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If I handed over all phone, email, facebook and the like passwords to my BS after the A, should I have access to his as well? His blackberry is password protected. It contains proprietary information, I suppose, but I'm not interested in that. Should I press for the password?
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What's the timeline since your adultery?
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It's been 2 years but I told him everything 7 months ago. He also deleted a text last night when I asked to see it -from a woman, he lied and then I told him I saw a couple of the messages - his response was work related, hers was about kids- and her name. He then came clean...
we had a long talk about boundaries and sharing personal information after that. I told him I thought we had started clean since July and I haven't lied to him since....
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How much of the MB marriage building program have you both worked?
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What is your understanding of POJA?
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Have the book and are following ALL the requirements... in fact, I thought things were better than ever - we have plenty of time together. He apologized up and down for deleting the text and said he is in love with me and I'm the one he wants to be married to. He just didn't want me to be upset seeing a friendly conversation. I said I'd rather be uncomfortable than have my feelings spared, in light of an authentic relationship.
Thing is, he just proved himself a liar...
POJA: that nothing should happen that we both don't enthusiastically agree upon.
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OK
POJA passwords.
All passwords.
Not just yours or his or the phone.
POJA begins with a question:
"What would you feel about this (the choice/decision/proposal) for the password issue ?"
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Thing is, he just proved himself a liar... Give him room to self correct .... or give him room to lie again. Stay engaged in the POJA process. His attitude will eventually reveal where he truly is. Get his passwords. Ask for them. "For my comfort and well being." After about a week, smile and gracefully take his phone from his hand and say: "Let's have a look see." Then, look see.
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His blackberry is password protected.  He also deleted a text last night when I asked to see it -from a woman, he lied and then I told him I saw a couple of the messages - his response was work related, hers was about kids- and her name. He just didn't want me to be upset seeing a friendly conversation. [this is a lie] Do you have access to his phone records? Who is this woman? Coworker? Is she married? PS - don't tell your H what we are posting to you. For now.
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It's been 2 years but I told him everything 7 months ago. Back in October you posted about seeing the OM at a meeting You never came back and responded to some of those posts. Do you still work with the OM?
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no access to phone records - company owns and pays for the phone.
I have figured out how to search for deleted texts and names using the search feature of the blackberry. The minute he comes home I'm going to ask for his phone again and see what I can find.
Woman is in a related business, married...
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nope OM moved away and that was the last time I saw him.
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I'm sitting at work trying not to cry. I'm scared...
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If crying was a great MB tool, we'd recommend it to everyone
Get up from your desk and literally jump up and down for 60 seconds.
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Stay calm. Don't confront him just yet.
If you don't have access to the phone, how did you know he had deleted TMs?
Does he ever give you access to the phone? Enough time to install spyware (flexispy?)? I think you would need about 10-15 minutes to do this...
Have you read up on Plan A? Snoop and at the same time try to meet his needs and stay calm. This could JUST be the start of an EA. You need more information.
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It would be a great idea to get a keylogger on the home computer. Do all the snooping you can.
Do you have his email login information? FB, etc? Have you snooped through these things yet?
Have I made myself clear enough yet? You need to SNOOP!
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When did this woman first come onto your radar?
Have there been any other red flags (unaccounted time for your H, change in his appearance, etc)?
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I picked up the phone by accident. We have the same one. He must have just used it because the lock was off and I saw the text message. I just read a couple things between him and his was work related but hers was more personal about kids. Then, I asked him to bring it to me an hour later and I saw that he had deleted the entire conversation... if it's just the start of an EA then I want to nip it in the bud!
no phone access for me as it's set to lock very quickly..
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last night when I read the text was the first time I've heard of her.
no unaccounted for time. He's been the perfect husband and very loving towards me..
He just has been keeping his phone very close to him.
I just printed off her entire facebook friends list. He is not friends with her... we share the same password and I got into his archived messages and saw nothing.
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