I was married for 17 yrs to a lying, cheating, womanizing, emotional abuser. I never thought I would be interested in dating and I'm not really sure I am except that I feel like something is missing. My ex didn't do anything to make me feel special and constantly made me feel like I wasn't worth anything so how I could feel like something is missing when I never had it to begin with I don't know.

I've been approached by several ppl but they weren't what I was looking for so I declined. Recently I re-met an old friend and we seemed to like each other. However, he started school this week and we've had little contact (he lives 4 hrs. away as well). I don't know that we would be compatible and I'm not sure I even want to go down that road BUT I keep obsessing about the situation. I don't know if I've figured it out or not, but I think I feel rejection if doesn't call or if he's not interested enough to try a relationship. I don't want to be dependent on my emotions or how someone else makes me feel.

I know if it's meant to be then it will all work out but why do I keep obsessing about it? Or about other ppl? It's like I look at a man and ask myself what if? Would he be interested? I'm hoping this is a stage of my healing but I'm really afraid I'm abnormal in this. I really want to be happy with the life I have now and enjoy my children. The poison is out of my life and I have a GOOD life. I just feel sorry for myself when I go out in public. I know ppl aren't looking at me and feeling sorry for me but I just struggle with being alone. Not that I'm lonely persay but maybe I struggle with being odd (single = odd?).

And if this doesn't work out I don't know that I want to put myself out there to try again. I wonder if I need more healing time? I'm thinking of going to a counselor. We separated in 9/10 and our divorce was FINALLY final in 10/11.

OK, so has anyone else dealt with this kinda crap? lol Just let me know if I need to invest in that padded room I've been thinking about.

YES I HAVE. It sounds like you miss being married. Not your ex, but the idea of being married. I don't know any divorced person who hasn't at some point. The dating world is scary, and any chance to avoid it seems attractive.

The problem is, you're going to have at least one rebound, and almost certainly several. Your first "relationship" out of the gate is going to crash and burn, sooner rather than later...and that's ok. You need rebounds, because you have issues/baggage you probably don't even know you have until you date someone. Rebounds are learning tools, and they help give you a thicker skin.

You are also VERY newly single. You are going to experience a roller coaster ride for a couple of years. Wonderful highs and awful lows. Remember the lows will pass, and learn from them.

Most importantly, do not settle. Too many divorced people tend to cling to the first person who will have them, so they can "escape" the big, scary dating world...especially when it's someone they already know. It's easy, convenient, and relatively non-threatening. It almost never works. Throw in the long distance factor and sorry...there isn't a snowball's chance it's going to work long-term.

Enjoy being single and dating new people. Date around. Date many people of all types. That doesn't necessarily mean have sex with them, obviously. Figure out what your "type" is, then go on dates with people who aren't that. Don't look at every date as potential spouse material. Just relax and have fun. That's the whole point.

Some of the worst dates I've been on were AWESOME. It's like being in a bad sitcom...I literally sat back and took in the entertainment, knowing I could tell the story to my friends for months after.

There was the lady who liked to chew on her hairless cat, but that's for another topic.

Oh, prissanna, what you're going through is completely normal. You are obsessing about it because you want what everyone wants--to love and to be loved. I went through a stage where I assessed every man I met as a potential new husband. If a man was even kind to me, it felt odd and I didn't know what to do with those feelings. My ex-husband was a lot like yours, so I understand about how he made you feel unworthy to receive good things.

I separated from my ex-husband in August of '09, filed for divorce in November of that year, and the divorce was final in March of '11. Now that it's been nearly a year, I realize more and more that healing takes time.

I am in a DivorceCare group. DC materials say that it takes one year to heal for every 4 years of marriage. I don't necessarily agree with that, but I certainly believe that it takes time....and it takes more time than most people think.

You really need to be cautious at this point in your life. I have met several people going through a second divorce because they married again too quickly.

As far as feeling rejected...just don't go there. Men are different from women and will not start a relationship if they feel the timing is wrong. If this guy is going to school, it may be the wrong time for him. Nothing to do with you.

I'd suggest that you look for a DivorceCare or some other kind of divorce recovery group and concentrate on being a good mom for now. In six months, you'll be in a much better place emotionally.

Good point. I look at other couples and feel sorry for myself. I hear a man on TV tell his wife he loves her and I think I'll never have that. It can get depressing. I have enough sense to know that every couple I see aren't 100% happy. I have a friend who loves her husband but they are living in two different towns because she hates her step-kids and they hate her. Who wants that???? Even my parents who seem to have the perfect marriage have issues. My Dad stifles my Mom and she has no alone time. I love my life now - except for these times when I feel like I'm not good enough.


I've read this before but I was hoping it wouldn't apply to me. I don't want to date around and find the right person. I want him to fall in my lap. I don't want to put myself out there for potential hurt. I get too caught up in the what ifs to ever be OK with dating for fun.



What I don't understand about myself is that in a way, I would be settling if this relationship worked UNLESS there were some major changes. I didn't think I would EVER settle after what I've been through. I finally got poison out of my life. Why would I risk putting something back in it that might not be good for me? I'm not saying he is a bad person. He is a wonderfully sweet guy who meets many of my needs, but we are from different backgrounds and not compatible in those areas. However, I keep remembering stuff we talked about and things he said/did and I think he's so sweet and what if .... it drives me insane! I'm sure as a guy he probably doesn't even think about me OR remember anything I said/did. lol

Here's a for instance I just remembered. We were talking about preferences and he told me something about him he thought I should know. Said some girls freaked when they found out (it's a little weird so I won't go there). I'm like that's strange but I'll put that question on my next application. He said what application? I said my dating application. He's like I thought I was getting an exclusive interview. I told him I had to keep mah options open. (Good answer right?) But why do I obsess over these stupid little things?

I truly think he's not interested because he told me the other night that I could do so much better than him. Maybe that's a hint for me to move on? Gosh I don't like this mess.

I keep telling myself if we never talk again it doesn't matter because hearing from him doesn't make me a better or more desirable person. He doesn't define me - I define myself.


Oh please do share this one!

I appreciate your comments and wisdom. I was apprehensive about putting myself out there because some message boards can make you feel stupid for being who you are.

Thank you so much for being honest! I thought I probably needed some serious mental help because of these feelings! lol I've even looked at undesirable ppl and thought is that what I'm going to have to have one day? Stupid thing is, I don't have to HAVE anybody. I just can't keep these thoughts under control and it's driving me insane!


Yeah, he told me if I didn't hear from him in a few days or if I needed to talk to feel free to call him any time. It's just that I don't think right now I need that in my life and it might cause me to obsess even more. He's just a good all around guy with alot of friends. The other day he was carting around a user in his apartment complex because he didn't want to be ugly to him. I'm thinking what if he feels the same way about me? He'll talk to me because he doesn't know how to say I don't have time for you? I analyze things way too much. I've worried about things I've said and how he might have perceived them. It's crazy. He said some stuff that I'm still in shock over and it hasn't made me like him less. lol

I prefer that he make the contact - at least I will know he is thinking of me. I'm not trying to play games, I just don't want to be too forward. And truthfully I think I need to find myself before I even think of a relationship. I'm trying to stay away from my phone and FB which is where we talk. I become obsessed with checking it to see if he's commented on FB or commented to me about something. I don't want this for my life! I want to enjoy life!


There are no such groups around here at this time. That's why I've thought about counseling.

Maybe we can compare ex-husband stories. lol They might just be brothers.

Prissanna,

It sounds like you are focusing on this one guy WAY too much. I promise you, 2 years down the road you are going to look back at yourself today and think, "Wow. I had no idea what the hell I was doing".

You may not be ready to date at all, and there's no way you're ready for a serious one-on-one relationship. I suggest you date, date, date as many people as you can get to buy you dinner*...but don't be exclusive with anyone for at least another year.

*If you're ready to date at all, of course.

I'm already at this point. lol It won't take 2 years for me to be wondering that.

I don't know if this obsessive thing is my personality (which scares the crap out of me if it is) or if it's because I was beat down so bad in my marriage that I'm scared of everything.

See if this makes sense. I liked the idea of having him there (in my head) knowing that I had a connection with someone. It didn't make me feel so out of place in public. Maybe it's just the idea of someone? Makes me feel better about myself?

Ya'll have helped so much.

Yes, it makes sense. Divorce can leave you feeling disconnected and isolated sometimes.

I'm here to share whatever knowledge I've gained in the last 3 years.

What you are pondering is completely normal. You want a relationship. You don't want to go through what you'd likely have to go through to find a good one. But this guy has issues. Telling you you could do better than him bespeaks low self-esteem and trust me, that's not healthy in a relationship. You don't want to have to spend the rest of your life reassuring him. He does sound like he is a nice person, but that's not enough. There's a lot of nice people, that doesn't in itself make them the one for you. Think about what kind of qualities you'd want in someone...what are the deal breakers, what are your preferences? Make lists. Refer to your lists now and then and if someone you're dating isn't matching with your list, move on. Sometimes our emotions or desires can mess with our good sense and we need brought back to reality. As was stated earlier, go out and have a good time without viewing each person as a potential mate. And avoid people with hairless cats!

kaycstamper, can you edit that "don't settle" line so that it will divide in half or something? It's messing up my browser.

Am I the only person that doesn't want to 'date around'? I think my issue with this is that I'll fall for someone easily (duh!) and they might not feel the same way and there is more rejection. Or I'll get hurt. I don't need any more hurt.

Honestly when I first separated from ex I told myself I would NEVER need a man or want to date. But I just find something missing so I'm not sure that's true. However, I want to be content with my life as it is. I have a GOOD life now. Why can't I be happy with that? And am I going to freaking obsess over every relationship that comes my way or will this pass????? Why can't I live in the here and now?

I keep telling myself to enjoy this situation I'm in. I have a FINE looking man flirting with me - telling me he's attracted to me. What better way to boost my self-esteem than to just be happy with that. Instead I've got to OVERTHINK this. I also keep telling myself if I never hear from him again (he comments/flirts/likes on things I post on FB but I haven't 'heard' from him since Wed.), it doesn't make me less of a person. If I do hear from him again, it doesn't make me a better person.

Will I ever stop this craziness that goes on in my head? I'm tired of looking on FB or wondering if he's going to make contact. If he wanted to make contact, he would. He hasn't so ... get over yourself. lol

Prissanna, I don't want to "date around" either, but everything I read tells me that's the best thing to do. Dr. Harley says that you should date several people (30, I think?) to help you get a feel for exactly what/who you're looking for. Also, if you're checking out LOTS of people you are less likely to obsess over one man because you realize that he is not the only fish in the sea.

Should I pick the next 30 ppl I see then? lol I honestly don't know of 30 ppl that I would consider dating. I'm going back into hibernation. This is too complicated!!! I liked it better when I wanted to remain single. I liked it better before this person came back into my life. I liked it better when a boring weekend without the kids was fun and I got stuff done. Now I'm scared to be at home by myself for fear of driving myself insane.

I don't date at all and have no desire to. After going through so much hurt, I just don't want another relationship. I've resigned myself to living my life out alone...I don't rule out someone in my life, I'm just not looking for it AT ALL! I don't feel like all of the stress that comes with it. I was happily married once, he died. I don't feel like going through that kind of loss again either. And I'm very independent, not sure I'd want to go through what it takes to have a relationship. Nothing wrong with that!

Prissanna,

I'm going to preface this by saying I am not a vet and have little experience with this, as I am in the same boat as you.

I have to respectfully disagree with Krazy about "date, date, date." This is because you have kids. If they're anything like I was (my mom and dad split when I was your kids age and I lived with my mom), they don't want to see their mom going through a revolving door dating different guys. Plus dating for adults has different implications than is does for kids. Next thing you know one of your dates is staying the night. Not good for the kids. They don't like it, they're uncomfortable, and it sets a bad example. Not saying you're going to do this, but it could happen if you're not deliberate in your approach to and planning of post divorce life. By the way, my mom tells me all the time that she regrets deeply the path she took after her divorce.

If its any consolation, I feel your pain. I've been lonely in marriage these past four years and the finalization of the divorce is just a few months away. The need for love and affection is very strong in me as I too am love starved. Truthfully, I don't know what the heck I'm going to do to fill the void either. A part of me is still holding onto hope for reconciliation with my STBX, even after the divorce. Anyway, I may do nothing to fill the void. I want to be strong and hold off on a relationship until my girls are out of the house. I don't think I can meet the needs of my children and a demanding career while starting a new relationship at the same time. Its one thing to spend 15 hours of uninterrupted time with a spouse who is your children's mother, and quite another thing to do it with a woman who isn't. I feel its best for the girls to hold off even though that will require tremendous self-sacrifice. But one never knows. Don't know if that's going to happen but that's my thinking right now. In any event, I'm not going to expose my children to me being on a dating binge.

I know that you're just talking about dating, but we all know that one date leads to another, and the next thing you know you're back in a committed relationship. For me, I don't want to complicate an already messy situation and emotional fallout for my kids, extended family and in-laws by dating right after divorcing. My two cents.

I love the way you put that. Love starved. Honestly my ex never loved anyone but himself so I am totally love starved. I never thought about it that way. What I don't understand is why I thought I HAD to make this one person work. He's not the first person to show interest but he's the first person I've been interested in. Maybe that's it? And the whole time we chatted, he talked about moving back here and our compatibility and differences. It was like it was happening and it was happening fast. I'm not stupid enough to think I was fixing to marry him but I suppose I was stupid enough to think he might have been THE ONE? I totally feel like an idiot and perhaps I've made myself an idiot to him as well??? Why it matters to me I don't know.

I've been looking up stuff on the net to help myself. I found this and thought it sounds so good.


Part of my problem is I feel like ppl are feeling sorry for me. Poor girl. Her husband cheated (ppl prolly don't even know that) and got remarried and she's ALL alone. I know ppl aren't really thinking that but I feel the pressure. What I don't understand is that I love my life now. Why can't I be happy with what I have RIGHT NOW? Why do I think a man would help my situation? I hope this is just a stage. I've been trying to find some info on the net about the emotional stages of divorce. Kirby really helped when she told me she saw men for awhile as potential husbands. I thought I was the only person who was doing that.

I seriously doubt you're the only one who's done that! And maybe you really ARE happy with your life like it is and just think you SHOULD have a man or date. Give yourself permission to/not to, so you can relax however it goes.

Dating means a ton of first dates, not jumping from one relationship to the next. Just keep the kids away from your dating life. It should be quite easy if you have a sitter.

Prissanna,

I was married 19 years to a lying, cheating wife and I also filed for divorce (even though I DID NOT want a divorce, I had little choice).

I started dating almost immediately after the divorce was final. Absolutely the biggest mistake I made during that time. I was not ready at all and still healing from the divorce. I was dating because I was needy, lonely, scared, hurt, angry at my X, etc. (All the wrong reasons).

For me, I really don't think I was really ready to date for 4 to 5 years which pretty much goes inline with what Divorce Care suggests.

So... my advice is to not date for a while. Get to know how to be single, independant and learn how to enjoy your new life first.

Take it from someone that has been there...

Keith

The more you read, the more it becomes clearer that we, as betrayed and hurt spouces, all go through the same stages. We have a void in our heart. Even though we know it's wrong, we have tried to fill it with 'replacement' because we were scared of being alone, did not want to appear lonely by others, we thought having 'someone' would help heal faster, etc., etc. And I do agree with all of you that we miss being married and having a family, and losing all of our 'plans', being left in a place where we do not know what is going to happen, that is one of the hardest thing to deal with.

When I heard someone said it would take 4-5 years before you completely heal when I was going through separation/divorce, I was just too impatient. I did not want to believe the number, but now looking back, it was true. I am sure everyone is different and for some it takes less and for some longer, but in general it will never be a quick fix, unfortunatley.

I can honestly say now, after almost 7 years since my XH moved out, that I do not have even a tiny bit of desire for reconciliation, however back then I kept hoping. It still hurts me to see my XH remarrying, but it is NOT because I miss or love him, but it is because he is choosing someone who is not his son's mother over me and he is choosing HER kids over his own son.

We all have gone through what you are going through...