I don't get it. Don't believe I have ever said my husband and I are going to reconcile. ???

I hope this doesn't take this fascinating thread too far off topic but the Harley steps needed to repair of our marriage after adultery were impossible for my XWH too for the same reason. He could not cope with Radical Honesty.

Being accountable to me for his behaviour felt to him as if he was being controlled which for him (a very controlling person) was not something he could deal with.

This was not because of the dynamic of our relationship, quite the opposite. Until then I had never questioned his whereabouts which, I suppose, was why he was able to cheat on me for 18 years without being found out.

I believe, in his case, the problem was rooted in his early childhood neglect. He has a deep distrust of the world that verges on paranoia. He does not even trust his own (now adult) children. I suppose if you can't trust anyone, a feeling that someone is controlling you must be very traumatic even if you know the reason and accept it.

But for me the moment the scales fell off my eyes was when we tried our first POJA with help from Jennifer. We went through the negotiation, were unable to agree and he immediately went off and did exactly what we had not agreed. A successful POJA is really the best way to see if a recovery attempt is genuine.

Sadly (for him) the need to feel in control was more important than his marriage. My children say he has always been unable to have a real relationship, even with them.

Strugglin, I'm not suggesting all this necessarily applies to you. Just wanted you to know that there are others who find Radical Honesty really really tough.

You admonished the forum in your opening post ....


Followed by you declaring that you would NEVER do something.


You offered us some of your 'wisdom' which you then promptly ignored.

This, is very true.

_________________________
Me - 29 WW
H - 35
DD1 - 6yo
DD2 - 2yo
DDay - Feb 26, 2011
Hope to be recovered sooner than later!!


The hope in that sig contrasted with the "done" tone of your posts here is killing me. :'o(

I don't know the stories behind you & your husband, but I wish you both well.

I'm missing your point, RamonaQ. I think everyone else may be, as well.

I missed it at first, too. RamonaQ quoted strugglingaz's signature and then had a comment.

RamonaQ

I understood your point immediately.
It's similar to the contradiction I pointed out when she said "Never say never" .... and 4 days later she says "Never." She is conflicted. She is confused.

Which leads me to believe she is feigning indifference and is still emotionally conflicted about losing her marriage.

And, her emotional conflict worries her. Otherwise, why return to MB to tattle on her husband? She is working really hard to whip up some 'hate' for her husband.

Those pesky emotional ties to a lengthy marriage do not just suddenly dissolve.
Especially when there are beautiful children around as constant reminders of 'the good times'.

Her conflict and her struggle to 'hate' her husband make her more endearing to me. If you can believe that !
She's a flesh and blood woman who has the capacity to re-love her husband, her marriage, her family.
We have more faith in her than she has in herself.

AZ .... You're not such a tough girl as you think you are.
If I felt you were a lost cause, I'd say "Adieu" and leave you alone.

I pester you because I sense there is more to you than you are letting on.
I pester you because I visualize your children living the 'divorced kid' senario. It's not good.
Then, I visualize your kids living the reconciled marriage senario .... and I know what lessons they would learn from that senario.

Do not remain married "for the sake of kids".
Remain married and work the MARRIAGE BUILDER'S program for the sake of everyone involved.

pepper if i could like your post i would but this is not facebook so i will just say it.

<<<<<LIKE!>>>>>>

DITTO!!!

<<<<<<<<LOVE IT!>>>>>>>>>>>

Great post, Pep. And my thoughts, exactly.

Pep -- you stinker you -- this post of yours made me tear up and get all weepy. The truth, "spoken" so, so well.

Mrs. W

We get tender with this one, and she takes off.
If we posted mean-girl stuff you can bet she'd be here to fight with us.

People with trust issues have a very hard time with kindness.

strugglingaz,

i wasnt going to post here but after reading many of your posts.. i just wanted to know, why are you posting here?? what is the point of posting here if all you are doing is really is arguing here.. hmmm..

and..when you say:No actually I think HE is embarrassing for all that he posted on here and how we proposed to be such a righteous individual continually talking smack about my actions when in all actuality he is doing the exact same thing I was. Just funny to me. I knew that you all would have a way to justify it though. You haven't disappointed.


who is HE??? your husband?

So how is your life going for you after all of this? better than ever?? really? if so, one has to wonder why are you posting here??

Lurking today?

Do you recall your first thread title?

Just in-case your heart is breaking tonight! It isn't too late to turn around and do what it right for your girls and yourself ...