I'm currently going through a divorce even though paperwork has not been filed as of yet we have begun the conversation as to who gets what and what not.

What has brought us to this is my infedelity and her quickness to involve herself into a new relationship. I can only speak for myself so I'll keep it at that the best I can.

We have been married for a little over 2 years now and from the start things were very rough. We started dating in Jan of 2009 and moved quickly, by Feb she was pregnant and married that July. The following month her father filed for custody of her daughter from her previous marriage and it started some strain with the two of us on how to approach the issue. We were in and out of court and visitations until Jan 2011 when we got full custody of her. In that same time frame the Army also had me in and out of schools and random one month deployments until Feb 2011 when I then deployed to Iraq and did not return until mid Dec. during the deployment she gave birth to our youngest child an event I also missed and she had to do on her own. All these event mixed with the lack of communication does not justify nor allow my actions that I will now explain.

During the marriage and never being home I became more and more distant wrapping myself up in my work and avoided almost anything that had to do with my marriage and family. By the time I was set to deploy my wife and I hardly talked about any issues and just let things go rather than address them. During the deployment as the days went by I talked to her less and less and in doing so I began a regrettable relationship with another woman. In short the woman and I had a 6 month affair. In time my wife found out and at one point was willing to try to make things work. However in my stupid ways I continued to see the OW and my wife then found out again. At that point and rightfully so she decided there was nothing to recover in this marriage. I have since returned to the states to find out that she has been dating another man for a few months now and he has moved into our house. I was moved into the barracks once I returned and have seen little of my children and her.

I don't write this to justify my actions because what I've done is wrong no matter what the state of our relationship was. I'll never truly know if things could have been better with us do to my own selfish ways. I do want her to be happy and to be a major part of my children's lives. My roller coaster is the love don't love I have for her. When I think of all we have been through I feel I liked the idea but did not love her but when I think of the what could have been love sets in. She is a good woman and has out up with more than I have ever should have put her through. I worry about her and wish nothing but good things for her.

However through the divorce talk she grows more and more with the idea that I should continue to suffer and pay her way till she is on her feet. At one point before I knew about the BF I was more than willing. I do want to help but not to the point the two of them have a good start and I have nothing. I feel it's unfair to an extent. And those times is when the most anger sets in. Alone in my own mind throws me from one to another with in the end is depression on my short coming as a man.

I've read the steps and I'm trying to go one day at a time. I've begun counseling and ponder my next moves afraid to make anymore mistakes. Any guidance from here is why I'm here.

Frank,
1st welcome to MB, you can expect some 2x4's to the head for your actions, so brace yourself. An essential part of a recovery is to take responsibility for what you have done. I know you may feel anger at what your wife has done but if you had not and A, then you probably would not be facing a D right now.

I would also say the 2 wrongs don't make it right and the fact that your W has a BF is a mistake on her part.

You can not control her actions but you can control yours. I would start by reading the principles laid out her and listen to the Vets here, You need to understand what actions on your part lead to the A, understand how to fix that and make yourself a better man. You are expected to have integrity and honor in your job, you would never even consider not standing by your brother in arms against all comers. That passion to protect each other in your unit is the same passion you should have in your marriage. You failed at that task.

Even in a defeat there are lessons to be learned, I would say to you take it like a man,

Tell her your sorry,
If she has moved on let her go
Give her the divorce
Make yourself a man that you would be proud of by your actions and words. You can live to a higher standard even if those around you do not.

If you have not filed for divorce then your not getting divorced. if your not saving the marriage then file.

Sounds like you have only been married 2 years and it's
been rocky the whole time, I may have miss read that but if that is the case, a recovery probably won't work. A true recovery takes both of you working on it and about 2 years to see it thru. Not that it can't happen but you need to have your eyes open if your going to attempt that.

In my opinion, you should pay for your infidelity, I can't express in words how painful that is to experience from your wife's side. She deserves what ever she is asking for.

You ask

SC

I agree with SC. here's where I get confused:
I believe paying for the affair ("just compensation" I think it's called in MB parlance) is for a marriage where infidelity has occurred and there is a process of repentance going on and rebuilding trust etc.
Unfortunately, there is also a strong belief in not financing a spouse's affair...
Tricky.

Frank, thank you for your service to our country. I'm sorry things have become so complicated. I hope for your kids' sake you both can take a step back (or 20) and reset. Be careful to paint the relationship with some objectivity -- it's easy to say "it was all bad from the start" when you are in or fresh out of an affair.

~optimism

Frank, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Questions, please:
Why is another man living in your house? Is your name on the lease? Do you own the home? How long have they been shacking up together?

Why did her father file for custody of her daughter?

Are you supporting your WW and her AP in any way? Do you pay their rent, etc?

What is the story with your child? Do you have visitation?

Do you have an attorney?

No truer words ever spoken. I thought I could just breeze through my divorce and the aftermath of it and I am finding out it's NOT possible. So many unexplained emotions.

I agree that I am going to have to pay for my actions and do not argue that one bit. As for calling it bad from the start I have been saying it before the affair and she has mentioned the same times before. As for paying for the home and what they are doing, no I am not and not going to either. As I stated before I don't justify my actions or expect to be told it was no big deal, however I am and will take responsibility for what I've done. I'm not trying to say I'm a victim in anyway. I get that if not for my action she would not do hers. I'm not mad at her for it. I'm trying to cope with it and doing what I can to make amends and be civil and continue to be a good father.