Whoops, my bad.

That's what I get for not getting enough sleep! 2x4 me!

Simple mistake. No biggie.

I don't recall a thread which generated this amount of activity in such a short time. To try to get a perspective on what the alleged purpose of all this is, I went back to read the thing from the beginning. Actually, I only had to read the first, initiating posting:

Former MB success story....Now I'm just...defeated...I had an emotional affair...Started out as friendly chat messages that turned flirty, that turned into something near cyber/sexting I guess. Felt guilty and told my husband. Ended it...Pretty much went downhill from there. Couldn't stop thinking about the way I felt when someone else wanted me...I am still friends with the other person. Husband knows I am friends with him but doesn't know he is the one I had the (one-sided) EA with...Hating life...Not expecting sympathy here. Just saying ... I wasn't looking for it. I knew hubby and I had problems and I was trying to work on them but that was also a one-sided battle. This came at me out of nowhere. :l

Did anyone else notice that there is no request here? Everything is a statement of fact. Ms. Mfal is not going to accept any guides to improvement because she's basically using her post as a surrogate to (indirectly) complain about what is TRULY bothering her, and that is HER HUSBAND IS NOT ABLE/WILLING TO INITIATE/PARTICIPATE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH HER TO HER DESIRED LEVEL!

Those MB-disciples among us can rail and protest against her lack of remorse about having sexual fantasies about, and sharing inappropriate texts with, Mr. Mystery Man, but it will all be to no avail. That is NOT her complaint, so she feels no compulsion to adjust her actions to "fix" what she does not feel is broken. (If Mr. Mfal were here, we might be able to offer advice, but.....)

Straight up, Mfal, does this about sum it up?

WE have rewritten the fact that you have lied to your husband about your affair? Then give us the facts to dispute that. I see nowhere you told your husband about your affair and gave him the name of the OM. Link please.

The "first steps" would to be honest. I don't see that here.

It sounds to me he is simply not able to or otherwise can't. Might be mental or trust related, but is more likely physiology based.

I think so much interest was generated because the poster is a 2nd time MB'er. IMO, any time a former poster returns, we all kind of have the assumption that okay, maybe they didn't get it the first time, but since they should already be familiar with the concepts, this THIS time, they will get it.

They don't always, but hey, we can hope.

I wasn't aware of this until today. My advice to her remains the same.

Yes, I did notice this. But so what? It is not relevant to me because I know why she is complaining about the lack of sexual activity. She is doing so because her goal is to blame her husband for the troubles in her marriage. Just as she did when she had an affair in her LAST marriage. It was all her H's fault, of course, because he was "abusing" her and not doing any good need meetin.'

So I am fully aware that she is not here to address her affair, but rather to get VALIDATION to sweep it under the rug, deceive her husband and shift the blame to him. The problem with board members here is that they SEE RIGHT THROUGH that ploy so it is not working for her.

Her marriage has no hope of recovery if we focus on the WRONG PROBLEM. First her affair has to be addressed and THEN we can address the need meetin.' I don't care if she is not open to addressing the truth, she won't EVER be open to it if no one brings it up.

This is her second rodeo so if she doesn't get it this time, she will never get it.

Okay, maybe I'm a little slow here, so help out a newbie if you would please, or anyone else for that matter please feel free to chime in on my question.

It's well documented that she's been here before. Logic would dictate that she is (at least somewhat) versed in the MB concepts of radical honesty. She didn't listen the first time and is back yet again.

Why would a person that is so entirely(and OBVIOUSLY)selfish, entitled, self rightous, etc. etc. come back to a place seeking advice from a forum that she KNOWS has a successful path and plan for recovery when she is already well aware of the fact that she doesn't have it in her to do the right thing for true recovery to begin with?????

Maybe it's just me...when I hear good advice, I listen and heed.

Aside from the fact I may have just made the longest run-on sentence (paragraph) in MB history, am I missing something here?

Go back and read her old posts and you will see WHY. [when she was ex_princess] The one poster who had the NERVE to point out that mfal was a "WS" was shouted down, called out and quickly shut up. Other posters told mfal to ignore Nellie for being so "judgemental" and mean. And she did ignore mean ole Nellie!

Board members rallied around mfal and helped her sweep her affair under the rug. ["you go, girl!" squeek!] I think mfal might have even posted at some time on the TOW, gloryb board for loud and proud cheaters.

So, she came here expecting this was the kind of board that would rally around her and validate her for being a liar and a cheater. That is what she got in the past so she had reason to believe it would be the same this time.

In my first week on Marriage Builders back in 2001, I was called out and put down for making "dispectful judgments" against waywards for telling a FWH that it was refreshing to see a truly remorseful WS here. A WW started a call out thread to set me straight. Waywards were treated like little princesses here and betrayed spouses were told to shut up when they said anything derogatory about adultery. THAT is the world that mfal expected to see when she returned.

The fact that she was here before means nothing. What she is, or is not, willing to do NOW means everything.

We get many posters who come here who ignore, demean or criticize our advice. Often they will leave after realizing that we won't buy what they're selling. They realize that we're not suckers. They often come back, because on a level they know what they're doing is wrong. They need help and often fight it, much like a drowning person fighting the person who is trying to save them.

I believe this speaks volumes. Very astute observation


I'll check it out. I read some, but not a whole lot about her...uh, plight. But this would explain the WHY she came back here part of it.

She's obviously not seeking help. As you said Mel, she's seeking validation. Well, she won't find it here anymore, that's for DAMNED sure.

ETA: Oh, and thanks for the responses ladies

So I am fully aware that she is not here to address her affair, but rather to get VALIDATION to sweep it under the rug, deceive her husband and shift the blame to him.

Sorry, ML, I'm not going to cut her as much slack as you are!

She is BRAGGING, not STRESSING, about her EA (PA?). She wants to let us all know that SHE HAS THE ANSWERS. My first note attempted to make the point that there is no solution we can provide her, nothing that she needs from us, because she knows she does not have a problem. Her initiating note was a status report, admittedly tinged with just enough of "Oh, woe is me," to get responses. And holy cow, did she get responses! (I am reminded of those idiots who staged the weather-balloon crisis with their son supposedly on board!)

What she is attempting to tell us is that her life is not working out really great, and if she wanted to, she could do the infidelity tango with POSOM, but she's really much more ethical than that, and it's not her fault anyway.

Deliciously pathological, I would aver! (Read this quick, before someone sends the mods to blot me out!)

Anyway, the one thing she got right is an absolutely appropriate title to her thread!

NG, understanding your take on this poster's thread, I am amazed at the time and effort you have put into your response.

Just typing "This one's a loser" would have been ever so much faster, don'tcha think?

Probably, but not as personally satisfying!

(Yeah, yeah, I know - it's not supposed to be about me, but....)

ok, neighbor!!

LOL!

I'm still a bit new here, so may not fully understand how TOS is enforced.

This poster is adamantly opposed to the MB principles of, at the very least, NC and radical honesty. The marriage she is describing with her husband, which she intends to defend to the death, does not practice MB principles and she is loudly proclaiming she has no intention to implement MB principles.

I agree with NG. The originator seems to be bragging, reveling in the power she wields over her husband in the relationship and getting much satisfaction from the rightful indignation from the MB supporters on her thread. This has turned into a forum that is simply argumentative and is not promoting the MB program. While it may not cross the line of actively arguing in support of infidelity, she is certainly arguing in support of a lifestyle that leads to infidelity, as evidenced by her return here following her second affair.

It seems I've seen threads shut down over this much more quickly than I'm seeing here. What's the deal, vets? Isn't this a candidate for a locked thread? If not, why not?

True attempt to educate myself here. Thanks in advance.

OWH, we see this sort of poster come through here fairly frequently. At this point I doubt the mods are getting involved because no real TOS has been violated.

This sort of thread is good for lurkers to read - we've got a lot of unfaithful lurkers out there. This thread will either dwindle away to nothing as the members stop posting when they see that the poster really doesn't want help. Or someone may get into a squabble with the poster and the mods will just lock the thread to stop the nonsense.

I do believe the thread has reached a point of diminishing returns, though.

Either way, I'm hoping someone got something out of this. If not the thread starter, perhaps a lurker.

So true. And to those lurkers who want to post, some of them may have learned what won't be tolerated by board members. Unless they are willing to become repentant, and do the work, they won't find a suitable place here.