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Well if it does not it should. I was on here several months ago questioning my husbands activity. I was told by many of you he was again having an affair. I did not want to believe it and defended him to no end. Well his behavior continued to be questionable at best. He was not coming home at night, jumpy about his phone, picking fights so he could leave, distancing himself from the children (not joining in dinners, hiding up in our room if he was home). Then on December 27th he looked me in the eyes and told me he was going out,and he was telling me, so I could not be mad (which is something I asked him to do, if you are not going to be home, please tell me). Well I wil spare you the details, but the next day he got home at 1:45pm. I did not come home until he left for work. When I got home I went looking. In the second place I looked I found love letters and reciepts from hotels and flowers and various gifts. I was shaking I was so mad, but I was not surprised. I packed up a box of his belongings, brought it to his work and told him he was not welcome home. He followed me out of work and begged me not to kick him out, not to leave him, that he loved me. I told him if he loved me he would not have cheated on me again (And did I mention with the SAME WOMAN as 8 years ago?). I let him back home with the rules that he must wear his ring, change his number, burn the letters, go to counseling, stop texting other woman, date night once a week and then I would consider staying with him. Well here we are 2 weeks later. Still no ring on his finger and no new number, otherwise he complied with every other request that I gave him.
Here is the problem, I feel horribly alone, rejected, humiliated, angry, unloved, unappreciated, scared and confused. I do not know how to proceed. I do not think that H is doing enough to try to fix our relationship. I do not trust him, how could I? His behavior to me does not lean towards the idea of fixing things- his words do, but his actions most definately do not. He keeps telling me he wants this to work, we have 4 kids and a long history (been together over 16 years).
I am so bitter towards him. I have taken back out His Needs Her Needs, Surviving an Affair, and a few other books.
Please guide me in this process again. Am I a complete idiot for being willing to give him yet another try? My head screams GO, my heart says maybe....
Any suggestions? Please?
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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Have you exposed this affair?
How did he continue contact without you knowing about it?
How does he know OW? Is OW married? Have you exposed OW?
He would need to agree to NC with OW FOR LIFE. You would need to snoop to ensure that there is NC.
You CAN do this, but you must raise that bar HIGH and not back down. False recoveries are worse than the original betrayal and can lead to you just being DONE.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I have exposed the affiar. The OW is the same OW as before, since the last A she had gotten married and divorced (I guess she does not know as much about marriage as she claimed). I told him I have to have full access to his phone at any time. He has offered to just trade phones with me (so trade numbers). I need to know what other things to set the bar at. The problem is he still is not wearing his ring as he says it is annoying, I say that is not an option. To me, that is a deal breaker. I currently do not feel he is putting in enough effort. He treats me like *I* am the one that messed up. He does not want to touch me, hug me, talk to me, nothing. To me, why would I even bother to try to work through this betrayal again if he is going to treat me like that? He keeps saying he is trying and he loves me and to just wait...wait for WHAT? Am I crazy? Yes I love him, I hate that I love him, that I want it to work. I feel like an idiot. I feel like I deserve better. Then I think about our marriage vows and consent to trying again. I am so hurt. I cry all the time. I keep wondering what is wrong with me. When things start to go well, he picks a fight with me to say that I am pushing him away (because I almost always bite to the fight). He says he wants the woman he fell in love with, not the one that fights with him all the time. How do I push past this? He keeps deflecting the problem, saying it is me. How?
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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KM, to whom did you expose the affair? Where is the OW now?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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What I would suggest is that you Plan A him for a few weeks while you re-expose this affair far and wide. Snoop to find out if there is continued contact. Get ready for Plan B. How old are your children now? Have you exposed to them?
Have you read Pep's Carrot and Stick thread?
He should be completely remorseful or you shouldn't even think about trying to recover with him. You will only find yourself in another false recovery.
Hun, you can't push passed this until he shows that he is SAFE, and right now, he is far from that.
Look up the list for recovery.
At a minimum, he should be agreeing to write a NC letter immediately. Did you have a NCL last time?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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(And did I mention with the SAME WOMAN as 8 years ago?). What ! THE NANNY?????? Oh, dear.
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Pepperband I am impressed with your memory.
The kids are now 15, 11, 9 and almost 2. I have NOT told them--- I have only lied to them about their dad's wear abouts over the last few months (Dad is out shopping, dad is working etc). The main reason I am staying with him, or trying to is for the kids- so I was hesitent to expose him to them---as I fear that will put a nail in the marriage coffin---do you think I should?
I have exposed him to his friends, boss, family.
Yes he wrote a NC letter last time- not this time- I guess I did not think of that. I was so caught off guard by my reaction I guess I did not think of it. I was initally shaking mad, then calm and then he talked me into letting him come home and now here I am two weeks later in a fog of sorts.
Today I decided I have had enough- time for some changes as I am in need of being happy, loved, cherished and wanted.
I have been putting in effort, which I should, but not the only one. I almost moved out today- but really have no where to go. I just graduated from college, working to find a job so that I have options. So do I plan A it until I can leave- or do I disengage, move into one of the kids bedrooms (after telling the kids why) or what?
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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Just went and read the Carrot and stick of Plan A, just the lay out I needed, THANK YOU!!!!
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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I do work, I have some money- but not enough to even cover rent and food.
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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The kids are now 15, 11, 9 and almost 2. I have NOT told them--- I have only lied to them about their dad's wear abouts over the last few months (Dad is out shopping, dad is working etc). The main reason I am staying with him, or trying to is for the kids- so I was hesitent to expose him to them---as I fear that will put a nail in the marriage coffin---do you think I should? That is where I would start. Expose the affair to your kids, give them all the facts and encourage them to confront their dad. Have you exposed to the affair to all his family? Did they speak to him about it? And what about the skank's family? Does she have a facebook account? I have only lied to them about their dad's wear abouts over the last few months (Dad is out shopping, dad is working etc Is there some reason why you would tolerate his being out like that? I was very surprised that you said Then on December 27th he looked me in the eyes and told me he was going out,and he was telling me, so I could not be mad (which is something I asked him to do, if you are not going to be home, please tell me) Why do you not have better boundaries? If you are going along with his playah habits, then you are part of the problem. One of the first steps in Affair Recovery 101 is not to spend your leisure time apart. It sounds like you lead completely separate leisure lifestyles that only serves to ENABLE his affairs. Have you considered using Marriage Builders concepts to recover your marriage? The basic problem is that you have lowered the bar SO LOW that is impossible to recover your marriage. Your H is still wayward and is only living down to your expectations.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You absolutely SHOULD tell your children. They need to know the TRUTH. Apologize to them about having lied to them in the past. They also need to know WHO OW is.
Have you exposed on OW's side? Her parents? Does she have a FB page? Read the exposure thread by ML, you should do this even if you exposed last time. Kill this affair.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Agree with Scotland and Melody.
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Just went and read the Carrot and stick of Plan A, just the lay out I needed, THANK YOU!!!! I would go with Plan A for about 2 days and then make plans to go into Plan B if he won't meet your conditions. The problem is not need meetin', but the failure to engage in RECOVERY. You should be in RECOVERY now and if he won't commit in a serious and meaningful way, then you should plan to separate. But give him a chance to step up first. Please go read the link in my thread about exposure tactics. And read this post about how to confront your husband with your conditions. The Aftermath
When things die down somewhat, it is important that you present a PLAN to your WS for recovery. The next step is to lead your marriage out of the ditch.
First step is to DEMAND your spouse end the affair.
Originally Posted By: Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
Ask him/her to send a no contact letter to the OP that is written together, approved by you and mailed together. [template below from SAA]
Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:
1. end all contact with the OM for life
2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle
3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc
4. no more opposite sex friendships
5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph
6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.
Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.
You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.
Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair! As you have learned the hard way, his failure to use this program has led to another affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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KMEJ .... You have experienced the worst possible senario. A false recovery with the SAME OW. Please, the situation has now changed. The remedy for a false recovery is very much different than the initial adultery. PLEASE read *** THIS LINK *** which is a False Recovery discussion. Now is the time to raise the bar .... NOT lower it.
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I only exposed to HIS family. yes She does have FB, I have been blocked from it however- is there a way that I can post on her page? Maybe use a friends account?
I will make time this weekend to sit down and talk with my children. I dread this as I do not want to hurt them. I have probably been hurting them all along.
The boundaries are bad, you are right. I am home with the kids if I am not at work. H would just not come home after work and has resumed his gambling habit, which is where said he was. Not good excuses. I have asked him to not go with out me, he does not listen. I have asked him so spend time with me, he picks fights to leave. I can not make him do anything that he does not want to do- and that is a large problem in our marriage. I will do anything for him, and I do. I was contemplating leaving before the A was discovered because I was unhappy. I wanted a partner and a husband, not roommate. Everytime I try to get him to follow the MB guidelines he pushes back--- I guess that should be a sign that there is no point in trying.
I am really not a weak person. I just want my marriage to work, I want my kids to be happy. I am just done with not being happy myself and I want more than I am giving. Enough is enough.
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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I only exposed to HIS family. yes She does have FB, I have been blocked from it however- is there a way that I can post on her page? Maybe use a friends account? No, please read the link in my signature and we tell you how to do this. I would go tonight and copy all her contacts into a word doc and save it. I will make time this weekend to sit down and talk with my children. I dread this as I do not want to hurt them. I have probably been hurting them all along. Good. They need to know the truth. And they need to be encouraged to discuss it with their dad. The boundaries are bad, you are right. I am home with the kids if I am not at work. H would just not come home after work and has resumed his gambling habit, which is where said he was. Not good excuses. I have asked him to not go with out me, he does not listen If your husband will not commit to recovery and respect your boundaries, then Plan B is warranted. IT is up to you to protect your boundaries and that has not been done.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I only exposed to HIS family. Did they call him? Did you expose his recent affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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His family does not want to get involved, they feel it is my fault. My family I have asked to stay out of it, and let me decide how I want to proceed.
How do I walk away? He refuses to leave the house. I honestly, heartfelt, do not think he wants to try. I think that they are in contact. I think that this is done. I am heartbroken but calm. It is the strangest feeling ever. I look at him and I want to hug him and hit him all at the same time. I want to hold on to him for dear life all while wanting kick him out of my life. I AM TERRIFIED. I am sad. I am defeated.
I am left with the constat question WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The most important question is- how do I walk away?
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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His family does not want to get involved, they feel it is my fault. My family I have asked to stay out of it, and let me decide how I want to proceed. Did you ASK them to support you and they refused? And I would most certainly expose to your family and ask for their support. Tell everyone. Ask them to call him. How do I walk away? He refuses to leave the house. I honestly, heartfelt, do not think he wants to try. I think that they are in contact. Pack his bags and ask him to get out. Tell him you need him to move out. If he won't leave, go file for divorce and get him legally moved out. But most waywards will move out when you pack them up and act like a broken record: "I need you out of here."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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One more thing- our son's 9th birthday is Sunday--- So any plan I put into action must come on Monday or later. He is such a sensitive child I do not want to ruin his birthday. The family (all 6) have the next 3 days off to be together- I think I will do a strong plan A and if that does not make a difference then Monday I will flip the switch--- or maybe Tuesday. Does that seem like enough time for Plan A or am I rushing things?
KMEJ
3 beautiful sons,and 1 beautiful daughter!
Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me....
I guess it is shame on me.
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