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The only other boards I've been on are The Marriage Bed (regarding the same issue with lack of interest) and Conduct Disorders (largely regarding emotional baggage the kids carry from seeing the way my ex treated me) ... the more you assume wrongly about me, the less anything you have to say seems relevant. Again, we only have the word of an admitted liar who endorses lying. Since the truth is not relevant to you, that is no surprise.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And I believe that the posters have tried to help you with this. What you need to do is tell your BH, so he can keep you accountable. If he doesn't know who OM is, how does he know who to keep you away from? You are being triggered and if you don't stop your current behaviours, then nothing changes in your life.
Let your BH know who OM is, because it is the right thing to do. Your BH may have a time when he starts wondering who OM is, and he will see OM as everyone and that will cause him to never be able to feel safe with you.
Then, you need to do EVERYTHING to change who you are, your boundaries around other men, and what you do so this doesn't happen again. You have become a serial adulterer and only YOU can change that. Thank you. Best way to thank me is to DO something different.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Joined: Apr 2001
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And I believe that the posters have tried to help you with this. What you need to do is tell your BH, so he can keep you accountable. If he doesn't know who OM is, how does he know who to keep you away from? You are being triggered and if you don't stop your current behaviours, then nothing changes in your life.
Let your BH know who OM is, because it is the right thing to do. Your BH may have a time when he starts wondering who OM is, and he will see OM as everyone and that will cause him to never be able to feel safe with you.
Then, you need to do EVERYTHING to change who you are, your boundaries around other men, and what you do so this doesn't happen again. You have become a serial adulterer and only YOU can change that. Thank you. Does this mean you are going to tell your husband the full truth now? Or are you still just wasting our time?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Again, we only have the word of an admitted liar who endorses lying. Since the truth is not relevant to you, that is no surprise. In addition to lying, mfal, you also minimize or re-prioritize things in order to bolster your position. You are currently dealing with the fallout of an EA that began by flirting. To give legs to your argument, you said: I FLIRT. Always have. I do it with my husband. I do it with him watching. I do it when I'm out with girlfriends. They are friends with my husband and tell him everything. Nothing to hide there. Lots of people do, without issue. I'm that kind of person. I haven't had a problem with wanting any more to come of it.
Like I said, I've made a mistake. Flirting led to sexual messages, which led to me feeling guilty, telling my husband, and ending the sexual conversations. Yet, back in 2002, you said: Me ... I'm a terrible flirt. I did not realize the danger, or understand the pain it caused my X. I did not have a PA but flirting could be a form of EA ... I fantasized about other men when things were bad (another no-no) ... I was not my X's best friend ... I put time with my friends ahead of time with him ... I put work ahead of him ... I put hobbies ahead of him ... I was selfish ... I said unkind things ... I yelled ... I talked about ex-boyfriends too much ... You knew all these things TEN YEARS AGO. Yet here you are, defending the very behaviors you condemned in yourself a decade ago. Can you see where your posts appear to be designed to support whatever notion you're plugging at the time?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I believe your BH knows who the OM is...just waiting for you to confirm it. He guessed who it was...Trust me..he has been thinking this through..do you really think you have a fool for a BH? If you don't think you do..then why treat him like one? He didn't exactly 'guess' it. If you read this post, hopefully this link will take you straight to it ... last year we had a couple of 'friends' seemingly determined to take ours down along with their failing marriage, make up stuff about my husband and I. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165541&Number=2584530#Post2584530When he asked me if it was _______, I responded that I didn't want to say. Later, I discovered that ex-friend #1 had told my husband that I'd done FAR MORE than sexting with _______, while ex-friend #2 was telling me that DH was doing inappropriate things that I had no reason to believe he was doing. Beyond flirting. When I found out, I sat DH down and told him what I'd heard he was doing, then what I heard I was doing. Then we cut all contact with those people. There is more to our 10 years together than can fit here. We've had ups and downs, but none as bad as this past year, and I definitely don't want to grow old alone or with anyone else. In all other ways than the SF issue, we are strong and close. I don't want to bring the sexting issue back up. Although I know eventually, it will work its way to the surface. I just ... well ... don't want to deal with the fallout. Selfish I know. The time is coming that I'll have to deal with it all. If you cut off contact with those friends, you can cut off contact with him. Damn skippy you are being selfish. How would you like it if your husband was keeping secrets from you and lying to you?
BH-51
FWW-39
6 month EA
4 fantastic kids.
Happily Recovered
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Best way to thank me is to DO something different. I posted that to let you know that I had read what you said, that I wasn't ignoring it or skipping it because I didn't think it applied to me. I have gotten swamped with responses. I have a lot to consider and a lot to plan. :l
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MFAL,
Coming from the mouth of a wayward, I tell you that you will NEVER be able to repair your marriage if you keep acting this way.
You are fooling yourself by saying that SF is your only problem. Husbands that are having their emotional needs met, WANT to have sex with their wives. I said this before that there is something more going on with both of you. Your marriage is a mess.
You must heal yourself before you can work the MB principals. You are still in the fog. I see it. You not only lying to BH but you are lying to yourself!!! Stop it! Be honest about what your life is and then deal with it.
You must let go of the past and focus on the NOW. Until you are through withdrawl, you will not heal....EVER! You are keeping yourself in constant fog. Why put yourself through that?
What are you afraid of? You need to come totally clean!
I know what you're feeling. I do. But the way you're going about recovery isn't good.
CT
Me: WW41
Hubby: BH40...My Amazing forgiving man (CharpyTest)
DD: 8 DS: 8 DD: 6
EA/PA: 3 years
May 25, 2011 (Formal NC letter sent)
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He didn't exactly 'guess' it. If you read this post, hopefully this link will take you straight to it ... last year we had a couple of 'friends' seemingly determined to take ours down along with their failing marriage, make up stuff about my husband and I. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=165541&Number=2584530#Post2584530A friend narked on you. I remember the comment. So was it you or someone else who told them what was going on? When he asked me if it was _______, I responded that I didn't want to say. Later, I discovered that ex-friend #1 had told my husband that I'd done FAR MORE than sexting with _______. Beyond flirting. When I found out, I sat DH down and told him what I'd heard he was doing, then what I heard I was doing. Then we cut all contact with those people. So how many times did you and OM make out? H confronted you and you lied by omission. THEN you spun it to be about what you HEARD he was doing... So instead of working on the M and coming clean and being fixed right now, you chose to continue to lie and fantasize... Is this pretty much correct?
A few things simply don't add up. 1. You say he did not reciprocate, but you then say he did reciprocate over text..
2. You claim that it was never physical, but you still fantasize
3. You are not willing to tell H his name
All this leads me to think your friend was right and more happened than you let on.
There is more to our 10 years together than can fit here. We've had ups and downs, but none as bad as this past year, and I definitely don't want to grow old alone or with anyone else. In all other ways than the SF issue, we are strong and close. Not if you are lying to him you aren't. Not if you are fantasizing and have feelings for an OM you're not. I had 18 years under my belt when my Dday hit. It meant squat in light of being lied to.I don't want to bring the sexting issue back up. Although I know eventually, it will work its way to the surface. I just ... well ... don't want to deal with the fallout. Selfish I know. The time is coming that I'll have to deal with it all. This is the truth. You don't want to deal with the fallout. Tackle it head-on now or lose your marriage later.
CV
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A friend narked on you. I remember the comment. So was it you or someone else who told them what was going on?
So how many times did you and OM make out? H confronted you and you lied by omission. THEN you spun it to be about what you HEARD he was doing... So instead of working on the M and coming clean and being fixed right now, you chose to continue to lie and fantasize... Is this pretty much correct? We didn't "make out" ... the sexually explicit texts/messages were over a span of a couple weeks. I told ex-friend #2 about the messages. She urged me to do something about it and make it physical. Living vicariously through me or something I guess. She told her husband, ex-friend #1 about the messages and he took it upon himself to tell DH that I was giving men oral sex in public. No, this did not happen. I can't figure why they would do this to us, other than to attempt to kill our marriage. Theirs was bad, she often told me she was leaving him. But then she was afraid to. She was also cheating on him. And they were both telling me that my husband was groping other women and having them in his lap, grinding on him. I do not believe this. A few things simply don't add up. 1. You say he did not reciprocate, but you then say he did reciprocate over text..
2. You claim that it was never physical, but you still fantasize
3. You are not willing to tell H his name
All this leads me to think your friend was right and more happened than you let on. The sexting, for the brief time it went on, was mutual participation. It got weird, and it ended. I do have a hard time forgetting about some things that were said. He has totally dropped it and we have been able to maintain a friendship, until now. I know I have to do more than just avoid him, but it's a baby step.
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A friend narked on you. I remember the comment. So was it you or someone else who told them what was going on?
So how many times did you and OM make out? H confronted you and you lied by omission. THEN you spun it to be about what you HEARD he was doing... So instead of working on the M and coming clean and being fixed right now, you chose to continue to lie and fantasize... Is this pretty much correct? We didn't "make out" ... the sexually explicit texts/messages were over a span of a couple weeks. I told ex-friend #2 about the messages. She urged me to do something about it and make it physical. Living vicariously through me or something I guess. She told her husband, ex-friend #1 about the messages and he took it upon himself to tell DH that I was giving men oral sex in public. No, this did not happen. I can't figure why they would do this to us, other than to attempt to kill our marriage. Theirs was bad, she often told me she was leaving him. But then she was afraid to. She was also cheating on him. And they were both telling me that my husband was groping other women and having them in his lap, grinding on him. I do not believe this. A few things simply don't add up. 1. You say he did not reciprocate, but you then say he did reciprocate over text..
2. You claim that it was never physical, but you still fantasize
3. You are not willing to tell H his name
All this leads me to think your friend was right and more happened than you let on. The sexting, for the brief time it went on, was mutual participation. It got weird, and it ended. I do have a hard time forgetting about some things that were said. He has totally dropped it and we have been able to maintain a friendship, until now. I know I have to do more than just avoid him, but it's a baby step. Best way is to tell your H. CV
Last edited by celticvoyager; 01/13/12 03:05 PM. Reason: spelling correction
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Let me put this nicely,
This OM basically started a sexting you and you replayed then he happily dropped the whole thing after a few weeks? Right?
Well here is what I know happened
This guy wanted to see if he could have you and if you were easy or a challenge,
Unfortunately you weren't much of a challenge he lost interest and moved on, in other words this guy found you easy.
Now what I don't understand is. Why do you care so much about someone like that. I personally would be so embarrassed and humiliated by this that I would never ever want to see or hear from him again. NC should be the easiest thing ever for you under these circumstances. Never mind the fact that he obviously has no respect for your H at all either so again letting your H know what this POSOM is like would do him a favour.
A few years ago one of my H closest friends made advances at me and I told my H straight away. I felt guilty and bad as my H really liked this friend and at first i was sad about the loss of the friendship but Then i was so so angry that this friend would do something like that to my H that I had to tell my H. I did not want anyone disrespecting and betraying my H even if I had 0 interst in his friend he had the right to know he couldn't trust him.
As a result our social life has dwindled a bit but I wouldn't do anything differently should something like this ever happen again. I rather go out less often with a few people that I trust and respect than go out everyday with a crowd of immoral two faced people.
I'll say it one last time. Tell your H about Who this man is OUT OF RESPECT FOR YOUR H AND YOUR MARRIAGE. If you don't respect your marriage how can you expect anyone else to? That would explain the troubles you have had with these supposed friends you Have around you.
PS I know I'm focusing on the OM but this does not let you off the hook for sexting too but others here are taking care of that side of things.
BW 36(Me)
WS 38
Married: 2000
DD1November 22 2008 - DD2 October 2014
PA Duration September 08 - November 08
Second discovery- 6 online affairs 4 sexual one emotional. October 2014.kids: DS 17, DS 14, DS 12, DS 10 . Baby after divorce DS 18months
Divorced
Was misled into thinking we were in recovery for 6 years.
If you were shocked reading any of this, that this is the consequence of not following MB to the LETTER.
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The forum is for the purpose of marriage building, not for affair support. This thread has become a distraction on this forum so we are locking it. Let's get back to marriage building!
Thank you all...
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