Maybe I am generalizing here and the "at all costs" is a little hyperbolic. In my case my consternation was I was trying to piece something back together which was obliterated 10 years ago. I really in retrospect did not want court my wife again, talk any more about our problems. I wanted out also and she just had the moxie to pull the trigger. My panic, fear and self loathing was about my discomfort with letting go of my misery, it was the only thing I knew. I thought I deserved to be in a marriage which was basically a friendship and where we satisfied our animal urges once every 6 weeks. I look at my soon to ex now and my romantic love and longing is completely gone. Time and distance has a way of doing that. I still have bouts of depression, but they are manageable and it�s not about me losing her, it�s about the loneliness which I am coping with. We get along better than ever, the pressure is off, we were finally honest with ourselves and each other.

One update to the update is wife has obtained her own insurance and our financial issues were not really issues so we agreed to go ahead and file now, will be officially divorced late April. Best decision I ever made, a true blessing in disguise. I am finding myself again, liking myself again, gone is the worry and resentment. My wife deserves to be happy also, to find a man she connects with romantically, to blossom and grow as a Mother and woman. I don�t recommend or advocate divorcing as a first resort only as a last desperate measure to save the two parties in pain. It was hell at first, pure hell, worst thing I ever did and I still feel the dull throb of failure and pain, but it is lessening each day. Thanks everyone here for all the tough love and kicks in the pants when I needed it. I am sorry it didn�t end the way some people here hoped it would.

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you've had to experience, hume, but glad to hear that you have moved forward to a point where you can begin your personal healing.

This isn't a 'marriage at all costs' site. Yes, we'd love to see every poster here end up wildly in love with their spouse, and in many cases that happens. But it is unrealistic to think that will happen in every case. We are also strongly supportive of spouses who tried to save their marriage but could not. That's why we've got the Divorcing/Divorced forum. I strongly suggest you move over to that forum for continued support on your journey.

Stay well, friend.

Well I was thinking about this forum today on the news some other couple I knew was getting a divorce. Wow what almost a year can do. I was officially divorced in February and went through an entire DivorceCare class at my church, was essential in helping me heal and gain my footing again. I learned to take care of myself, have same sex friends, get involved in something bigger than myself and allow myself time to feel the pain and disappointment. My ex moved out with our children in May and I moved back into our marital home. I did make the mistake of dating right away beginning of this year after I knew divorce was imminent and our relationship was irreconcilable. I met a sexy, smart, funny woman 10 year my junior, it was intense, fun and ultimately doomed because I was working out my loneliness with another woman. We ended it amicably and it did in a way help me to heal, to feel desirable and feel like a man again. I don�t suggest it but there was a silver lining.

I am almost exactly 1 year out of separation and ultimate divorce and through God�s grace and tons of tears and prayer he healed me in every way you can be healed. I see my ex regularly and feel nothing but familial love and concern. She is dating a guy now and seems happy. My kids have adjusted to our situation and both of us are being the best parents we can be. It�s amazing, having all those strong emotions, the overwhelming sense of anger and grief like I did last Fall ,to now, a sense of contentment and true joy. Even the feelings of loss and pain have subsided to the point I hardly ever get them. God hates divorce, but in my case he turned lemons into a river of sweet lemonade. I read it takes two years from separation and divorce to complete healing but I thank God he has accelerated my timeline. I have begun dating again this time with the right mindset and its damn fun. It�s fun to go out with an attractive person, learn about them, be affectionate, share your life with and with whom you are interesting to and you find them interesting.

I wish I knew then what I know now..oh boy do I. Never ever make a woman your God, never make your relationships your reason for being. Never elevate your spouse to judge and jury on who you are. Never allow yourself to be demeaned, put down or made to feel small. Never grovel, beg or try and win your spouses affections and love. You were born single and singleness and be whole all by yourself is what you were made for. You were not put on this planet as your sole purpose to be someone else�s spouse. When you get that and only when you get that can you be a good mate for someone else.

Well, that's not quite how Dr Harley sees marriage, and I must say that I like his vision, but I am glad you found your path and I wish you well.

I don't think your timeline has been "accelerated" at all....you present right on schedule to me.

The celebratory, I'm happy - this is great (you can't hurt me anymore) reclaim my manliness as a rampant fornicator period.

Hope you stop by again in another year a little healthier.