I could not agree more.
There is something else going on.
I have a pretty good idea what it might be.
This is not the correct venue for dealing with such issues.

I don't look at porn much at all really. Not at all in months. And I don't check his internet history, but I doubt he does either. He plays PC games.

I've been told it's really not that uncommon for women around 40 to be a hot mess. And for men around 40 to have diminished drive.

Didn't mean to skip that over in all of the responses. I'd be more comfortable talking to a local psychologist that I might be able to talk hubby into visiting with me, than calling in though. Thanks.

Do you suppose that some people might have reasons for some of the rules they live by? Or are all rules just "bad," automatically?

Do you think that people who live in great marriages might have some rules they live by that cause their lifestyle to result in a great marriage?

I most certainly did not, mfal. Are you reading my posts? Should I continue posting to you?

I think this forum truly has nothing to offer you. The purpose of this forum is to help people learn how to use Marriage Builders concepts to save their marriage. Your local psychologist will most likely not know anything about Marriage Builders and will hold many unfounded beliefs that disagree with it.

You had probably best go seek what you want elsewhere.

Dr. Harley can help you with that. You probably can't get your husband to talk to a psychologist, but you probably CAN get a plan from Dr. Harley that will help your marriage.

You're not a happy camper.

Your thread title:


Stop debating 'rules' and begin asking about PLANS to make your marriage better.
Have you read any of the MB books?
Not this website, the MB BOOKS?

Do you want our help?
Or do you want to be left alone to feel ....

"defeated"
"guilty"
"downhill"
"hating life"
and, finally
"idiot"

Stop debating.
Start studying.

I'm not saying I don't agree that there could be a medical problem but I don't understand why would your H not want to get help for it when you describe him as a confident, loving caring H? You told him about the urges and needs you have yet if it was just a medical issue surely there would have been little reluctance on his part to sort it.

I have a feeling it's more than that and I am concerned that you dont seam to be open to the possibility of how porn can adversely affect relationships.

I was just like you 3 years ago, I didn't mind my H watching it and believed I was a good wife because I was open and not nagging him about it ( and he wasnt an addict or anything just occasional porn viewer).

Then I had to learn the hard way to make the connection between his behaviour and his porn viewing. And it did affect our Marriage. Now I take having a boundary over an open mind any day but I had to learn that lesson the hard way.

I'm trying to figure out what I ever said that made you think I oppose all rules.

I'm just saying personally, we are probably not the "average" when it comes to what most may consider normal or regular household marriage rules. For instance, if he was invited to a bachelor party at a strip club, I would not mind him going. He actually did, just a few months ago. He texted me, bored. I was with the bachelorette party at a bar, and got a girl to send him a topless photo of herself, which he replied looked better than any of the employees at the establishment he was visiting. We laugh at that kind of stuff.

We've never had trust issues. That is why the sexting caught me off guard. I haven't had the urge to do something like that before this. I'm completely in the wrong for it. I don't want it to happen again.

Then wouldn't common sense dictate that you stay away from other men and avoid behaving like an alley cat in heat? You lash out at people for being "judgmental" but it is clear you have no judgment at all.

You don't even have the common sense to comprehend that when a man comes onto a married woman it is an indicator he views her as cheap and easy. It is not flattering, it is insulting. But you don't understand that.

nevermind ....

What you call "rules," the est of us consider the simple act of showing love and respect toward our spouses.


So, he's got "rules" on what he has to tell you, and you have "rules" on what information you get to withhold from him if you deem it's in his best interest.


Your husband may very well have a physical problem, but it's just as likely he finds you sexually unattractive or uninteresting because you are overbearing, controlling, and manipulative.

I doubt very seriously your husband shares the rosy picture of your marriage that you claim he does. Matter of fact, put into the context of your entire posting sequence, this comes across as very controlling and manipulative of you to state with such certainty how HE feels about your marriage -- when he is seemingly uninterested in SF with you . . .

I have tried to read it all, but it has been a touch overwhelming, and yes, has set me a bit on the defensive.

Probably best indeed.

I think we are thinking the same thing...

Seriously?

About 2 hours ago, this was posted by a member by the name of Neak.


No worries - even though you didn't read it, someone will that will benefit from it.

Amazingly enough, right now we are more worried about your victim's life-threatening injury than the unhealthy behaviors he will someday need to change.

Sorry, I did see that, but I was referring to everyone that was saying that *my* flirting was the big problem in him not wanting me.

Maybe when I say "flirting" some of you picture "alley cat in heat" but it's not like that. It's fun, playful, silly, not serious and not physical. His friends hug me, pick me up off the ground. One of my girlfriends might grab me and call me sexy... pretty much everything I was told about men is that they'd not hate that.

I came here feeling guilty and looking for hope. I admittedly felt defensive after not many posts. I am frustrated but not angry at any of you.

It's hard to explain everything that's happened to us in the past year in a few posts. There is more to it, of course. But I think this is played out.

Mfal,

People on this forum give advice based on what information you provide but also based on their own painful experiences as well as their marriage triumphs.

The end goal is the same they ALL want you to have a happy and healthy marriage.

There are many things that they spot without the need for you to actually go into details of specific past behaviours, they can figure out what happened and what will happen because they have a great deal of experience in helping people be in a happy marriage.

What matters is how you are behaving right now and unfortunately there are so so many red flags in your marriage at the moment.

For example I can understand how flirting can be fun but this playful feeling might give you 10-20 seconds of fun and have subconscious side effects that aren't good and will lead to harm. So 10 seconds of fun can eventually ruin a lifetime of good marriage. You can't see this because you haven't been been extreamly burned clearly enough by it but then You don't need to touch a fire in order to realise it will harm you. Being cautios is much better than getting burned and this is what people on here mean by having boundaries.

Your boundaries are not good and your here today seeking help as a result of that. So please take time to consider that if you don't agree then I wish you luck. If you do agree I hope that you will find the strength to make the changes.

Maybe if your husband knew the name of the OM, you'd feel less inclined for it to happen again. Of course, for him to actually have that information would mean that he would have some say in his marriage which may offer you further incentive to never let it happen again.

Something's bugging me...is this OM related to either you or your husband? And that's "related" in the loosest sense of the word so that no loopholes are open. It includes step/half siblings, cousins, etc.

The truth, mfal, is that your husband probably senses more about you than you think. If perfect strangers on the internet can get a feeling for you, then someone living with you can probably sense much more so.


Your husband probably knows what is missing, too. But he might not want it back.