Actual men don't sleep with another man's wife.

inloveonline:<P>I'm happy to indulge this fantasy.<P>1. You should have at least a few sessions with a good marriage counselor, and I'm going to recommend Steve Harley here (888-639-1639). He's got the experience to deal with this situation. If you do counseling with him, this is the last step my advice---the two of you will work out the plan to deal with your husband.<P>2. I would recommend that you be willing to tell your husband everything---and that you use the Policy of Joint Agreement to decide on a course of action. This will come later (weeks), after the shock of disclosure has settled in for your husband. But I would tell him this either in a public place where you feel safe, or in the presence of a counselor or friend where you know that you'll be safe. Have a separation plan in place. Be willing to discuss various counseling, separation, and divorce options. Do not defend your actions---even though your husband's behavior has led you to this point, he's not to blame for the affair.<P>It's ESSENTIAL that you have professional help for this, and plan for the worse reaction from your husband. Don't do this on your own!!!!<P>I'm concerned that your current conduct (continuing the affair, not meeting your husband's needs) will continue to build resentment for your husband. And he will discover this affair---it's only a matter of when. And then you will be at the whim of his reaction---and if you fear the worse, that may be very, very bad. That's one of the reasons I'm encouraging you to stand up and take the lead in this. It'll probably be something new for your husband to see---if you've been exhibiting conflict-avoidance, you may gain a great deal of respect in his eyes.<P>3. After the disclosure has happened and things have settled down, you two need to use the policy of joint agreement to try to come to a settlement on what to do next. This will be the toughest application of the POJA in your life. You may decide to divorce. Or separate for a while. Or your husband may be desperate to work on your marriage---in that case, send him to Steve, and to this site.<P>4. Depending on which plan you've chosen, you start working together to execute that plan. <P>Inloveonline---you're in a bad situation. You need to take steps to make it better. I don't disagree with Karma's advice at all---you should take the steps necessary to be safe. And not depend on the OM at this time to provide that.

I agree with enough, real men are God fearing men and don't sleep with other men's wives. A REAL MAN is a GODLY MAN.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

uh... ENOUGH and professorg...<P>Believe what you will of inloveonline's OM, but what you are saying is not at all constructive. <P>And especially professorg - your post is so religiously dogmatic that it borders on offensive. I don't believe in God. I'm an athiest. I guess that means I'm not a man. Oh well.<P>Anyway, I know you two must care in your ways, but try to be a little more constructive, otherwise you're just wasting your time.<P>--airheart<p>[This message has been edited by airheart (edited August 20, 1999).]

Inloveonline:<P>Just a word to the wise. Don't be so sure that your H will not find out simply because you and the OM live 4 hours apart. If he gets suspicious, he WILL find out. If there is one thing about affairs, you cannot cover yourself ALL the time.<P>If he WANTS to find out, he'll find a way. That leads me to another thought:<P>If your H does find out in some way other than if you tell him, what do you think he might do to you then? Because of the threat of domestic violence, perhaps telling him is not a good idea. However, if you continue in the relationship, there is a good chance he will find out. Then, your worst fears could be realized. <P>If for no other reason than your personaly safety, I hope you think about this.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P><BR>

Gotta agree with airheart to try and keep things a bit more constructive (and I DO believe in God).<P>inloveonline - I've spent the past hour reading all of the posts here and in other topics. I am glad that you were able to see the wisdom in K's words. He seems to me to be a very insightful person.<P>I can understand your position in your marriage. If it is truly that bad, you should really start seeking a plan to get yourself out of it and protect you and your sons. If there is a glimmer (maybe a BIG glimmer) of hope, then try to work things out. Either way, a counselor would be great for you. It seems you have so many issues that you could use help dealing with and it must be tough having held things to yourself for so long. <P>I'm sure the OM offers you great comfort, but I honestly have to question how long your relationship could stay so great. I am not saying it isn't possible, just that I also think it could be possible for it to die out too. In my opinion, you'd probably be best to leave BOTH of them (assuming H could care less about you). Get the counseling you need and get you and your sons up on your feet. Stabelize youself first before you jump into another relationship that has the potential to go bad. (not saying it will, just it could)<P>I hope you do not take offense at my post. I sympothize with you. NO ONE deserves abuse, NO MATTER what. I guess my point in all this, is don't waste your life sitting on the fence. Get some help to make the decision to either work on the marriage or get out of it. But keep the goal of SELF GROWTH in mind, along with the most important, your kids.<P>KarmaGrrl - In a previous post you said that everyone at MB sugar coats everything. Now you are condeming everyone for being too mean? It really seems like you just "side-up" with whoever, in order to create a uproar.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

Shoni - <P>I never posted anything about sugar-coating advice - you're confused.<p>[This message has been edited by KarmaGrrl (edited August 21, 1999).]

inloveonline - I have to second Lonestar's post. My W's OM lived 4 hours a way. I found out. You can't cover yourself forever. You will slip up at some point. Telling your H and being ready for the response would be much better than him finding out and confronting you when you aren't ready.<P>Airheart, the message from enough and professorg IS constuctive in that it helps bring to light what kind of man inloveonline is dealing with; both in regards to her H and OM.<P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited August 21, 1999).]

q

Hello All,<P>From what I can tell the common consenses is that I am going to hell and taking OM with me. I am sorry to ruin his eternal life.<P>What I can tell you is that each one of is going to have to answer to God for each choice we have made on Earth. Yes, I will have a lot of explaining to do..........<P>Until you come live in my house you can not understand the atmosphere here. Nor, can I understand your world.<P>K,<BR>I am very proud of the kind of person you turned out to be with your wife. I know those feelings of deep depression and the anger is sometimes so strong that I am ashamed I am capable of having such deep hatred. You are a very big man to admit it. My degree is in biology.<P>I am speechless and that is not an easy thing to do.....I talk a lot!!<P>I just know what I am looking for is not here...........in my house.<P>Maybe the kind of marriage I want does not exsist. I want simplicity, happiness and when it is not, I want the freedom of free speech, and communication. I want a smile when I walk in, I want to want to be with my husband......I want the physcial to be as good as the emotional. I want love and for someone to except the love I have to give. I want a partnership. I want someone to sit beside me in church. I want someone to listen to me. Someone to talk to me, not at me. So is this fantasy?<P>For all of you happily married people......how big of a role does sex play in your HAPPY marriage?<BR>

inloveonline,<P>For me, sex has a big role in a marriage. Not only having it but also not having it. How H understands me when I was not in the mood showed me his tolerance and patient. Wanting to please each other is a way for me to express how much we love each other. <P>We had our difficulties, you can click on my sunglasses to see that my H's affair started from the net. With her in the picture, the calls, the messages, the way he handled them, everything seemed so wrong to me at that time. and so did our sex life. I was loosing my mood and I did not feel any urge to please him. Why should I? He had let someone enter our relationship and stay eventhough that made me feel uncomfortable. He had CHOSED that over my secure feeling and yet he was the one that had vowed to protect me from any harm. I simply lost my mood.<P>But things are better now, and we are surprisingly more active in this area cuz he is now the man I loved before. Sure, we went through up and down period like every marriage life, but now I have confident that he will come to me and discuss instead of sweeping it under the carpet.<P>Well, that's only my 2 cents.<P>Saskia

Inloveonline:<P>You're not going to "hell." You're living a mistake. There's still time to make up for that mistake. If you're truly unhappy in your marriage, you ought to get OUT of the marriage. I stand by my statement that affairs are the WORST way to deal with unhappiness. You cannot have your marriage and an outside lover as well. Eventually, it will catch up to you. Either your H will find out, or you'll go crazy trying to keep the lies straight.<P>Do yourself a favor and cut off the affair. Learn to make YOURSELF happy. If your marriage is abusive, take steps to get out of it. Don't compound the problem by having an illicit affair. You're going to be sorry if you keep this up. I know it.<P>Please, get yourself some help.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P><BR>

inloveonline,<BR>You are not going to hell. You will only go to hell if you deny Jesus as your Lord and Savior. You are living one of many mistakes that we make because don't fully understand what God has in store for us. I can honestly say that I have been tempted on several ocassions to do the same. However, I know the pain that I have experienced on the receiving end. I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy. I would like to believe that it is nearly as intense as the pain that Jesus endured when He said forgive them Father for they know not what they do (paraphrased).<P>Remember Jesus loves you and so do the rest of your fellow Christians. He brings other Christians in your life to speak audibly to you so that you are clear about what He is saying. However, Satan wants you to attack your fellow Christians because he doesn't want you to do God's will.<P>All the things you want in marriage are possible but it requires a lot of work, just like the hard work it took to get your degree in biology. It doesn't magically appear and it isn't magically sustained. It requires hard work. I am convinced that most of us think that it will be a cake walk. We get into our relationships and we find it to be hard and we seek the easy way out only to find that our easy way out was another mistake because we didn't want to work on the first marriage which wasn't really a mistake unless it was one in which the two were unequally yoked. The in love feeling that you seek will come and go. But God's love lasts forever.<BR>You and your family are in my prayers. God be with you. MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited August 23, 1999).]

inloveonline, <P>As the others have stated, you are not sentenced to 'hell' for having an affair you also can not condemn another to hell. Professorg summed it up very succintly what it takes to avoid hell. We all sin, we all fall short. God does not distinquish between different types of sin - He hates them all. <P>Find a good counselor. If your marriage is abusive, get out of the house. There are many half way homes for abused women. <P>You are in my prayers.<P>SHA