILE, TURN AROUND AND WALK SWIFLTY AWAY down the street to where you cannot be followed. He must not be allowed to communicate with you or experience your presence in any way again.

3) Same thing with indirect methods of communication. You get an unexpected note thorugh the door or handwritten letter mailed. As soon as you realise its from him - drop it like it is hot, unread. Delete any email or text if he manages to get one through without reading it. This is essential.

Seriously tighten up your boundaries, Maryse. Waywards like to test the water and you have just given him one free swim too many. He will step up his campaign to cake eat at your expense shortly and try harder to break Plan B than he has so far and you must be prepared for that.

I have lost count of the number of times a BS says: 'Oh he doesnt want to have contact with me'

Then BOOM - break in Plan B. Each attempt more severe than the last.

And J? You need a better wayward nickname for him than that.

This is right, and until he sees it he will keep on giving excuses..."Well if she didn't...If they didn't..IF, woulda coulda shoulda..."

Ask him what happened to the time when he would gladly keep the rules, because love was that important to him, you were..

Just like a criminal who hasn't yet figured out that they have been fooled, and its up to them to right the wrong, he will blame everything else..

[quote]Aaah Maryse, waywards truly are so predictable arent' they? Showing disrespect for your boundaries.

The anger can't last. Especially when the wayward starts to realise it isn't getting him anywhere... it isn't getting him contact with YOU. So then they stop the tantrum, and try to be nice...

See?

I still find Plan B extremely difficult at times (even still, I know some Plan B'ers will shake their heads at that lol). I remind myself that any contact with Gollum will reinforce to him that what he is doing is ok. I know somewhere in Gollum is a piece of my husband who still wants my respect and admiration. Whether my husband can ever defeat the lure of the affair is unknown. Time will tell. Regardless, I will never condone his affair, he will never get approval from me for his actions.

Gollum sent me an email before Christmas. I wanted to read it, I wanted to send him one back. But I realised that either of those actions would reinforce his behaviour is acceptable. That we will come out of this as friends. NEVER!

I don't need friends who stab me in the back, lie about it and walk away whilst I am bleeding on the floor. I have good friends without an unrepetant wayward!

Hmm, depends on what the J stands for...

If it is just his name, be creative Maryse! I am finding a nickname helps me identify that my husband has gone, and I have now named the bodysnatcher in control.

What does he think you are doing here, retiling the kitchen floor?

You guys are right, I need a name to identify the creature who looks and sounds like my husband, but clearly isn't my husband.

Got to give it some thought, but suggestions are most welcome!

Also as of today, I have changed my mobile number and network. My old one was in his name. I've sent a letter to his solicitor asking them to inform WH he can close my mobile account down as I have made 'alternative arrangements'.

That's another avenue closed off for him, he does not get my new number.

I can't deny him access to the house according to my solicitor, as both our names are on the deeds. If I change the locks my WH has the legal right to gain access by breaking down the door or breaking a window, or by whatever other means he sees fit.

Got to come up with an alternative...

Let him then take the bother to decide whether to take his legal right or not.
Stop trying to project his actions.
You only control you.
Stop living in fear of upsetting him.

It's not that, I just don't want to come home to a vandalised house. It's my home, I live here. He doesn't...

In reality, you could always come home to a vandalised house.
Any moment, any day, someone could break in, not just a wayward husband.
I totally understand not wanting to stir the pot and rile him up but how long are you willing to live that way?

Point taken. Just not sure what to do moving forward...
Maybe I should send a letter to his solicitor insisting there is to be no direct contact between him and me. Then it is official, e.g. on record.

Maryse I am in the same boat as you, got the same legal advice and the law on paper is not the same thing as the law in reality.

Do you think there are locksmith police roaming the streets making sure that BWs have the door held open for their WHs? Who is going to enforce his (very tenuous) legal right?

I told my solicitor I had already changed the locks. I said the property was still his if he needed access to it for any (valid) reason but there was no way he was getting in without someone I trust accompanying him. She told me that that was illegal and I should be aware that he can break in.

I then said what should I do if he does that, and she said to call the police but that they may choose to do nothing. (My personal workplace experience with the police is however that they will come out to 'keep the peace' and would prob tell him to leave for the night or he would be arrested)

She said that we would then send a very strongly worded letter that he must respect my privacy and make proper arrangements to access the house. If that didnt work we would look at a restraining order.

But he has never tried. He doesnt want to break in. Because he knows I am serious. He doesnt want broken windows, he wants a gullible BS holding the door open, waiting to let him cake eat.

If he does break in, then do him for criminal damage. His accessing the house by force is still preferable to your allowing him in. Because thats what he wants.

Got an email at work today with the names of newly recruited staff and a name jumped out at me; JP, a former colleague of J's and a guest at our wedding.

Emailed him to say hi, and he responded with surprise that I was working there. Said him and some other ex colleagues had texted and emailed WH inviting him and me to the annual pre-Christmas get-together. WH had not responded to any of them.

Told JP what had happened, and he was gobsmacked. Said he did not recognise the J he'd known for all these years...

Nothing I had not heard or felt myself before, but it was nice to get some (more) validation that I have not lost my mind and that J truly has changed into someone nobody seems to recognise