The title of my forum fits perfectly with my situation because once again I am asking, What to do? The roller coaster has taken a massive dip down and I as the WS don't know exactly what to do.

Something that I do not believe that I have mentioned yet on this blog is that the night my husband decided that he could not deal with the pain anymore and was leaving (1/2/12) he confessed to me that he had been chatting with another girl. He said he met her when he was out one night and that they had been texting and talking.

He mentioned that she was divorced because her husband cheated on her (something in common) and that she knew he was married and nothing had happened yet. That they had just been talking and texting a lot.

This really hurt, but being the WW, I knew that I could not get angry and that I really didn't have much of a leg to stand on at this point. I tried to push it out of my mind and just told him that if he was going to seek out this relationship, that I would like to know.

I did bring it up only a couple other times but never in an accusatory way. When he asked for the divorce, I did ask if it was because of someone else and he said no. I know I had no right to do this but I said it before I could really think about it.

This morning while paying my phone bill, my curiosity got the best of me and I started looking through my husbands phone bill. What I have found out by the phone records are that he has been having a number of lengthy conversations with another female on both her home and cell phone. They started on 12/18 while we both were still living together in the house. The last call from either number is on 1/5/12.

So, this is where I am, as of this moment. I feel like this is a well deserved stab in my heart. I'm really not sure what to do or say about this. I know that I do not have the right to confront my husband and I am the one who caused all of this pain for both of us.

I don't know anything more than the phone calls and don't really know if I want to know anymore or even deserve to know anymore. I guess my question is What do I do now?

You are so right. I did ASSUME a lot of things. As the saying goes when you ASSUME you make an [censored] out of U and ME. I ASSUMED that I would not cheat again because it had been 13 years. I even when so far to as to ASSUME that he had already or was cheating on me to justify what I was doing. What a selfish, stupid person I was. As Pepper said - "baby steps to hell" because that is where I feel like I am right now. It is a good thing I turned around and started in the other directions but man it is hot in here!

Point #1.
No one 'deserves' to have their spouse cheat on them. Not me. Not you. End of discussion.

Point #2.
Cheating does a lot of personal damage to the cheater.
Name one person who became a better human being because they cheated?
Not one.
A cheater may become a better human being after they repair the damages and make amends. But cheating does not build character. Ever. End of discussion.

Point #3.
Are you married?
Yes, you are.
Do you have the right to ask your husband about his conversations with OW?
Yes, you do.
Also, you have the responsibility, as a newly emerging MB'er, to be HONEST.
If you're going to get anywhere in your recovery, it must begin with honesty.

State the facts and make your request in a non-accusatory way.

"I know you've been in conversations with OW. I hope you are not making the same mistakes I have made. If anyone knows the pain of losing one's values, it is me. I am asking you to stop contact with OW."


Be prepared to listen to his; "Yes but you did thus and so".

You respond "I know that my lying and cheating has hurt you. I also know that my cheating has hurt me as a human being. I am asking you to not hurt yourself in the way I have hurt myself."


Then, let it go. Don't nag.
However, find out if OW is married.

I had a little thought when you mentioned this that he may have been worried about the kind of EPs HE would have to face. It IS possible, but I would do as Pep suggested.

There is NEVER an excuse for an affair. The fact that your spouse had an affair doesn't excuse your actions.

Stick to the MB plans.

So this is you on the radio show from 1-12? Because that is the EXACT situation the caller describes to Dr Harley on this show:

Part 1,

Part 2,

Part 3.

the night my husband decided that he could not deal with the pain anymore and was leaving (1/2/12) he confessed to me that he had been chatting with another girl.

Grrrrrrr! Keeping this from US for almost two weeks is not highly indicative of the new, highly marriage-oriented person you have decided to work toward becoming.

We can't help you with what we do not know about.

ML, that was not me on the Radio station but I did listen to all three segments and it was very scary how much it sounded like me.

NG, I did not think it was my place as a WS to do anything about it. Especially since he was leaving me. I'm sure in his head he is now Justifying and ASSUMING that this is okay because we are separated and I did it first. Believe me, I am not justifying his actions but I know that he will.

I am still learning here. I really wasn't trying to keep anything. I guess I was in my own denial about this situation because I really didn't want it to be real.

I just called my BS and he was with a friend. I did not think it was a good time to talk. He said he was going to call me back later. I looked at the phone records and he has been talking to the OW since December 18th. Everyday up until January 5th. These are just the phone calls. I can't get any access to the text messages.

When he told me about talking to her on 1/2/12 he told me that she was divorced for a year b/c her husband cheated on her. I however got this information from him. I do have a name and a couple of phone numbers. Not much more than that at this time.

Pepper your advice was wonderful and I am going to use your words and the strength of God when I talk to him and try to stay calm, cool, and collected. I am not going to accuse or blame him for anything.

Any other words of advice before he calls me back would be extremely helpful. Again, no matter what I am going to go through MB to make myself a better person in my future, no matter what my future holds.

Thank you everyone for giving me the strength to see myself for who and what I truly am and who I am capable of becoming.

Does the OW have a facebook page?

This is exactly how I wound up here, and thankful I did.

My heart is truly breaking but this is where I am right now. I called my husband tonight and asked him about the OW. I was very calm and did not accuse, I just asked questions. He told me that he has been in a relationship with her since the middle of December. It has already become a PA. He tried to blame it on me but I calmly said that "I will gladly take the blame for my own affair, but not yours."

He also justified it because he said they were just texting and talking to each other until he moved out (not sure how true this is). Either way, I told him "an afair is an afair is an afair." Pepper I used a lot of your lines, THANK YOU!

He showed no remorse and actually seemed a little agitated with me. I also found out that last Tuesday night when he left our daughters school event to "go out to dinner with his dad and brother" that he really went to a concert with her.

ML, I actually got back on fb today to try to find her. I did find someone that seemed to fit the description and I am not sure if it is her. I did call her and leave a message on her phone. It was very calm but I just explained to her that she and my husband were in an affair and it was wrong because he was still married to me.

I have not lost hope in myself. I still believe God led me to this site to give me strength right now.

Well, this is a whole bunch of mess. This is one of the many reasons that we tell BSs to shore up their boundaries after the discovery of their WSs A.

You need to snoop and find out about her. Then you need to expose. You should do Plan A for a short time, 3-4 weeks, and then Plan B.

Does your WH(BH) know that you post here? Does he know about MB?

fifteenyears: I'm so sorry about this latest unfortunate turn of events. It's not fair to you he should've waited until you were divorced before starting another relationship. I have the same fear that my STBXH is going to start dating and i do not know how I'm going to handle it. But you need to stay strong and listen to the excellent advice that you will be given here. Tell your husband still want to reconcile but that he has to end the affair and most of all to not let this be swept under the rug this doesn't change anything you did you still had a affair the only thing that's different now is he's had one as well.

Scotland,

He does know about this site and I have been trying to get him on this past week. He also knows my user name and all of the information. Now I realize why he was so reluctant to get on.

RL - I agree with everything you said. I am heartbroken but I am not going to let it break me or sway me from the progress I have already made using this program.

Being the cheater then being cheated on in less than two months...I would not recommend it to anyone. Sorry I had to start my day out with a little humor to keep me going. I did not get much sleep last night. My mind would not stop racing. Just when I thought being the betrayer stinks, being betrayed is even worse.

At this point my H does not feel like he did anything wrong. He is showing almost no emotion what so ever right now. What was the word you guys used - INDIFFERENT - Yeah I think we are there.

My children, parents, and a handful of my friends know. My H told me that his parents know but it would not surprise me if they encouraged it and feel the same way he does, that it is just. They have been against us healing and getting back together from the beginning. Which doesn't surprise me, they are both cheaters who swept everything under the rug so far that now they cannot even except the reality of this situation. To them, it is always someone else's fault and its better to just not deal with it. So I know why my H is acting the way he is.

Sorry, I am venting a little bit because I need to get it out. I don't want to have an AO on my husband. I am going to try to talk to him today at some time.

My children are a wreck right now. They do not want to see my husband or talk to him. I know he is going to blame this on me but I have not said one word against him other than the truth and the facts of the situation. Actions truly speak louder than words and my children are disgusted with his actions.

Double wammies really hurt bad! I am going to have to steal someone else's line today to get through the day.

"I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME"

The difference between you and your H is that you ENDED your affair. He hasn't. I would DEMAND that he end his affair, 15yrs. DEMAND IT. And make it very clear to him that you are under no illusions that he left the marriage for his affair. You ended your affair and offered to do everything to repair the damage, on the other hand.

Who is the OW? Does she have a facebook page? If so, I would send her parents a private message telling them that their daughter is dating a married man and ask them to use their influence to persuade her to leave your husband alone. Check out my link in my signature for a sample letter and instructions on how to do this.

Also, did you hear what Dr Harley told the lady in the radio clip about Plan B?

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

Your husband is going to find it very difficult to R. Each time you had an affair, not a ONS, you lied, manipulated, deceived your husband. You NEVER confessed, you were discovered or ratted out. This has proven to him that NOTHING you tell him can be trusted. Your guilt only manifested after you were caught. I am sorry for your kids, as I have been in their position. The kids are the innocent ones.

Ouchthathurt, that statement really did hurt but you are right. Do not think for one minute that I have forgotten that I got this ball of misery rolling. My H however took the ball and threw it even further. I understand that what I did is a major reason that he turned to someone else. I however will not be used as the excuse for it.

You are right, I never confessed but one thing I can say is that as soon as I was caught I immediately left my AP behind for my H and my kids. Even before I knew about this program I started the steps to my R.



I'm by no means saying pin a rose on my nose. I am still very aware of how much pain I have caused my H not once but TWICE! Despite the pain that he is causing me right now, I will still respect him and his pain. That is one thing I have learned from my own experience and MB. Revenge and blame are never the answer.

My biggest concern right now is my children. I feel that I am already in plan A, I guess since yesterday. I think if I can I will do this for a couple more weeks. I will then go with plan B. I have not decided how long yet. I'm still not ready to give up, yet. But I know I cannot hold on forever.

Working on me, may require me to let go. We shall see. One day at a time!

A 2nd A certainly complicates things. The good news is, it's still possible to R once both A's have ended.

Follow the plan to a T. It's a big job working to earn your "F" while simultaneously being a BS and fighting another A. You can do it!