|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
mfal, I repeat my suggestion that you need more help than this forum can offer alone, and I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to Dr. Harley for free. I could not agree more. There is something else going on. I have a pretty good idea what it might be. This is not the correct venue for dealing with such issues.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 57
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 57 |
Are you seriously saying that you DON'T see a connection between you watching porn and thinking about sex all the time?
And you DON'T see the connection between your husband watching porn and loosing interest in being intimate with you?
Seriously take 10 seconds to thing about it, the connection should hit home soon......
Anything??? I don't look at porn much at all really. Not at all in months. And I don't check his internet history, but I doubt he does either. He plays PC games. I've been told it's really not that uncommon for women around 40 to be a hot mess. And for men around 40 to have diminished drive.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 57
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 57 |
mfal, I repeat my suggestion that you need more help than this forum can offer alone, and I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to Dr. Harley for free. Didn't mean to skip that over in all of the responses. I'd be more comfortable talking to a local psychologist that I might be able to talk hubby into visiting with me, than calling in though. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
mfal, the derogatory way you keep referring to "rules" intrigues me. I don't make any rules for your life, nor does this forum. Do you just not like rules in general? I was referring to the rules other people must have in their lives that I was never privy to ... like, flirting has no place in marriage. I'm sure many of you have rules about porn. I don't. I don't care if he looks. He doesn't care if I look. But I'm pretty sure that someone here will instantly say that neither of us should ever look at porn again, because that's in their rule book. Do you suppose that some people might have reasons for some of the rules they live by? Or are all rules just "bad," automatically? Do you think that people who live in great marriages might have some rules they live by that cause their lifestyle to result in a great marriage?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
She's flirting to get her husbands attention.
And I agree that it sounds as if her husband is clinically depressed. He's definitely depressed. Again, I've tried getting him to see a doctor AND a psychologist. I have tried and tried. And everyone cheerfully skipped over the part where I mentioned that he flirts too. I most certainly did not, mfal. Are you reading my posts? Should I continue posting to you?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
mfal, I repeat my suggestion that you need more help than this forum can offer alone, and I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to Dr. Harley for free. Didn't mean to skip that over in all of the responses. I'd be more comfortable talking to a local psychologist that I might be able to talk hubby into visiting with me, than calling in though. Thanks. I think this forum truly has nothing to offer you. The purpose of this forum is to help people learn how to use Marriage Builders concepts to save their marriage. Your local psychologist will most likely not know anything about Marriage Builders and will hold many unfounded beliefs that disagree with it. You had probably best go seek what you want elsewhere.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Again, I've tried getting him to see a doctor AND a psychologist. I have tried and tried. Dr. Harley can help you with that. You probably can't get your husband to talk to a psychologist, but you probably CAN get a plan from Dr. Harley that will help your marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Former MB success story.
Now I'm just ... defeated.
I had an emotional affair.
Started out as friendly chat messages that turned flirty, that turned into something near cyber/sexting I guess. Felt guilty and told my husband. Ended it.
Pretty much went downhill from there. Couldn't stop thinking about the way I felt when someone else wanted me.
I am still friends with the other person. Husband knows I am friends with him but doesn't know he is the one I had the (one-sided) EA with.
Hating life.
Not expecting sympathy here. Just saying ... I wasn't looking for it. I knew hubby and I had problems and I was trying to work on them but that was also a one-sided battle. This came at me out of nowhere. :l You're not a happy camper. Your thread title:Stop debating 'rules' and begin asking about PLANS to make your marriage better. Have you read any of the MB books? Not this website, the MB BOOKS? Do you want our help? Or do you want to be left alone to feel .... "defeated" "guilty" "downhill" "hating life"and, finally "idiot"Stop debating. Start studying.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155 |
I'm not saying I don't agree that there could be a medical problem but I don't understand why would your H not want to get help for it when you describe him as a confident, loving caring H? You told him about the urges and needs you have yet if it was just a medical issue surely there would have been little reluctance on his part to sort it.
I have a feeling it's more than that and I am concerned that you dont seam to be open to the possibility of how porn can adversely affect relationships.
I was just like you 3 years ago, I didn't mind my H watching it and believed I was a good wife because I was open and not nagging him about it ( and he wasnt an addict or anything just occasional porn viewer).
Then I had to learn the hard way to make the connection between his behaviour and his porn viewing. And it did affect our Marriage. Now I take having a boundary over an open mind any day but I had to learn that lesson the hard way.
Last edited by NB28; 01/11/12 01:25 PM.
BW 36(Me) WS 38 Married: 2000 DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014 PA Duration September 08 - November 08 Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 57
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 57 |
Do you suppose that some people might have reasons for some of the rules they live by? Or are all rules just "bad," automatically?
Do you think that people who live in great marriages might have some rules they live by that cause their lifestyle to result in a great marriage? I'm trying to figure out what I ever said that made you think I oppose all rules. I'm just saying personally, we are probably not the "average" when it comes to what most may consider normal or regular household marriage rules. For instance, if he was invited to a bachelor party at a strip club, I would not mind him going. He actually did, just a few months ago. He texted me, bored. I was with the bachelorette party at a bar, and got a girl to send him a topless photo of herself, which he replied looked better than any of the employees at the establishment he was visiting. We laugh at that kind of stuff. We've never had trust issues. That is why the sexting caught me off guard. I haven't had the urge to do something like that before this. I'm completely in the wrong for it. I don't want it to happen again.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
[quote=NB28]Are you seriously saying that you DON'T see a connection between you watching porn and thinking about sex all the time?
And you DON'T see the connection between your husband watching porn and loosing interest in being intimate with you?
Seriously take 10 seconds to thing about it, the connection should hit home soon......
Anything??? Then wouldn't common sense dictate that you stay away from other men and avoid behaving like an alley cat in heat? You lash out at people for being "judgmental" but it is clear you have no judgment at all. You don't even have the common sense to comprehend that when a man comes onto a married woman it is an indicator he views her as cheap and easy. It is not flattering, it is insulting. But you don't understand that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 274
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 274 |
What you call "rules," the est of us consider the simple act of showing love and respect toward our spouses. If he has a problem with his friends flirting with me, or me flirting with his friends, or with my female friends (in fun) then he has a responsibility of telling me that. So, he's got "rules" on what he has to tell you, and you have "rules" on what information you get to withhold from him if you deem it's in his best interest. Your husband may very well have a physical problem, but it's just as likely he finds you sexually unattractive or uninteresting because you are overbearing, controlling, and manipulative. I doubt very seriously your husband shares the rosy picture of your marriage that you claim he does. Matter of fact, put into the context of your entire posting sequence, this comes across as very controlling and manipulative of you to state with such certainty how HE feels about your marriage -- when he is seemingly uninterested in SF with you . . .
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 57
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 57 |
I think this forum truly has nothing to offer you. The purpose of this forum is to help people learn how to use Marriage Builders concepts to save their marriage. Your local psychologist will most likely not know anything about Marriage Builders and will hold many unfounded beliefs that disagree with it.
You had probably best go seek what you want elsewhere. I have tried to read it all, but it has been a touch overwhelming, and yes, has set me a bit on the defensive. Probably best indeed.
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621
Member
|
Member
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 2,621 |
mfal, I repeat my suggestion that you need more help than this forum can offer alone, and I encourage you to take advantage of the opportunity to talk to Dr. Harley for free. I could not agree more. There is something else going on. I have a pretty good idea what it might be. This is not the correct venue for dealing with such issues. I think we are thinking the same thing...
"Never forget that your pain means nothing to a WS." ~Mulan
"An ethical man knows it is wrong to cheat on his wife. A moral man will not actually do it." ~ Ducky
WS: They are who they are.
When an eel lunges out And it bites off your snout Thats a moray ~DS
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179 |
And everyone cheerfully skipped over the part where I mentioned that he flirts too. My girlfriends flirt with him. His female friends flirt with him. I don't have a problem with it because I know he's attractive and I know he's mine. Seriously? About 2 hours ago, this was posted by a member by the name of Neak. If your M is to truly succeed, your BH will need to stop flirting as well, and tighten up his own boundaries around women. That should be at the very, very bottom of your worry list right now.
You clean up your own side of the street. It's the only side you can control. Right now it's just as messy as if you'd had a PA. You need all the same steps as if it was a PA.
Don't kid yourself. This is way more than "dirty fantasies". You can make it through this, as long as you take the steps to heal. Radical Honesty, No Contact, Extraordinary Precautions. No worries - even though you didn't read it, someone will that will benefit from it. Amazingly enough, right now we are more worried about your victim's life-threatening injury than the unhealthy behaviors he will someday need to change.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 57
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 57 |
Seriously? About 2 hours ago, this was posted by a member by the name of Neak. If your M is to truly succeed, your BH will need to stop flirting as well, and tighten up his own boundaries around women. That should be at the very, very bottom of your worry list right now. Sorry, I did see that, but I was referring to everyone that was saying that *my* flirting was the big problem in him not wanting me. Maybe when I say "flirting" some of you picture "alley cat in heat" but it's not like that. It's fun, playful, silly, not serious and not physical. His friends hug me, pick me up off the ground. One of my girlfriends might grab me and call me sexy... pretty much everything I was told about men is that they'd not hate that. I came here feeling guilty and looking for hope. I admittedly felt defensive after not many posts. I am frustrated but not angry at any of you. It's hard to explain everything that's happened to us in the past year in a few posts. There is more to it, of course. But I think this is played out.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,155 |
Mfal,
People on this forum give advice based on what information you provide but also based on their own painful experiences as well as their marriage triumphs.
The end goal is the same they ALL want you to have a happy and healthy marriage.
There are many things that they spot without the need for you to actually go into details of specific past behaviours, they can figure out what happened and what will happen because they have a great deal of experience in helping people be in a happy marriage.
What matters is how you are behaving right now and unfortunately there are so so many red flags in your marriage at the moment.
For example I can understand how flirting can be fun but this playful feeling might give you 10-20 seconds of fun and have subconscious side effects that aren't good and will lead to harm. So 10 seconds of fun can eventually ruin a lifetime of good marriage. You can't see this because you haven't been been extreamly burned clearly enough by it but then You don't need to touch a fire in order to realise it will harm you. Being cautios is much better than getting burned and this is what people on here mean by having boundaries.
Your boundaries are not good and your here today seeking help as a result of that. So please take time to consider that if you don't agree then I wish you luck. If you do agree I hope that you will find the strength to make the changes.
Last edited by NB28; 01/11/12 01:56 PM. Reason: Correcting predicative text flaws
BW 36(Me) WS 38 Married: 2000 DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014 PA Duration September 08 - November 08 Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653 |
I haven't had the urge to do something like that before this. I'm completely in the wrong for it. I don't want it to happen again. Maybe if your husband knew the name of the OM, you'd feel less inclined for it to happen again. Of course, for him to actually have that information would mean that he would have some say in his marriage which may offer you further incentive to never let it happen again. Something's bugging me...is this OM related to either you or your husband? And that's "related" in the loosest sense of the word so that no loopholes are open. It includes step/half siblings, cousins, etc.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653 |
The truth, mfal, is that your husband probably senses more about you than you think. If perfect strangers on the internet can get a feeling for you, then someone living with you can probably sense much more so. I know what's missing. And I want it back. Your husband probably knows what is missing, too. But he might not want it back.
Me (BH) FWW Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
0 members (),
551
guests, and
58
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,618
Posts2,323,473
Members71,916
|
Most Online3,185 Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|