Greetings, I'm new to this work and new to this forum. Is the advice the same for all affairs? My H has had a 3 year emotional affair via texts, emails,and calls with a very dear mutual friend of ours. When the 3 of us would get together, I increasingly felt something wasn't right even though she's always in a relationship. Discovered EA in Sept. 2011, H ended the friendship and promised no further contact. We even did a 'letting go' ceremony and I know I made it very clear regarding no contact. Just found out he emailed her from a secret email account on Dec 21st, lied point-blank about it numerous times, and finally told me right5 minutes before I had to go to work and 'be on' with my co-workers.

Of course, it's complicated! He has apologized several times and I can feel his sincerity,but.......he's so angry, the angry outbursts that I feel deflect his lies and guilt. He claims I don't meet his emotional needs, and frankly, his needs are so vast, I don't think I could every fulfill them. At this point, from the reading I've done with Dr. Harley's concept, I'm in the withdrawal stage. I just want Peace at this point. I've told him I need a 'break' and will be going on Sun to stay at a friends condo for 3 weeks while she's out of town (Thanks you God!) I'm just exhausted from all his shenanigans. I love him, but I don't even really want to try at this point.

I mean, my God, we did the Marriage Course last summer and the whole time he was having an emotional affair. What chance did we have? Yet he accuses me of a fear of intimacy.

Thanks for your guidance and support in this awful time, K

Can you old-timers in your infinite wisdom direct me to the correct resource?

Did you do the Marriage Builders course?

Welcome K, and sorry you are here.

Yes, emotional affairs are treated the same as physical affairs. They need to be exposed, and ended in the same fashion.

How do you KNOW that this never went PA? It is unlikely that an EA lasted 3 years without some PA.

What does your WH say he wants to do right now? Does he want to leave you?

Click on the Newly betrayed link in my siggy and read through it. It will help guide you around the site.

Forgive my manners! Welcome to Marriage Builders!

1. is the OW married? If so, has her husband been informed?

2. have you exposed the affair?

3. how long married? any children?

Gosh, thanks for your speedy responses! The OW isn't married, we have all been friends for about 13 years meeting a year before my H and I were married. She was married at the time (we met at a workshop), and she's been in numerous relationships (never alone) since. She's in a relationship for the last 2 years and is totally in love with this man. We've been married since 1998 with no children.

He very much wants the marriage, but at this point even though I love him, I've pretty much had it. Yes, I've exposed the affair, hence he's ANGRY! And now with the relapse, I've really reached out to friends.

Haven't done the MB course, and to tell you the truth, I'm tired and don't want to. We've done so much over the last 13 years, and does it really even make a difference?

It is completely different from other marriage programs. It is an action oriented program versus a feeling based program that focuses on "communication" and "conflict resolution." What MB does is restore the romantic love and the rest of it falls in line. Couples in love, for example, don't have problems with "communication." Very results oriented.

Did you expose the affair to this man?

whatever you choose to do with your marriage, reading the book Surviving an Affair by Harley will help you cope with your husbands affairs

I think you have a very sensible fear of being cheated on continually and emotionally abused - as you are being right now!

Apologies are not worth the air they used, when NC was broken and he is getting angry at YOU and blaming YOU for his awful betrayal.

He is still a full blown addict, full of excuses and justifications when what you need is someone who is up for the work recovery will take. You are all burnt out as can be expected.

Working the plans gives the addict a shot at normalcy and you a shot at a marriage - or personal recovery without him. Lets see how he does.

Has EVERYONE been exposed to - OWs parents, partner, anyone she respects etc? Your WHs family etc? Do you have children? Do they know?

You need to work the carrot and stick of Plan A, continue to snoop and prepare for Plan B.

Youre tired. Under the MB plan you are only three short weeks away from having either a repentent spouse who does the heavy lifting in recovery or you escape into the peace of Plan B until he is ready to do what is needed.

So check out exposure 101 in Melody Lane's sig, then do a short 2-3 weeks Plan A.

I know this sounds like work and you're done with it all, but it is a hell of a lot easier than getting kicked around and not having a plan and not knowing what to do.

Plus the plans are to heal and help YOU. BWs are at very real risk of mental and physical health problems when they have been in for as much emotional abuse as you have been.

Wow! So much has happened since I last posted. Well, I did move out for 2 weeks. A client gifted me a lovely condo right on the lake - yes, peace & serenity. As we were snowed in, I basically just devoured Dr. Harley's book His Needs, Her Needs, the website, and utube videos. H and I watch the video on infidelity a couple of times together. So we are working through the material and committed to doing the work for 6 months required. He saw I was absolutely serious. My girlfriend semi-dragged me to a Al-Anon meeting and that was actually quite helpful.

As far as exposure, our parents are deceased, but my son and close friends know. This is big for me, because I usually don't like to 'air my dirty laundry' so to speak.

Thank you so much for your observations and insights. Very much valued!

KYW

That's not your 'dirty laundry'.
It's your H's dirty affair.

This dramatic leap in your thread concerns me, KYW. He went from full blown justification and blame shifting to full speed recovery? Where was the turning point? At what point did he stop and get on board with recovery and why?


And while it is great that he is reading/watching the MB material -- that is pretty easy for him to do. Much easier than changing his lifestyle and installing EPs. Which I hope he HAS done

What actions has he done to pay you just compensation?

Did you present him with conditions for recovery?

Has he done them?

Number one on my list would be his passing a poly as to whether the A was an EA or as is more likely a PA.