I have been reading HNHN ( for parents version) with my H and started to really wonder about this point and was looking to discuss it with anyone who might be interested.

I come from a culture where arranged marriages are common (my father is Italian but my other is Arabic) although i live in the UK I find my whole upbringing to be a little bit messed up as far as marriage principals are concerned.

For example when my H had an PA three years ago my Italian family said to leave him and not to let him get away with such behaviour while my Arabic side were encouraging me to forgive and turn a blind eye to any infidelity as this is normal for a man. lucky for me I found MB and found a reasonable plan but this got me thinking about this topic.

My H and I were not married by choice, I fell pregnant and due to threats and pressures from my Arabic side of the family we eventually agreed to get married, we were 18 and 19 at the time and had only been dating for 8 months. While reading HNHN there are alot of references to creating an environment now that resembles the environment that you fell in love in while you were dating at the start of your relationship.

I'm struggling with this, we didn't so much fall in love as fall in lust at the start, it took a few months after we got married to fall in love.

Secondly there are also alot of references in the HNHN book to the commitments you make when you get married, I wonder did me and H really make these commitments when the M was somewhat against our will?

We have now been married 11 years and have 4 kids so it's not really appropriate to pursue braking up our family (nor is it what we want). What I would like is to be able to implement the HNHN principals but I would like to know if there are any extra considerations we need to put in place in our scenario.

I can understand the concepts just find it hard to relate to some of them.

Has anyone got any thoughts on this?

Dr Harley does discuss this on the radio and he treats them exactly the same and has the same success rate. The principles work with arranged marriages too. No matter how a marriage starts, it can be successfully turned around.

I can understand that the end result can be achieved in either scenario if the principals are followed well and the commitments to a good marriage is present.

My query is weather there needs to be any additional steps that need to be taken on top of the regular MB principals in a scenario where a marriage commitment was not made by choice at the start.

PS do you happen to have a link to that radio show at all? I have the radio show ap on my iPad so can buy archived segments and listen to it.

No. It makes no difference.

Think about when you first met your husband. Clearly he was interested in you and you were interested in him. Did you go on dates? Did you spend time together? Did you talk on the phone and have nice conversations? Did you show affection for each other? I imagine you did because it lead to you wanting to be intimate with each other.

So to have a strong marriage, you need to be able to do those things now as well. Treat the spouse as the most important priority! Go on dates. Spend time together without the kids. Have conversations. Be affectionate. Make decisions together. Try to balance your giver and takers...make sure that nobody feels that they are doing something at the expense of the other.

Arranged marriage or not, the MB principles will help improve your marriage.

Wannab

Thanks for that, we are currently reading HNHN and working on this well, scheduling UA time, POJA ing, being O/H and really following the MB principals. So far so good, last week he wanted to leave this weeks he won't stop telling me how much he loves me (about 50 times a day minimum). All is good but as I read HNHN I have certain questions and reservations about how we first got together.

I wish I could maintain some dignity and say we did half the things you describe in the first half of your post but we didn't.

I was in a psychiatric ward after suffering some traumas at the hands of my mother, my roommate suggested having a pen pal at the weekend as everyone got to go home except for me. She suggested her neighbour (my H). So we became platonic pen pals, just exchanging jokes and really innocent things like that. He came to visit me in hospital a few months later. I found him atteactive, he didn't like me in the same way(according to him I was too thin). I was disappointed and moved on.

Months later after I finished my treatment I was invited to my hospital roommates birthday party my H was there, a few of his friends approached me and I found their advances intimidating so I stuck by his side at the party as I felt safe with him as I knew he didn't find me attractive. A day later I get a call saying he changed his mind and now he wants to date ( so basically as now his friends found me attractive I suddenly became atteactive to hi too).

We were teenagers that's what teenagers are like I guess but still not a great romantic beginning.

We dated in gorups, we became intimate as a result of raging hormones and my rebelling against my strict background. I don't remember doing anything much alone like going out for dinner etc.

And before you know it 6 months into this I fell pregnant a month later i found out and one month after that we were married and 6 months after that baby number 1 came along followed by 3 more kids over the past 10 years.

I am not scoffing at our start but I want to understand how things were supposed to be and how to make the magic moments now. I am ashamed of our wedding day ( because all I was made to feel was shame by my family) I am ashamed that my H never proposed to me, he never asked me to marry him, he never even found me attractive when we first met.

But maybe all this romance is overrated as we have lasted 12 years so far so I really don't know.

Should I just forget about everything else and just concentrate on the now?

I think I can do that, it just all came back when we were reading HNHN so I thought I would ask about it on here.

Yep, just leave the past in the past where it belongs! It is just a distraction.

I am genuinely happy to do that I only got thinking about it when HNHN was referring to it.

I want to be able to tell the kids a good "how mummy and daddy fell in love" story.

Now it's up to me and H to create one.

I think your story is a nice one, NB.

"Living Well is the best Revenge".

Have a great marriage...that will show your family!