It would be a good idea to expose to NOW while you have several days off and the family will be together. That will put pressure on your husband. There is no good time to do this.

Plan A means you EXPOSE the affair and DEMAND he end his affair. So I would start that NOW. You can even start exposing the affair today. Did you read the link in my signature?

KMEJ, don't wait to do this. Most people are off over the weekend and that is the ideal time to expose the affair and get him moved out. You don't want to tell your kids the night before school. Give them the weekend to marinate on this.

Exposing on the weekend gives others an opportunity to speak to your husband.

I am still working on reading through it. I have no problem exposing to family and friends---the kids are another story. I will think on this, on how to do this, then tomorrow, when we are all home, we will have to discuss this. I know that H is going to be VERY ANGRY- how do I proceed with this- especially if he chooses to not participate?

Of course you don't tell your husband until AFTER you have told your children. He absolutely should not participate unless you want him to lie to your kids, or worse, start a fight with you in front of them. Don't subject your kids to wayward fogbabble. Sit them down and tell them all about their fathers' affair and who it is with.

If your H is angry, then tough. That is not your problem.

Oh...I misunderstood- that makes more sense. Sorry...

Let me put this another way. It is your job to protect your kids FROM their dad, not subject them to his waywardness. By having him there when you tell them, you just subject them to his craziness. They are not going to get truth or sanity from their wayward father. That has to come from you.

Make sense?

Scares the day lights out of me to be honest. But yes, it makes sense.

I know, hon!! But you know what? Not doing it should scare you worse. Your marriage might not make it, but this gives you the BEST CHANCE. If you can be brave and soldier on, you might just make it by raising the bar so high, your H either steps up or he steps aside. You are better off either way.

Exposure is your BEST TOOL, though. That gives you the BEST CHANCE of recovery.

We were ALL SCARED, too. The difference between those who make it and those who don't is making a decision to ACT in spite of that FEAR. You will be AMAZED at how much more in control and at peace you will feel if you take action. You will know you can count on yourself to do the tough stuff. Like BobPure said after he killed his wifes affair with exposure: "I changed from a serf into a KNIGHT overnight."

You can do that too, but you have to put aside your emotions and ACT. Only ACTION will save your marriage.

have any tricks to stay calm and not react when he baits me? He knows my triggars all too well.

How does he bait you?

You know, you will feel much more in control when you take charge of this sitution, KMEJ.

I would conduct a wide scale exposure this weekend by expsoing to the OW's contacts, your family, his family, your children, close friends. You will get enormous support for your marriage. Go read my thread and find out how to do it and what to say. Did you copy and paste the OW's contacts into a word doc?

I just want to add in reference to your thread title....
your forehead does NOT say STUPID......

you just wanted to believe the best of the man you love and married.
He gave you misinformation to go on.
He mislead you.

Don't let him continue to mislead you.

Don't be afraid of loosing him.

He ought to be afraid of loosing you.

ML- He baits me by picking on the children, bringing up my past mistakes, says that I do not pay attention to him, that i do not keep a clean enough house and many other ways. His biggest bait is critizing my parenting and telling me I HAVE a boyfriend---which I most certainly do not. Any male that I come in contact with he calls them my boyfriend (whether it be my brother in law or co-worker, other than that I have no male friends- unless they are couple friends). I instantly see red.

Reading: Thank you for saying that. You all are right, I need to stop worrying about losing him and be more afraid of losing myself. I am a good person. I want to be happy. I miss being happy. I miss feeling like I am good enough. I miss feeling desired, wanted, cherished and important. I hate being ignored when I talk and disregarded unless there is something that I forgot to do, or did not do to the level that he desired it. I try so very hard to do everything so that he does not have to. I cook, clean, mow, shovel, take care of the kids, work, anything to try to make him happy and nothing works. Just writing this makes me wonder why I have held on this long. Fear of being alone I suppose.

Do you want to fight? Don't fight.
Do you want to educate him? Don't try.
Do you want to defend yourself? Not necessary.

He baits, you smile and you say "No thanks."
Literally ... that's all you say.
Walk away.

No explanation necessary.

One of the common errors BSs make is talking too much.
The less you say the better.
If you can say it in one sentence, don't use 2.
If you can say it in 3 words, don't use 4.
If you can say it with one word, perfect!

Come here to vent.
Do not vent to him.
Do not over expose your emotions to him.

Tell the kids. ASAP

STOP

Your marriage is miserable because your husband is an adulterous lying turd.

Are we clear?

And one more thing.
Do NOT skip this step.
Get your butt to a really good family law attorney.
You need to know what your rights are if you separate.
How much spousal support and child support you are due.
What it takes to get WH out if he refuses to leave.
No threats to WH.
No discussion with WH.
No warning to WH.
You need to educate yourself so you do not fear things that will not happen.
You do this for your kids.
Understand?

This does not mean you are "giving up". It means you are getting yourself ready for Plan B. Plan B does not mean plan divorce.

OK?

KMEJ, focus on exposing the affair. Then sit him down and have this talk with him - you need to read this over and over again:

Set him down and explain that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OW for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Otherwise, I am requesting that you move out now.

Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

DO NOT TELL YOUR WH WHAT YOU ARE DOING.

Right now, your WH is your enemy. He is the person whom has taken over your H. To have a chance that your H may return, you need to do things to get rid of WH. The best way to do that is to kill the A and work the MB program. How you do that is by exposure, and taking the steps that ML has outlined.

I know how hard it is to talk to your children, but if they don't know the truth, they will blame THEMSELVES for the problems they see in your marriage. Believe me, they see them. My sons were 6 and 9 when I exposed to them. I did it in an age appropriate way explaining that their father was having an affair and that it is wrong. It made it easier to explain Plan B to them.

Do you have an Intermediary? Do you have a Plan B letter? I know it is a lot to do, but when you get it out of the way, you can focus on the here and now.

Do NOT enter Plan B unprepared. We can help you through it. Have you read the thread about Plan B in the notables section?

If your WH tries to tell you that you have a boyfriend, you can say, "I do not believe that a spouse should date while married, that is adultery, would you like some tea?"

Your WH is going to be angry about the exposure, but you should remain calm and repeat, "I will do whatever I have to to save my marriage."