I just wanted to say what a great site this is, it has really brought a lot of clarity to what my wife and I need to do to revitalize our marriage.

We're not as bad off as some couples might be but, there is no doubt that over the past several years our emotional intimacy took a huge hit. I was under a serious cloud of depression, (not without some breaks of light, but still bad) I have made a major recovery, but just getting to that point was like an alcoholic hitting rock bottom, and I have to give my wife credit for holding me accountable for my behavior which really motivated me to change. So in looking for resources, I found this site, and it blew my mind in it's essential simplicity.
I see elements of social exchange theory, and many other sociological phenomena, beyond the psychological aspects of it.
Anyway the material is presented in such a straightforward manner that it is accessable to anyone, and that is key, because the core here is that the partners in any marriage must be able to understand each other, and work together to reach their mutual goals.
We have recently begun couples therapy, and an interesting thing that the counseler told us, is that often the only time couple work at their relationship is when they are in a session, and they may not even talk outside of that forum. So it seems to me that whatever the counselers style of solving marital issues may be, the key is the willingness to hold the couple accountable for doing the work.

Hi Alan, welcome to Marriage Builders! You will discover that MB is completely different than traditional counseling. He explains the differences here and here.

That is really a sad statement about married couples but very true. Harley does not counsel couples together because it is so damaging to the relationship. When couples in conflict counsel together, they spend the hour criticizing each other, which FURTHER erodes the love in the marriage. They leave the session more angry than when they went in.

One of the first things Dr Harley does is get a couple's committment to spend 15 to 20 hours together meeting each others emotional needs out on dates and doing his lessons. If they won't do that, he tells them to find another counselor because no program will work without that step.

Harley's main goal is to restore the romantic love, whereas traditional counselors work on "communication" and conflict resolution. The problem is that even the best communicators get divorced when they are not in love. Couples who are in love don't get divorced.

I will attest to that from my own MC experience. My husband seemed to feel that attending the sessions was supposed to make everything better. But once the hour was up, everything was status quo. I likened it to sitting on the couch each week with a bowl of ice cream watching The Biggest Loser and then wondering why one hasn't lost 20 lbs. by the end of the season.

Yep. I think as I was talking to the therapist another downfall of traditional marriage counseling vis-a-vis the concept of a marriage coach, is that therapists will generally only take an active role if they are asked to do so.

It seems that the key aspect that would make any marriage counseler more effective is to give "homework" so to speak, then hold the couple accountable for completeing it. The reaserch done by John Gottman also carries this out, in that work is required, and if it's not done, it's a guaranteed road to failure.

The Harleys take a very directive approach that guides the couples through the lessons. And the lessons are done at home. If the lesson is not completed as instructed, Dr Harley does not move forward with the couple until they complete it. The success or failure of the program is contingent on the completion of the program.

So, you're saying that if a plan for success is not followed, it won't succeed.

Um...yeah...I think that's pretty obvious...no offense...

Rather that if you fail to plan, you plan to fail.

I wonder perhaps if many people who seek counseling are not truly committed to restoring their lives together, only in doing it just so they can say they tried everything.