I was going through some old mail last night and ran across these from my wife shortly after D day. Some are painful in that I can remember what I was going through as I read them, others were comforting. They tell a lot about us, but mostly what they tell me is how hard my W has worked (and consistently so) not just in word, but in deed to undo all that she did.

My hope is that others in recovery can read these and take heart, hope and love as we are, that they will be encouraged and uplifted.

CV

My Dearest CV,

How wonderful it is to have a husband who shares God's word with me. Each morning that you take time to encourage me in the scriptures is a blessing to my heart. I am looking forward to being your wife for all the many years we have in front of us. I will always strive to be a blessing to you. Thank you for your compassion towards me. I love you wit my whole being.

Forever yours,
grace

CV, my treasure,

I love you and you have my heart. Thank you for treating it with gentleness today. I'm sorry for bringing something up this morning that cast a shadow on our Bible time, we never even prayed. Next time I will hold my tongue until a more appropriate time.

Thank you for the encouragement in God's word. It says that you love me. I will try to gather my thoughts and put them in some form of comprehendable structure this morning. Again, I love you.

Honestly,
Grace

On Wed, Oct 8, 2008 at 8:04 AM, <CV> wrote:
Dear Grace,

"For you are a people holy to the LORD your God. The LORD your God has chosen you to be a people for his
treasured possession, out of all the peoples who are on the face of the earth. "

I love you and am determined to understand you better and to be better understood by you. You are the love of my life. I value you above all the riches of this world, above all the people in this world. I will treat you as the precious pearl of great price that you are.

Forever yours,

My dearest CV,

Please forgive me for causing you such deep sadness...I feel it too. I know it must be so hard to not hate what you see everytime you look at me. I'm sorry for not being able to make your birthday a time of gladness. All I wanted was to show you how glad I am that God gave you to me. Happy Birthday, my beloved.

I will be loving you all day.
Grace

Do you know how much I miss you this morning I enjoyed you so much last night and I can hardly wait to be near you again. You give me something to look forward to...I love you completely. I will always honor you and put you first.

Kisses and hugs galore
Grace

My CV,
No one knows better than me what a discusting and sinnful person I was last year...and for the preceeding years as well. I am not the same as I was. If you want to take me before the session, I will go without a fight, but I will remind you that I have offered to go many times and you have forbade me to do so.

I want so badly to be forgiven for all that I did. I want desperately to be your Grace and to be loved by you as your Pearl of great price. I will never ever do those things that I have done again. My heart is yours and I am faithfully commited to Christ and to you. I am begging you to remember when you washed me and all that you told me...and then tell me if it's still true.

I love you with all my heart and I am commited to us no matter what.
Grace

Dearest CV,
It is a hard thing when God shows you the depth of sin your life. It is especially difficult when you've told yourself so many lies. As i have been examining my heart. I am often shocked at what I find. There is a deep, deep sadness each time I realize that I have let fear be my guide instead of trust in the Lord. Out of fear of my own heart, I have allowed deceit to continue by refusing to look at the truth. I am repulsed by my own sin and terrified of losing you. Each time I see a new area of sin that needs to be dealt with I cringe.

When you asked me again if I lusted after those men I had to say yes. I realized that even though I didn't find either of them to be handsome or even attractive, I did use sex with them to try to bring myself fulfillment. My lust to be in control and to feel wanted and important was acted out through sex. I never wanted to believe that lust was anything other than pure sexual desire, but as I honestly searched my heart I saw that there is much more to it than that.

I am completely undone by my sin and overwhelmingly ashamed by the depth of wickedness in my heart. None the less, I have a great hope in Christ! A hope that as I surrender each lie (made knowingly or unknowingly) He is conforming me to the image of His likeness. I am so sorry that my sanctification is so painful for you. I pray that you will hold on to the hope that you have in Christ and that He will be your strength to stick it out with me to the end.

I am terribly aware that you have been enduring copious amounts of heart ache because of me and for me. Thank you for upholding your duties as my shepherd and husband. I hope that I have begun to be the Godly wife that you need and deserve. I will not relent in my pursuit of righteousness. I am committed to becoming the wife that God created me to be...your wife...faithful, honest, loving in all ways, upholding and helping.

If you choose to endure with me I promise that you will not regret it.

I love you,
Grace

CV,
Through all the years of our marriage I have loved you. Sometimes better than others and sometimes It was nearly impossible for you to tell. Still, I loved you.

I loved you when we were first married. Those first few months in the crazy little house at 12 Jacqueline. No heat, bugs the size of small pets, never quite enough money to pay the bills, you were a good husband and I loved you.

I loved you when we lost our first baby. I wanted so much to have your baby! and I was thrilled when I became pregnant with DS1. I knew you would be a good father. Even though you had to leave me for a while, you came back and then we were three...I loved you.

I loved you when you decided to leave the Corps. I found us a home in VA and I got a job. We found out we were pregnant with DD! You would come up to see me almost every weekend and I lived to be with you. Soon you moved up for good and I was so happy that you were home. DD was born and our hearts broke...I loved you.

I loved you when the jobs were bad and we didn't have enough to get by. We ate deer meat for way too long and the jobs eventually got better. Your heart was devastated by the war and by the shock of DD's arm. You were unkind and hurtful, but you loved me and I loved you.

I loved you when DS2 came around. You worked long hours and I missed you terribly. We bought the townhouse. You were still struggled, but you loved me and I loved you.

I loved you when we had three toddlers! What a time that was. We struggled to keep the bills payed and I stayed home all day with the kids...we didn't have a car for me to drive. We had some hard times, but you got excited about Christ again! You took a job in town so we could all see each other more and I loved you.

I loved you when I told you that I had been molested. You did the best you could and you were a good husband. I began to withdraw from you, but you continued to love me and I loved you.

It wasn't loving of me at all when I betrayed you and went outside of our marriage to another man. No matter what the issues were in my life, I had no right to do what I did. There will never be any justification for my unfaithfulness. I hid the truth from you, afraid to face the consequences, but I never stopped loving you.

I loved you when we moved to Greentree. I was so glad to be your wife and still I thought that I had to hide the truth of the affair from you. We decided to move to XXX so you could go to school...I felt that I owed you everything...working non-stop for 4 years was the least I could do. I was excited about you becoming a pastor and I loved you.

I loved you those three years in SC. Everyday I agonized over my hidden sin. Things were tough to say the least, but you loved me and I loved you.

It wasn't loving of me to grow angry at you over the summer when we moved back home. I should have talked to you, but I was so held hostage by my guilt that I kept it all in and instead of showing you love I showed you resentment. I full out rebelled against you and against God when I once again betrayed your love and gave myself to an other man. I treated you with contempt and I was hell-bent on destroying any happiness I could ever have. Somehow, even after I coldly told you that i didn't love you, you continued to pursue me. I realized that I did indeed still love you. Even when I lied and told that other man that I didn't love you any more, I knew in my heart that I did.

For nine months I threw everything at you. Inside I was terrified that you would leave, but outside I kept pushing you away. I knew full well that every step I took was in the wrong direction, but I kept on walking. Then on that day in June you put a stop to it all. God in his mercy let you catch me in a lie and I finally confessed after 7 or 8 years of hiding. I will always be grateful to you, no matter what happens.

My heart never stopped loving you. I fought it at times and at others I held on to it for dear life. Yes, my actions were anything but loving, my anger and self hate ran my life, but I never stopped loving you, CV. In my heart I held on to the things that kept you dear to me and everything you did to pursue me confirmed to me over and over that I would always love you. Our talks and our tears made permanent marks on my heart. Every conversation we had was a reminder of how good you and I were together. I had trapped myself in the sin of adultery, lying and fear. Till this day I do not clearly understand what was going on in my head. I did not love OM. I loved making him jump through hoops for me. I used him to make myself feel in control and powerful, but for true comfort and peace I ran home to you. Sex with him was always dirty and demeaning, and I gave place to the "if you can't beat'm join'm" mentality. Making love to you at home felt good and right. I used OM to punish myself and I used you to soothe the tremendous pain caused by it.

Please forgive me for using you. Forgive me for being unfaithful. Forgive me for taking your love for granted and for withholding my love from you. Please forgive me for touching those men, for looking at them, for conversing with them. Forgive me for giving my body to them and for teasing them with my heart. Please forgive me for not loving you as I should have, for making light of your pain and for not comforting you.

I have never been a great wife, even when I tried. I have never been able to love you the way i should and at times I just didn't even try. CV, my love has been weak and diseased, but I know without a doubt in my mind that I did always love you. What I feel for you has never been an infatuation.

I hope this letter doesn't seem vague. I have tried to compose my thoughts as clearly as possible. I am barely holding it together so I think I should end here, but I am more than willing to continue this in person. I miss you so much.

You have my heart,
Grace

Good Morning My Sweet Ishi,

Before the day gets too crazy I just wanted to say that I love you very much. Your tenderness towards me the last few days has been like a save that has soothed my heart. Your kind words and loving touch have been great encouragement to me. I hope that I have loved you as well as you have loved me. Today I am stressed (as I know you are), but I continue to find great comfort in you. Thank you for loving me and for letting me be your Grace. My heart has been captured by you and I am pleased to be in captivity.

Adoring you,

thu 2/12/2009
cv,

Will you ...be my best friend, my confidant, my companion, my teacher, my shepherd, my husband, my lover, my Ishi? Will you let me...be your best friend, your confidant, your companion, your student, your sheep, your wife, your lover, your Grace?

Hoping for you with undying love,

Ishi, I adore you! I am so indebted to you...bound to you in love and in Christ for all time. You are my hero of the faith and my hero of love. I am your humble servant, longing to please you. My heart is forever yours.

Grace

I thought I'd stop here for a moment and see if anyone is interested in reading more... The next day from this OM tried contacting my wife by email... It get's kinda interesting...

CV

ooh keep going! but you are making me feel a little inadequate , i wish i was that sappy (very bad word) open, in touch. i dont know i just wish i could write like that. you need to write a love song. or grace does.

i am lucky i get 3 lines from H. but i still get them. I also got 18 very thoughtful answers to many deep questions. so i am happy maybe H will take a read and get some ideas....

keep going. I love to hear success stories.

So sweet - who's got a hanky?

Lol... too funny!

I'll pick up with OM trying to resume contact... I'll post my response to him too...

we had some ups and downs over the next few weeks with OM trying to break contact and not knowing about MB's plan we mistakenly responded to emails from him (both of us).

So that said, I removed the letter exchange with OM and us. Deferring to the wisdom of the good folks here at MB...

edited

edited

edited