Never is pretty definitive... And scary coming from the guy who probably has the highest success rate for marriage recovery in modern counseling.

CV

Oh, right, I saw that. She logged in with a new user name. She did post after Fireproof posted, so I assume that got worked out.

Again, I just think the members refused to accept anything less than honesty from her, and she got frustrated by that. Her loss.

He has said that the spouses won't do the homework he requires of them. They continue independent behavior and are suspicious of each other. Kinda figures, doesn't it?

It really does. The suspicion is really off the charts... Like they are constantly actively looking for an affair... Which i guess makes sense if you look at it. Neither one is really trustworthy... Big difference between keeping your eyes open and being aware and actively looking.

Wow! This is like deja vu. Reading her old thread was very enlightening. Some people never will get it. And those MBers who were on her side obviously weren't fully on board with the MB principles.

She sounds almost as bad as another ww on the divorced/divorcing page.

My basic issue with this poster is her lying to her husband. I am not infuriated with her, though. I just will not mince words with someone like that.

Part of the reason she is like this is because she surrounds herself with fools who tell her what she wants to hear. That is what she got when she came to the board in 2001, a bunch of fellow enablers. As you can see, the ONE person who called it like it was was shouted down and dismissed. That is how the board was back then. It was considered "mean" to state truth. A real dysfunctional atmosphere.

Once caught, my wife lied to me about the identity of her AP for three months. I knew she was lying. It tore me up inside. It was the only thing I thought about, all day, every day. I was obsessed with proving her AP's identity, as I had a strong suspicion who it was.

I lost 35 pounds over those three months, and I wasn't much overweight to start. I probably slept an average of three hours per night. I was like a zombie. I didn't know what was happening to me, but later found out I was cycling in and out of deep depressive episodes, after never having anything remotely similar occurring to me in my life.

It wasn't the affair; it wasn't the idea that my wife had slept with another man. It was that my wife was a liar and I knew it. I knew that she was looking me straight in the eye and deceiving me for her own self-protection without regard to what it was doing to me.

The fact that my wife would sell me and her children down the river to protect her secrets was very slowly killing me, heart, mind, body, and soul, from the inside.

This poster returned to this site bemoaning the fact that she's not getting her SF while she's slowly, methodically, like Chinese water-torture, snipped away at his manhood -- nay, his humanity. And her lying is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the behavior she's used to subjugate and humiliate him.

This poster has to be one of the most cruel, heartless WS's that I've had the displeasure to run across on these boards.

ML I was under the Impression her first M ended because her H was abusing her. It wasn't until I read the link that it became clear that there was an EA in the first M too and now I understand why she has got the responses she did.


If you look hard enough in any marriage you can always find one reason or another to have an A if your looking to justify bad actions the reasons don't need to be good or valid just any reasons that deflect the problem from your own failings.

I see this poster as never being happy until she starts being honest with her husband and herself and I tried saying that to her in the nicest way I could but unfortunately she still didn't tell her H the truth.

I'm not infuriated with her in the least. Frustrated, maybe, not infuriated. It's frustrating to state the obvious, over and over, and have it fall on deaf-by-choice ears.

I'm not infuriated, either.

I have nothing but contempt for any choice to lie like that, and pity for the BH who is being sliced to ribbons, but infuriation uses up way too much energy that I need for other things.

Sorry to have "frustrated" so many.

Finally done catching up on all the posts since I posted last.


Your suspicions are way off. Your repeated insinuations that the abuse in my first marriage was fabricated I find to be very offensive and completely counteract any advice you may try to offer. I was picked up off the floor by my hair; I had a gun placed in front of me and was told to shoot myself. He was extremely controlling and destroyed most of my possessions, spit on me in front of the kids, urinated on files I needed for work, and so much more. You found one thread from my past life and decided to make that my entire history, when it was only the very end of that chapter.

My present husband is NOT the person I had a long-distance EA with twelve years ago. That man left the wife he had at the time and is happily remarried. We remained friends, though we do not communicate much and never on an intimate, "remember when" kind of level. We are both thankful we are not in the relationships we were in 12 years ago. They were toxic. Mine nearly killed me.

DH and I are planning some away time, some "dates" away from the kids, just focusing on reconnecting.

No one has to continue commenting on this thread if you feel I am without desire to change or beyond help. It is an affront to all abused women to have someone who has not been in those shoes assume that because I made a mistake, that I would make something like that up.

The only other boards I've been on are The Marriage Bed (regarding the same issue with lack of interest) and Conduct Disorders (largely regarding emotional baggage the kids carry from seeing the way my ex treated me) ... the more you assume wrongly about me, the less anything you have to say seems relevant.

I don't know how to come clean to DH about who the OM was. Just because whenever he sees or hears him, I feel like that wound will be reopened. I'm not sure it's such a good idea, in this case, unless he asks me again about who it was. But we haven't spoken of this in a long, long time. I came asking for help dealing with the thoughts that won't go away, because I don't want them. I want my husband and my marriage.

And I believe that the posters have tried to help you with this. What you need to do is tell your BH, so he can keep you accountable. If he doesn't know who OM is, how does he know who to keep you away from? You are being triggered and if you don't stop your current behaviours, then nothing changes in your life.

Let your BH know who OM is, because it is the right thing to do. Your BH may have a time when he starts wondering who OM is, and he will see OM as everyone and that will cause him to never be able to feel safe with you.

Then, you need to do EVERYTHING to change who you are, your boundaries around other men, and what you do so this doesn't happen again. You have become a serial adulterer and only YOU can change that.

I came asking for help dealing with the thoughts that won't go away...

Okay then...the advice from those of us here is that the best way to ban those thought is to enlist in your effort the person best positioned to help you...your BH. But to DO that, you're going to have to tell him the whole story about why these thoughts are troubling you.

Can you hear me in this? You, self-admittedly, cannot attend to this alone; you need his help; he will have to understand the problem before being able to help; doing that will require exposure of your secret (mental) life.

I cannot make this clearer.

I believe your BH knows who the OM is...just waiting for you to confirm it. He guessed who it was...Trust me..he has been thinking this through..do you really think you have a fool for a BH? If you don't think you do..then why treat him like one?

Is it possible that your H knows who this person is and knows you lied to him and has withdrawn from you emotionally and phisically because he knows you lied to him?

One of the quickest way for my H to make me run from him is to lie to me. He knows if he lies to me the damage is HUGE for me. You lied to your H when he asked you about the man you exchanged inappropriate texts with. Give your marriage and husband the respect they both deserve and tell him who the OM is.

I would much rather he told me about his A than me finding out via other ways.

But, we all know you are a liar, so who knows what the real truth is. You have endorsed lying many times on this thread and even lied to us. You lied to the board members back in 2001. Surely you don't expect us to believe anything you say?


I rest my case. More excuses to lie and engage in cruel, deceptive behavior against your spouse. How despicable that you would allow your H to go around this sleazebag not knowing the truth. If your H knew the truth he would not go around the OM.

If you cared about your husband, you would tell him the truth. But you don't. You care about covering your [censored]. Period.


You are toxic. You were toxic to your last husband and you are toxic to this one. Lies and adultery are as toxic as it gets.

He didn't exactly 'guess' it.

If you read this post, hopefully this link will take you straight to it ... last year we had a couple of 'friends' seemingly determined to take ours down along with their failing marriage, make up stuff about my husband and I.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165541&Number=2584530#Post2584530

When he asked me if it was _______, I responded that I didn't want to say. Later, I discovered that ex-friend #1 had told my husband that I'd done FAR MORE than sexting with _______, while ex-friend #2 was telling me that DH was doing inappropriate things that I had no reason to believe he was doing. Beyond flirting. When I found out, I sat DH down and told him what I'd heard he was doing, then what I heard I was doing. Then we cut all contact with those people.

There is more to our 10 years together than can fit here. We've had ups and downs, but none as bad as this past year, and I definitely don't want to grow old alone or with anyone else. In all other ways than the SF issue, we are strong and close. I don't want to bring the sexting issue back up. Although I know eventually, it will work its way to the surface. I just ... well ... don't want to deal with the fallout. Selfish I know. The time is coming that I'll have to deal with it all.

Thank you.

Thank you.