Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
#2584009 01/11/12 01:37 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
If I handed over all phone, email, facebook and the like passwords to my BS after the A, should I have access to his as well? His blackberry is password protected. It contains proprietary information, I suppose, but I'm not interested in that. Should I press for the password?

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
What's the timeline since your adultery?

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
It's been 2 years but I told him everything 7 months ago. He also deleted a text last night when I asked to see it -from a woman, he lied and then I told him I saw a couple of the messages - his response was work related, hers was about kids- and her name. He then came clean...
we had a long talk about boundaries and sharing personal information after that. I told him I thought we had started clean since July and I haven't lied to him since....

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
How much of the MB marriage building program have you both worked?

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
What is your understanding of POJA?

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
Have the book and are following ALL the requirements... in fact, I thought things were better than ever - we have plenty of time together. He apologized up and down for deleting the text and said he is in love with me and I'm the one he wants to be married to. He just didn't want me to be upset seeing a friendly conversation. I said I'd rather be uncomfortable than have my feelings spared, in light of an authentic relationship.
Thing is, he just proved himself a liar...
POJA: that nothing should happen that we both don't enthusiastically agree upon.


Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
OK

POJA passwords.
All passwords.
Not just yours or his or the phone.

POJA begins with a question:

"What would you feel about this (the choice/decision/proposal) for the password issue ?"



Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by kstockett
Thing is, he just proved himself a liar...

Give him room to self correct .... or give him room to lie again.

Stay engaged in the POJA process.
His attitude will eventually reveal where he truly is.

Get his passwords.
Ask for them.
"For my comfort and well being."

After about a week, smile and gracefully take his phone from his hand and say:

"Let's have a look see."

Then, look see.


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449

Originally Posted by kstockett
His blackberry is password protected.

redflag

Originally Posted by kstockett
He also deleted a text last night when I asked to see it -from a woman, he lied and then I told him I saw a couple of the messages - his response was work related, hers was about kids- and her name.

redflag

Originally Posted by kstockett
He just didn't want me to be upset seeing a friendly conversation.

[this is a lie] redflag

Do you have access to his phone records?

Who is this woman? Coworker? Is she married?

PS - don't tell your H what we are posting to you. For now.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Originally Posted by kstockett
It's been 2 years but I told him everything 7 months ago.

Back in October you posted about seeing the OM at a meeting You never came back and responded to some of those posts. Do you still work with the OM?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2584081 01/11/12 02:44 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
no access to phone records - company owns and pays for the phone.
I have figured out how to search for deleted texts and names using the search feature of the blackberry. The minute he comes home I'm going to ask for his phone again and see what I can find.
Woman is in a related business, married...

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
nope OM moved away and that was the last time I saw him.

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
I'm sitting at work trying not to cry. I'm scared...

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
If crying was a great MB tool, we'd recommend it to everyone

Get up from your desk and literally jump up and down for 60 seconds.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Stay calm. Don't confront him just yet.

If you don't have access to the phone, how did you know he had deleted TMs?

Does he ever give you access to the phone? Enough time to install spyware (flexispy?)? I think you would need about 10-15 minutes to do this...

Have you read up on Plan A? Snoop and at the same time try to meet his needs and stay calm. This could JUST be the start of an EA. You need more information.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2584102 01/11/12 02:59 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
It would be a great idea to get a keylogger on the home computer. Do all the snooping you can.

Do you have his email login information? FB, etc? Have you snooped through these things yet?

Have I made myself clear enough yet? You need to SNOOP!


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2584103 01/11/12 03:00 PM
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449

When did this woman first come onto your radar?

Have there been any other red flags (unaccounted time for your H, change in his appearance, etc)?


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2584104 01/11/12 03:00 PM
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
I picked up the phone by accident. We have the same one. He must have just used it because the lock was off and I saw the text message. I just read a couple things between him and his was work related but hers was more personal about kids. Then, I asked him to bring it to me an hour later and I saw that he had deleted the entire conversation... if it's just the start of an EA then I want to nip it in the bud!
no phone access for me as it's set to lock very quickly..

Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
K
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 103
last night when I read the text was the first time I've heard of her.
no unaccounted for time. He's been the perfect husband and very loving towards me..
He just has been keeping his phone very close to him.
I just printed off her entire facebook friends list. He is not friends with her... we share the same password and I got into his archived messages and saw nothing.

Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (still seeking), 234 guests, and 46 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Torres1986, AE1992, Verota, Quiniferous, LifeGoesOn4Me
71,877 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Deep hurt
by still seeking - 10/06/24 02:43 PM
Was it given to me or us?
by still seeking - 10/06/24 02:20 PM
On the same page...in a bad way
by still seeking - 10/06/24 02:01 PM
My wife’s Affair and how it broke me
by BrainHurts - 10/05/24 12:22 PM
Spying on Wife's phone without getting caught?
by Torres1986 - 10/05/24 04:01 AM
Asking for a friend
by BrainHurts - 10/02/24 10:40 AM
Children
by BrainHurts - 09/28/24 06:19 PM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,610
Posts2,323,438
Members71,877
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2024, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5