chickadee. I don't know if this will help you or not. During one of my triggers, my own FWH asked me why I couldn't just look at what he was doing "now."

It stopped me cold because I realized that he was right. At some point I needed to stop looking backwards and start to look forward. So I made the choice to do that. It wasn't easy...but I started to feel so much happier and safer when I changed my thinking and my focus.




I think this will suck you down. Look forward chickadee1.

(((hugs)))

i still can figure the individual quote response thing.....


Do you not think you have all your questions answered by your H?-someday yes, somedays no, its alot and over a period of time and he didnt care didnt take names, forgot places.....i got pages of questions answered, but honestly i dont think he could ever answer all of the things that swill trhu my head. I have a problem i remembering everything about anything, he cant remember what he is wearing.

If you do have all the answers Dr. H says to never talk about it again.

Are you more upset that he told you that " you need to get over it"? - yes, i feel he has some nerve to tell me when to get over it.

Do you not think he gave you enough just compensation?- some days i really dont know what is "just" comepensation, i guess thats part of the issue.

More upset of the comment he made?- Yes!
What did you tell him when he said that?- just said that comment bothers me.

Maybe you're going through one of the anger stages in recovery that many go through?- IDK- i guess.

i am trying.... i know i will be better, there are alot of triggers i have to deal with and i am really trying not to let them get to me most of the time, i was just really disgusted with the get over it comment. i mean really disgusted, which then brings everything right back up to the surface.....

I get that totally. Those are fighting words. I was lucky that my FWH chose his words carefully...but it was the same message.

Is your FWH following the program ? Sorry I'm not completely up to date on your thread.

yes we are both doing the online program as well as had months with jennifer.

just the rollercoaster that sucks,

Can you ask your online coach about it?

i guess i should,,,,, i was going to post on private board, just cant thing what it fits under....


i am sure we will discuss later as he knows i am annoyed,,,,


thanks for your posts!!

Wouldn't it be on the private board under Questions about Infidelity?

I posted in the private forum under infidelity. It really helps to read the various threads there where Dr. Harley replies.

You're barely a year out; I was still up and down but it started to smooth out a little more as time continued AND as my H continued his work at being a good H and keeping his EPs. When I did get triggered and upset, he would always ask me "What can I do now to help us?" And really, there was nothing he could do except to continue what he was doing.

It's going to get better for you, as long as your marriage becomes better than ever before and your H keeps strictly to his EPs.

But honestly, if my H had responded that way, it would have probably sent me over the top, too.

well back to the books, we need to learn to communicate better... had our weekly appt last night.

when i described the problem i was having, H was in shock that i thought he meant "get over it" in the context of his A's that wasnt what he was saying and would never expect me to get over it- h said that he completely understood why i was so upset and he would be feeling the same way if someone said that to me in my situation. it made him sick. the look was telling, we were not talking about the same thing at all.

but i learned that i really need to say something as soon as it bothers me, bc i would have gotten clarification that we were not on the same page. and i wouldnt have stewed for the day+.

in the meantime i asked him to never say the words "get over it" in any context to me.

very emotional night.... i have an emotional hangover.....

thank you all for your responses, they made me feel better and look at things with new eyes.

more work to be done....

I'm so glad you talked about it and next time you can tell him earlier so you don't carry it around.

Are you still going to post it on the private forum to ask Dr. H? It be good to hear his perspective on it.

Would your H post here? It would be nice to hear from him especially since we don't have too many serial cheaters giving their perspective. Do you think he'd be up to it?

he started to, his name is jerkyboy. it's a time thing for him. plus it probably not that easy for him.


i will post on the prviate also.

Did you post on the private?

not yet.. trying to figure out what to say now that there has been clarification.

communication seems to be a hurdle for us.

I don�t know why I am really responding to JB post- just felt that it need explaination on my part.



his #1 is a problem- yes he has dragged this crap out for so long with I forgot, I don�t remember all of that. Yes he did give me the full list of affairs, but some had no names, or no dates, and as much specifics that he could remember. Yes I remember EVERYTHING and he remembers nothing. listen I know that pretty much all of the skankho (SKHO) that he was with meant nothing to him and I do believe that, it was a game and he would never share his emotional needs with anyone, he is just learning how to do that with himself and me. I do thank god that my H was just a serial user and cheater with no emotion because if he had any emotional feeling for any of them I would be out the door. For 25 years I have been trying to get him to open up to me, some of you may say your nuts, well maybe I am, but at this point I have more faith in him than I ever did and regardless if this works or not for whatever reason, I know that he will be, and is better because he is going thru all of this, he just need to make the final leap. (hope that makes sense, I have a hard time verbalizing all of it bc its running thru my head faster than these little pinkys can type)



yes he passed a poly, because poly�s you don�t give details just the facts and he gave me that.



so I of course had a list of questions with regard to the �list�- (BTW was given the list 1 yr today) I needed the facts. So he wrote what he could remember and filled in some holes and created some more.



my probelmo, is that he has dragged this out with half the facts and things keep popping up to prompt me to ask more.



so you may think well you already know that he was a serial cheater, yes I do, and how much more is there than he had very inapprop relations with many SKHO�s ect. and its pretty much as bad as it gets. I get it totally and I don�t even know if I want all of the disgusting gory details, really. But if he is 100% clean with the details we wouldn�t have things that set me back. And he has to do it for me and for himself.



for example as you can see in his post, he had some other OW on his calendar as a reminder, so I asked and he told me it was just a girl in passing, that was December�. 5 month later when he was answering a very important question in his book about why he had not addressed the 3 �serious relationships� he wrote down bday girl name�.. well to my knowledge she was just one other the passing SKHO not someone he had a �relationship� with.



And he has yet to address the question with now 4 people names ( which will be so much harder now)



So in December he lied to me about the extent of the relationship to begin with. see this is why I am driven away from him and # 3 in particular. (failed to protect me) (only protected himself )



for the past year I have had these �small issues� crop up jez I don�t know a lot in the beginning a lot, now not as many times but they still keep happening.



I just feel like I am not playing with a full deck of cards



I feel that he need to come beyond completely clean with all the details I may read them I may not, but if he doesn�t he will can revert back to only giving enough information.



I am sorry I may be beating a dead horse that he will change or maybe I am still a dog with a bone



I spoke to dr. Harley and he advised stop bring up the past. I am, and I will when I know what the past is and he admits what it is, I guess.



so my LB is always dipping up down up down, so #3 is a problem.

Hey chickadee,

Sorry to hear that you're still hitting bumps in the road. Do you think his "memory" is vague on purpose? That it's willful?

This is going to sound dismissive, and I don't intend to minimize what you're saying, but, at some point, don't you have to turn that corner and say "That's that, I may not know everything but knowing any more won't change anything now and it doesn't matter anymore." Bringing up those OW keep them alive in everyone's memory.

I haven't spoken "my" OM's name to my FWW in well over a year. To do so invites him into our lives if that makes any sense. That's not to say that I wouldn't still kill the MF if he came into my line of sight, but that little gem stays in my head and, it seems, on here.

The Shawshank Redemption was on the other day--Morgan Freeman's character has a line, "Get busy living or get busy dying" and it seems appropriate so many times lately.

I know, you cannot just flip a switch or you would have done it already, but I'm hoping you can get a little peace soon.

thank you.

you first question is what i dont know which is part of the problem

if you find that switch tell me where it is i have been looking for a year

i want this to be over and i only bring it up when something happens NOT by my doing

It is difficult because we can only control ourselves and not others.

Did you ever end up posting on the private? In light of what has come up, maybe ask Dr. H?

Chickadee,

There is a HUGE difference between bringing up the past and filling in the gaps.

Bringing up the past insinuates you are punishing your WS in some way. Or trying to get one up on your WS in some way. Or using his A as a means to get something you want. Or to negotiate from a position of guilting your WS.....

The above would all do damage to your marriage!
I would agree 100% with Dr. Harley on this!

HOWEVER,

Filling in the gaps that a WS has left blank, like JB has done???
NO WAY is that the same thing.
You're not punishing your WS in any way, you just need radical honesty regarding the information he's left out.

Joseph's letter sums this up perfectly and I did post for JB to read it the other day.


Personally, I'm concerned that he's left so many things out so you won't discover that he WAS emotionally invested in some of his SKANKO'S....

The reason he would fear this?

Because you keep repeating you would leave if he were emotionally invested in any of them. hence he's in a quandary, he's a liar if he fesses up and/or a liar if you discover one of the OW's identities that leads you to this truth on your own..... In short, he's afraid! Unless you take that threat off the table, you may never discover the truth.....

Just my .02

i did post in the private.

thank you TST- that make me feel better, i also emailed him josephs letter the other day.

i have never told him i would leave or threaten it, if he read this he will know now.

i would be floored if he was, he is just realizing that he is emotionall invested in me and thats take 25 years.

he had alway had a "disposable" quality to him, people places things. emotional investiment was a sign of weakness in his head. its hard to describe.

when we met i knew this, duh, i was 18 and i could change him, ha! i would be different.

I think that all of his A are a sign of weakness and he hates to think that he was weak.