thankyew... Well put!

Pleasure. My own sitch wasnt so different. My WH had excellent boundaries for everyday, non-attack situations but when his best friend died and the widow need 'help' they might as well have been paper mache spindles.

MB boundaries are more like castle walls.

I too had a WH who had SOME boundaries, and lacked them in others. Hence the affair.

ML, and Indie, I couldn't have said it better.

Reves, take the steps necessary now, so there will be no regrets later.

Indie and Melody, thank you so much!!! I see what you're saying and you're right. Great illustration and you make perfect sense. I'm wondering if I'm having so much trouble accepting this because it will require acknowledging that my "normal" has forever changed. It has, though and the sooner I stop fighting this the quicker I can heal.

Boundaries are only good if when they're tested they hold. Mine always have and I'm ashamed to say I've been drunk a time or two in my lfe...ok more like two and maybe more. I get hit on and have no problem saying no. Actually I'm rather militant about it.

Indie, great point about the Polly. Didn't think of it from that perspective at all. He's very serious about it. I went for STD tests today and just broke down. My dr was great. Is testing for everything including herpes and HIV and HPV. God, that was sobering.

He went as well and we said very little on the way home. He just held my hand and told me how sorry he was. Has anyone here gotten tired of hearing that? I am but also not in the best place right now so that could be a part of it too.

Thank you guys for not giving up in the face of my stubbornness.

You got it! And thanks to Indie for doing such a good job of explaining that!


That is risky behavior for any married person, but you can see how different people react to different conditions. Like Harley says,

told me how sorry...Has anyone here gotten tired of hearing that?

Probably someone has. It hasn't been me, yet! The shelf-life of the apology is probably directly tied to its "sincerity" index, Reves. (It also helps if it's followed by, "...and I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you!") Glad to see your WH sounds like he "gets it".

But go through with the poly.....

I haven't been on for a bit and have made some real progress in working through all this. My problem is my husband is completely different now. He wants to be with me every second. If I go outside he's asking where I'm going and if I am wanting to be away from him.

He's never been jealous and we were out to dinner and waiting in line to be seated. A guy walked by with his wife and glanced at me and smiled. My husband flew off, "what are you looking at? She's with me"... Made a complete scene. The man apologized, his wife looked very pissed it ruined dinner. He was going on about people and boundaries and how horrible it all is.

What?!!! I've never crossed boundaries. If I'm on the phone now he "lurks" and I get "who are you talking to?" "can I see your phone?". Sure he can. He's always been able to as I hide nothing.

He was devastated when I started posting here because he never thought I'd need a "site like this".

I'm seriously concerned for him. I don't have any problems with him checking on me and he can as much as he needs to for reassurance but he's also upset I haven't checked up on him. I haven't had a chance because he's ALWAYS with me. Seriously, like a compulsion.

He calls me at least 10 times a day from work and as soon as his [censored] hits the seat of his car until he rolls into the driveway. He wants to touch me, any free moment he's dragging me into the bedroom. It's been nice in some respects but it's like he's become obsessed with me and it's really weird.

Even the kids notice a difference but they're too young to understand so they just say daddy is being silly.

I get questioned about my every thought or expression. I was reading a work email and I guess looked confused so I got "you're thinking about it again aren't you. I've ruined our marriage, our lives, your life.".

Could he be losing it? He's doing ok at work and won the last trial so I'm at a loss. He says it's because he almost lost everything. Why am I not enjoying this like I feel I should? I'm not angry at the need to see what I'm doing but I am concerned and to be honest smothered.

Two weeks into the (six-month?) roller-coaster ride, and you want to know why everyone might be feeling disoriented?

...he's also upset I haven't checked up on him...

So do it! It doesn't matter if he's sitting next to you - log onto his e-mail account and "check". Tell him you checked, and express your pleasure at his being willing to give you the access to make you feel safe.

...any free moment he's dragging me into the bedroom...

Yeah, I HATED that part of our early recovery as well! Fought like a tiger, but she prevailed every time!

...he's become obsessed with me...

He almost threw you away, Reves! He knows that, and he's probably beginning to understand the treasure he would have forfeited. In addition to being relieved at dodging that bullet, he's also probably hugely grateful that you did NOT dial 1-800-DIVORCE! Enjoy the attention, return his affection and enjoy the ride.

One more thing - Someday, out of nowhere, it's likely that a wave of anger/resentment will hit you. It would be well if you recall these highly-connected moments to aid you through that.

Hi,

BL, you are way off. Dont you think he would have said this when his marriage was in danger of ending?

You have just imagined a scenario and tried to make it fit. That is not what MBers do, they verify. There has been no suggestion that any such thing happened. The situation reves described involved him being woken up first.

Plus there is the two months of secrecy. The very worst part becuase any spouse that can hide things cannot be trusted until they learn to no longer do so.

The guilt, the remorse, the harrassment from OW and the hysterical bonding are typical of any repentent WH.

You must have seen this behaviour before if you read here.

Talking of verification, Reves did you manage to verify the following?

Ah I missed this.

Has this number been changed to ensure NC?

Pokerface also makes an excellent point that can be verified using neverguessed poly questions.

Anyone this persistent would have flirted earlier in the night, sent out some signals. And there could be a lot more, which needs to be checked out properly.

Most of us have been doing more than "lurking" for years and I don't agree with your assessment at all. We have had many WS' who were repulsed after a ONS. This is not unusual. In fact, the entire list of traits are fairly typical with male cheaters. Why not go back to what you do best, which is lurking, and leave us alone?

Don't disrupt this thread again! If you can help this poster with Marriage Builders concepts, feel free to assist. Otherwise, kindly refrain from posting.

I'm sorry, I guess I'm a little lost and posts were edited.

Was she giving out signs? Oh gosh, yes. Since I've known her. To many. She was very obvious flirting at parties with everyone. My husband never responded or even seemed to notice her.

She has stopped all contact. Yes he changes his number. I was very reassured to reading these posts it seems that we're "normal" for this less than normal and I think you're right. He's trying to make it up to me.

It's such an odd feeling because I'm used to doing something nice because he's had too many long hours at work not because he &@&$'d someone else

How does one really "make up" for that?

I do appreciate all he's doing and have told him that.

Has anyone else felt like a balance has been altered? Like now every little thing seems monumental? I'm not a score keeper but I'm finding myself thinking ok, I accepted xyz. Now I have to accept xyz AND the fact he's been unfaithful?????

Ugh. He's terrified I'll "get even". He's so jealous now it's not funny. He doesn't even want me to run anymore because he thinks the neighbor checks me out. Brother!!!!!!

Someday, out of nowhere, it's likely that a wave of anger/resentment will hit you. - NeverGuessed, 12 January

...I'm finding myself thinking ok, I accepted xyz. Now I have to accept xyz AND the fact he's been unfaithful????? - Reves, 17 January

Well.....you were forewarned! And it'll come in waves at you, on and off, for months. EAOTP, is the best advice I have for you.

He's terrified I'll "get even". He's so jealous now it's not funny.

You know where THIS is coming from, right? He just learned how easy it is to fail to maintain the necessary barriers well enough to end up committing the unimaginable. So two things are beating on him:

• You have more reason to damage HIM, than he ever had to hurt YOU. (Alternatively worded, you might be less enlisted to protecting your union now than he had any reason to be then.)
• If he could slip up with the marginally endurable skank at issue here, how much more attractive must you be to other men?

Don't give him any reason to worry, because eventually you'll want a whole man - not a nervous wreck - as your partner going forward.

We have often observed here that whatever agonies the BS goes through immediately post-d-day, they pale in comparison to those endured by a truly remorseful WS down the line. Oh, well, sux to have been wayward.....

Its hard to say without knowing what xyz are, but you should NOT be accepting anything in the marriage you are unenthusiastic about - and you should not be accepting any lovebusters in your marriage, such as annoying habits or independent behaviour (decisions made without considering you).

Implement POJA and pledge to never be the cause of each other's unhappiness instead. Have you read these concepts?





Why not run together? Or do something else active/fun together? In recovery you have to spend a LOT of time together building a more integrated life in which you are each others favourite companions. How much UA time are you getting? Have you POJA'd any activities together? What about each other's top needs?

Jealousy is rife in him because he knows the marriage is not recovered yet. It is a natural reaction to protect ones marriage. He has no need to be jealous under the MB plans, as you will under POJA never put him in a position where he feels unhappy - you will never be the cause of his unhappiness or jealousy. and vice versa.

I would strike while the iron is hot and get him signed up to the MB plan while he is so anxious to act. Some people on here have phone counselled with the Harleys and others have done the online programme with an accountability coach.

The path to recovery is narrow, so get yourself a guide!